I've posted before under another name etc., but found it popped up under basic google searches and I really was not happy finding that a simple search by any company or friend could open up my anonymous and highly sensitive information. so I deleted what I could and hopefully chose a more random name.
Anyway, I haven't posted in a long time. Things have gotten worse. I was hit again. I've been in 4 car/motorcycle accidents now in the past 5 years. I have 4 ruptured discs, 1 cracked vertebrae and I'm in my early 30's.
I've been living with my mother for the past 3 years as I can't really get out of bed for long and the guilt is killing me. We had to leave our old place and now looking for a new smaller one. I'm wrecking my mother's twilight years and it's eating away at me and we fight a lot but still get along. I love her so much.
I haven't been on pain killers in a year as they were just messing me up. I feel like I have no choice but to get back on them though. I've gained more and more weight and I'm so uncomfortable I certainly wouldn't even try to date.
I am in heavy pain all day, every day. Now too, I have heavy sciatica which I didn't before. I have never been suicidal but there are so many times where I've wished I didn't have family so I could just end the pain once and for all. I really wouldn't care either. I wouldn't put my family through that though. I don't think like that all the time either. But the past 5 years have just been a waste of my life. Nothing has happened. And those are important formative years for creating a career.
I can't even walk my dog. I'm not getting any kind of directions from my many doctors and I just drink now. For the pain, for the depression. For the escape.
My mother just yelled at me for drinking and the money it costs. I feel so guilty but sometimes I hurt so bad I just don't think of the money. I just feel like the worst son ever. I was supposed to take care of her at this age. Not wreck her life having to take care of me.
Sorry everyone.. I'm tryping without any real idea in my mind. Just unloading a bit. My only escape is sleep which I do now about 12 hours a day and my dreams can be horrible and I grind my teeth now to the point of aching jaw and chipped teeth so even that's gone for me. No more friends because I can't do anything. Won't date. No income and can't find a place to live.
Just freakin' out of control here. Sorry again for bumming anyone out for reading this.