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Another "can't deal with this anymore" post.

I've posted before under another name etc., but found it popped up under basic google searches and I really was not happy finding that a simple search by any company or friend could open up my anonymous and highly sensitive information. so I deleted what I could and hopefully chose a more random name.

Anyway, I haven't posted in a long time. Things have gotten worse. I was hit again. I've been in 4 car/motorcycle accidents now in the past 5 years. I have 4 ruptured discs, 1 cracked vertebrae and I'm in my early 30's.

I've been living with my mother for the past 3 years as I can't really get out of bed for long and the guilt is killing me. We had to leave our old place and now looking for a new smaller one. I'm wrecking my mother's twilight years and it's eating away at me and we fight a lot but still get along. I love her so much.

I haven't been on pain killers in a year as they were just messing me up. I feel like I have no choice but to get back on them though. I've gained more and more weight and I'm so uncomfortable I certainly wouldn't even try to date.

I am in heavy pain all day, every day. Now too, I have heavy sciatica which I didn't before. I have never been suicidal but there are so many times where I've wished I didn't have family so I could just end the pain once and for all. I really wouldn't care either. I wouldn't put my family through that though. I don't think like that all the time either. But the past 5 years have just been a waste of my life. Nothing has happened. And those are important formative years for creating a career.

I can't even walk my dog. I'm not getting any kind of directions from my many doctors and I just drink now. For the pain, for the depression. For the escape.

My mother just yelled at me for drinking and the money it costs. I feel so guilty but sometimes I hurt so bad I just don't think of the money. I just feel like the worst son ever. I was supposed to take care of her at this age. Not wreck her life having to take care of me.

Sorry everyone.. I'm tryping without any real idea in my mind. Just unloading a bit. My only escape is sleep which I do now about 12 hours a day and my dreams can be horrible and I grind my teeth now to the point of aching jaw and chipped teeth so even that's gone for me. No more friends because I can't do anything. Won't date. No income and can't find a place to live.

Just freakin' out of control here. Sorry again for bumming anyone out for reading this.

- ME


  • Sounds like you are suffering with depression. You know the answers so all you need is to decide to do it. Go to your GP and tell him you are depressed and drinking. Quit the drinking and get a medication that will help you get moving. Then start simple...walk the dog. Then walk a little more. Then see about PT. A lot of things will start to fall into place when you take that first step. The weight will come off and you will feel better. Then you can see about getting some help for the back problems.

    You said these were car or motorcycle accidents. I'm assuming you have medical coverage from these? They can definately help you get your life back together. Reach out for some professional help. I bet if you asked your mom she would help you too. Maybe she would walk with you.
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    Hi Travelerguy,
    You can ask the moderation team to delete the previous name you had here, since each member should only have one name on Spine Health. You can PM dilauro and he can address that problem for you.
    It does indeed sound like depression is slowly taking over your life, which is understandable given the accidents and pain levels. Why did you decide not to continue using the pain medications or am I understanding that you wound up abusing the medications in some form?
    The first thing that you need to do is get into therapy and possibly get on some anti depressant medication to treat the depression. The weight gain may be a combination of the intake of alcohol, bad eating habits, and of course the inactivity. Sleeping 12 hours a day isn't doing you any good at all, but I can understand that combined with the other things you are doing, sleeping seems like a good option.
    When was the last time that you saw a surgeon regarding your back injuries? Have you seen any doctor recently regarding the condition of your spine? If not, it is time to get back into one of their offices to see what the status is of your back, and your ability to function. There are other options to treat the pain without the use of opiates if you are concerned about the ability to use them properly.
    You may need to look at other fields of work than what you were looking at before the accidents. If your field was desk related, and you find that you can not do that any longer, then look at fields of study that don't require much in the way of hours at a desk and vice versa.
    You already know that you need to do something to change the way that you are currently living, all you need to do is take that first step.
  • Thanks for the comments. My background is in phsyical therapy and personal training/nutrition for the past 12 years. So I'm more familiar than the lay person with a lot of this stuff. I've been going through this pain issue for 8 years now which became horrible around 2007 after one of the accidents. I've had a spine surgery, 12 mri's and hundreds of thousands in medical bills, doctors, treatments of every kind etc. I've been on anti-depressants for 3 years now. My back is just getting worse. Now I have sciatica which I didn't before. I can't stand up for very long and I've gone through all my money. I have appointments with my neurosurgeon again, pain management, chiropractic, podiatrist etc. but I saw most of them a few months ago and we're at a stand still. I'm not getting any new recommendations or information really. I know the weight gain and where it came from. That was my job for a decade so I can lose it when I can get past my mental barriers. I'm just so sick of the constant pain and I'm not getting any new advice and don't like being on pain meds although I'm ready to be back on them as I can't do anything at all without them. I''m just frustrated. No answers. rock, hard place, lack of hope. Just frustrated and worn out.
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