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The exquisite mind numbing pain I'm experiencing

Hi. I am a 39 year old woman who has the misfortune of being born with degenerative disc disease. I have had one surgery thus far. Cervical fusion 4 levels. With plate, 8 screws , and 4 cadaver bones. I've stenosis as well. I'm a charity case for a well known Neurosurgeon who I owe not being paralyzed to. The hospital also waived the fees incurred now my lumbar is completely ruined. Haven't had an MRI on it yet because I've been told that surgery is an inevitability and till I can't walk basically I'm to ride this out. As of 3 weeks ago something else either ruptured, etc because now I am experiencing the worst sciatic nerve pain ever. Can't explain it. I cry often. Can't bend over, can't take long drives, can barely work, can't have sex, can't walk, put on socks, bathe correctly. AAARRGGGH! I just want to die. Thayer have out me on Neurontin again. Just started taking it a week ago. They zapped it with steroids and toradol. I am also taking percocet But the dosage is way to low 15 mg a day. Not workin. I was on lortab. They stopped working. It's like eating a tic tac. No relief. None. I'm on soma and tramadol too. I am scared. Lost. Confused. Have no insurance. Can't function. Am going to have to file for Medicaid and disability. I hate my body I HATE MYSELF! My fiancé left me when I came back from my surgery last October. Didn't want to be with me because I'm broken and a "druggie". It tore me apart. Help please


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