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My Latest Pity-Party!!

“...occasionally I wished I could walk through a picture window and have the sharp, broken shards slash me to ribbons so I would finally look like I felt.” 
― Elizabeth Wurtzel


Hello old friend, so you're back again! 

I thought I'd lost you forever & never missed you for a moment. I hobbled from you into the light & found joy & resilience there. As acceptance banished you I wrote words of hope & strength for others. Growing to believe my words were my reality, my future, my new life. 

I could feel your presence lurking but I locked the doors & closed the windows tight. I don't know how you got back in. You're toxic, festering in my dreams & my dashed hopes feed you. You've grown so strong now, my pain blinds me to the joy in life. The veil of pain shows everything drab & worthless. 

My only faith is pain. It never deserts me like the fair weather friends who's company I long for so desperately. Did you know my isolation? We're you drawn back by my loneliness? Like a hurt child I cried for my distant parents loving arms but you were the only one who answered. I'm trapped in your darkness again, no energy to fight both my pain & you. 

I reach out to strangers on the computer to lighten my load. They know your choking presence well but I fear reminding them of your face & name. Please leave them alone. Torment me, torture me in your void, let them feel the sun on their faces for the rest of their days. I can tolerate your torments. You see, I know so well all you have to throw at me. We've danced these steps before. You'll grow tired & leave as you have before & I'll continue with my pain, my constant companion into a brighter dawn. 

“I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant.

I feel so tired & so desperately alone... This is just my pity-party, sorry for the invite! Tomorrows another day. ;-)

Osteoarthritis & DDD.


  • “If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

    Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.” 

    “It's not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.” 
    ― Stephen Fry,
    Osteoarthritis & DDD.
  • EnglishGirlEEnglishGirl Posts: 1,825
    edited 04/07/2014 - 8:41 PM
    Thank you! The light at the end of the proverbial has always had a way of transforming me into a little moth bitching about its singed wings. It's just so hard sometimes. I'll get up, dust off & carry on. I'd like to say 'a little stronger' but I don't think I learnt very much of anything from this one..blah! ;-)
    Osteoarthritis & DDD.
  • Englishgirl,

    You are very poetic and precise about describing the torture of depression. I've been in those dark places, too. I find this forum to be a place where I can reach out, or ask for support without judgment.

    I have read your posts for a while now, and I see that you are a very kind soul with a large heart. Those qualities are sometimes exploited in this world we live in, and it is hard to keep the demons away. Don't let them change who you are as a person.
    2015: Thoracic protrusions C7-T1, T3-4, T6-8
    Dec'13: 360FusionL4-S1 w/bone graft
    2013: 3x2-level disc injections: 12mo surgery postponement
    Dec'12: DiscogramL4-S1
    Sep/Oct'12: Bi-lateral Rhizo AblationsL4- S1
  • Hi, I'm in a bit of a dark place right now too.
    It's good to know I'm not alone.
    I've just changed GP and I feel this one actually cares, which gives me hope.
    You guys are wonderful at writing what you feel, I'm not so good at sharing but your support is so very helpful.
    I hope everyone gets a bit of a break from pain and that life will get easier.
    DDD. Married,Mum of 2, Age 45: 2007 & 2008 L5/S1 Discectomy
    April 2013 L5/S1 Anterior Fusion
    & L4/L5 Artificial Disc Replacement
  • You are very genuine and have a such a way with words. I can tell you that your responses have helped me stay positive. Maybe I should return that hopeless optimism and tell you to hold on for that pain free life :) I know I've become isolated, but it's actually easier then being around people right now. Even a simple conversation can be exhausting, if that makes any sense. I hope the darkness does fade away for you. The way you encourage others is something that doesn't go unnoticed. I believe there will be better days ahead for you.
    Progressive DDD
    Chronic S1 Radiculopathy
    Discectomy L5-S1 2002
    Discectomy, Laminotomy/Foraminotomy L3-S1 January 2014
    Bilateral SI Joint Fusion and 2 level spinal Fusion October 2014
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,859
    edited 04/08/2014 - 2:20 AM
    It is so refreshing to read such a realistic view of pain, but also in there is an upbeat and positive approach to life

    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • I'm very shy so sharing these things doesn't come easy for me. I'm also naturally happy & easy going so if this whole chronic pain thing can knock my socks off it must be the same for many others. Isolation is so hard for me, I was hoping that by sharing I could make someone else feel not quite so alone. Loosing my beloved brother to depression was tragic beyond words, maybe if he'd reached out for support & found somewhere like this...

    Anyway, as Anelsen15 said so eloquently "We are but flesh & bone", we all battle our own demons. I wanted to share my dark times, for me it's all part of life's journey. I have found that I bounce back a lot faster than I have in the past. When I first realized that pain was going to be my constant companion I actually believed that depression would also never leave & it was very frightening.

    Sarah, my parents have voiced the same concern over the years. I've always found that this world contains far more good than bad. Some people have been very unfortunate, born into negative environments or damaged by experience & haven't climbed out but I have to believe that deep inside we're all made of the same stuff. It's just very sad that there's that cruelty in the world.
    Osteoarthritis & DDD.
  • its better to voice the pain, than to let it fester into the black cancer, malignant and insidious, that will eat the soul, bite by bitter and bloody bite. Ime sorry for yoyur losing your brother, the irreplacable part of yourself forever removed from this existence,
    The Beast(pain) will come at you sideways, it will creep in like a dampness onto and into whatever foundation you are standing on.
    The bitter test of the soul is knowing that you can have a taste of Paradise, but you can never stay there.
    we are the enemy, and our own doubts and fears attack us when the defenses go down because of the length,strength and perception of pain, the anticipation of and the experience.
    those mountains in the distance are just that, mountains you may not have to climb
    Be at peace and be gentle with yourself. you have someone here who will walk beside you into those valleys, the spineys here will glady walk into the breach with you
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • Poignant - and true. Thanks ranch hand
    2015: Thoracic protrusions C7-T1, T3-4, T6-8
    Dec'13: 360FusionL4-S1 w/bone graft
    2013: 3x2-level disc injections: 12mo surgery postponement
    Dec'12: DiscogramL4-S1
    Sep/Oct'12: Bi-lateral Rhizo AblationsL4- S1
  • wildernesswwilderness Posts: 3
    edited 05/01/2014 - 9:19 PM
    wow...this thread gives me a glimpse of what an incredible community of support this is, the honesty and courage to share and the heartfelt responses are beautiful and humbling...thank you...i am glad to have finally found somewhere where these things feel possible.
  • A great post English girl ....
    Depression doesn't have to be for life .... There is light at the end of the tunnel,just sometimes it's hard to trust and believe you can reach that light and hold onto it ...
    Everyone know the footpath pray ?? That is what's carried me through life ...and kept my faith especially when the depressive beast rears it's head!
    Facet joint Arthritis L3,L4,L5,DDD.
  • ....help us to change. 
    To change ourselves and to change our world. 
    To know the need for it. To deal with the pain of it. 
    To feel the joy of it. 
    To undertake the journey without understanding the destination. 
    The art of gentle revolution.

    Across the difficult terrain of our existence 
    we have attempted to build a highway 
    and in so doing have lost our footpath. 
    ...lead us to our footpath:

    ...lead us to the slow path; to the joyous insights 
    another way of knowing: another way of being.
    Osteoarthritis & DDD.
  • Pure poetry.
    Excuse me a moment I think I have something in my eye.
    I'm not young enough to know everything - Oscar Wilde
  • English... I was once very depressed, these days I'm recovering from the pile of ruin and I'm very sad, but not depressed. what I discovered... it takes years after you feel better to feel better...then it takes a long time to feel whole again. Do things that make you happy, do what you need, not always what other people think you should do. Take a look at what your fears are and find ways to confront them and this can build your confidence. Peel your onion, little by little so you can deal with the tears and just keep at it and eventually you will feel better.
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