So a couple of years ago whilst in the gym, warming up with a squat, I felt something "move" in my back.
Fast forward lots of injections, physio, painkillers I go for a L5-S1 microdiscectomy.
It works perfectly... I am very lucky in so much as I have access to one of the finest spinal surgeons modern medicine has to offer...
A few months into my recovery, the pain is back... so I go for more conservative care, followed by a further operation on the L4-L5.. This is where things go off script.
I picked up an infection during my recovery, which contributed to a massive re-herniation of the disc. And during my in-patient care and subsequent washout procedure on the infected site, I contracted MRSA, which was by all accounts community acquired (I have ZERO reason to refute this as I was the only case in 10 years in this hospital).
My care was perfect during this time... My reason for posting here does not stem from any kind of malicious grievance I have with the people that looked after me, as really, they did everything they could.
But tonight, I felt something "move" in my back... that cold, piercing, knife edge that tells you everything about the next two years of your life and the heartbreaking, soul crushing route to "recovery" that you are subject to.
I quite simply want to die. I cannot put my wife through this anymore.
She has been so amazing.. and helped me through everything including washing me, dressing me..
I am trying to convince myself that its just "muscular" and that it will feel ok tomorrow. But it won't. It will be worse. It will hurt... and I will be a burden on people that rely on me.
I don't really know why I write this... From a VPN routed through middle europe, on an expiring email address that cannot be traced. I just need to say it.