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A long story.. please bear with me

So a couple of years ago whilst in the gym, warming up with a squat, I felt something "move" in my back.

Fast forward lots of injections, physio, painkillers I go for a L5-S1 microdiscectomy.
It works perfectly... I am very lucky in so much as I have access to one of the finest spinal surgeons modern medicine has to offer...

A few months into my recovery, the pain is back... so I go for more conservative care, followed by a further operation on the L4-L5.. This is where things go off script.

I picked up an infection during my recovery, which contributed to a massive re-herniation of the disc. And during my in-patient care and subsequent washout procedure on the infected site, I contracted MRSA, which was by all accounts community acquired (I have ZERO reason to refute this as I was the only case in 10 years in this hospital).

My care was perfect during this time... My reason for posting here does not stem from any kind of malicious grievance I have with the people that looked after me, as really, they did everything they could.

But tonight, I felt something "move" in my back... that cold, piercing, knife edge that tells you everything about the next two years of your life and the heartbreaking, soul crushing route to "recovery" that you are subject to.

I quite simply want to die. I cannot put my wife through this anymore.
She has been so amazing.. and helped me through everything including washing me, dressing me..

I am trying to convince myself that its just "muscular" and that it will feel ok tomorrow. But it won't. It will be worse. It will hurt... and I will be a burden on people that rely on me.

I don't really know why I write this... From a VPN routed through middle europe, on an expiring email address that cannot be traced. I just need to say it.



  • I can empathize with the feeling like your falling apart. It seems with me it's one thing or another breaking down; however, I'm sure your wife loves you and would rather have you here on earth than floating in the clouds with the angels. Deep breath, it'll be ok.
    Julie K
    L4/L5 fusion TLIF for spondylolisthesis on 5/12/14
  • willswim6wwillswim6 Posts: 6
    edited 05/06/2014 - 1:14 AM
    I truly understand the feeling of being a burden on your spouse and your loved ones. I have been in chronic pain for the past 4 years and my activity level has really declined. I fight feeling guilty that I am letting my family down every day. I can't be the kind of wife or mother that I want to be because I am physically limited. I have been told that my ddd is progressive and I am looking at probably several spine surgeries in my future. My dad is in a wheelchair from the same condition that I have.
    I say all this not to agree that your family is better off without you but to say that I understand where you are coming from. I recently offered to let my sweet husband out of our 29 year marriage if he wanted because I am sure this isn't the life he thought he was going to get. He said, "No way!" Reminded me that he had taken a vow in sickness or in health. He also asked if he became debilitated by some illness or injury would I want to bail on him. Of course I wouldn't. So how could I think that he would do that to me or that he loves me any less than what I love him? I am sure your wife aches for you and just wants you to be well, but most of all she wants you. She loves you if she has already taken such good care of you through your previous recoveries and would willingly do it again because that is what we do for the ones we love. Don't let the fear and the what ifs get you down. No one knows what the future holds and you can only take it one step at a time with the ones who love you by your side.
  • Coming at this from the other side - from the loved ones, Your story from the surgical infection on down it what we are going through with my 20 yr old daughter. She had L4-S1 360 fusion done in October. There has never been an up day for her, she had had 3 clean out surgeries, sepsis and still in alot of pain. We are starting mo 7, and fusion is questionable. She stays in bed most days, and she has had her fill of everything. I begged the Dr. to go back and look and do any test that needed to be done to make sure they werent missing anything of which they are doing those now, walking is difficult and she falls a lot and in unbelievable pain. My 20 year old life is non-existant she cant go to college, she cant work or drive4, it is so hard to get with her friends, her life is filled with Dr Appt and therapies of which none work. Basically she says she is sticking around because of how much we love her otherwise life it not worth living like this. I cry as I write this because I struggle, her life is worth more to me than anything but all the pain she is going through and she is so young I understand her thought process, but I am praying and doing everything I can to get her help. You are not alone!
  • Dunno what's more cruel, watching them suffer or letting them go.
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