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tonight Im so envious

Or jealous that I could scream. I feel so bad because it's against everything I am to be like this. Social media can be so upsetting. I used to be an avid runner. I loved to challenge myself. Take a new class here or there. Kick boxing, power pump, you name it. After I had my accident and spinal fusions I thought that my heart would break. I had to give up so much that I loved. My stress reliever, exercise had consumed so much of my time and in its absence I was "resting". Since then I have been trying to convince myself that just walking and doing physical therapy exercises when I can is a challenge. It's so fun to finally walk around the block for a week, only to have a huge setback. Now all I see on facebook is everyone I know doing a mud run or running a race or doing a boot camp. You would think there might be a filter around me but there isn't. Too bad I can't go. They miss me when training or running. I would love this new class, too bad I'm not there. Maybe someday I can run again. Maybe medicine will come up with a way to fix me. I feel like a little kid locked inside, when all of the other kids get to go outside and play. Any positive thoughts would be so helpful right now.
Fall in 2007- broken spine. Spinal fusion T10-L1. 2nd fusion L4-S1.failed back syndrome


  • one needs to accept their pain and their limitations. we need to move forward and focus on what we can do now. i used to be a physical person, run, swim tennis, surf all of the above and now i can not do any of them. it upsets me but i dont obsess on it. i have learned to move forward and appreciate what i can do like travel with my family. i even go to disneyland and seaworld albeit with a wheelchair but at least i can go. the more you think about the past, the more you will be depressed. i even work which keeps me busy and in the mix of things.
    I have 4 fusions from L5-3, the latest last May '12 where they fixed my disc that broke.They went through my side this time. I take 40 mg of oxycontin 4x a day and 4 fenatyl lollipops 300 micro gms 4x a day.
  • I appreciate the feedback Jon. When I found this sight what I liked about it is that I could be honest about what I'm feeling. I'm generally a positive person.Recently I have struggled with accepting the totality of my situation. I do enjoy many parts of my life. None of the things that I enjoy fill that void. I don't obsess about it, but last night I was missing it so much.
    Fall in 2007- broken spine. Spinal fusion T10-L1. 2nd fusion L4-S1.failed back syndrome
  • Kandrew. I know how you feel. I've worked so hard to embrace acceptance & move forward, pushing pain into the background & focusing on the positive things in my life. Then I have days when I'm fighting just to keep my head above the rising tide & I'm right back where I started..ugh! I have noticed that those dark times seem to pass much faster than they used to. We've all lost so much of who we used to be & most of us still struggle with the beast on occasion. It's great to have this place where we can just vent when we need to. Remember to share the highs as well as the lows. It does us all good to share our journey.
    Osteoarthritis & DDD.
  • davrunnerddavrunner Posts: 478
    edited 05/07/2014 - 8:09 AM
    I was an avid runner, belong to the Hash House Harriers, a running group with a drinking problem, and ran marathons for fun. I see the runners in my neighborhood and get a bit depressed that I can't be out there with them. When my dr told me to stop running or risk further permanent damage I hid all my medals and packed away all my running shirts. I now get them out from time to time and remember the sense of accomplishment that I got. yeah so I can't do it today, but I once did, and for me that's enough. I congratulate people on their milestones now on FB and other social media, while I can't run I can encourage those that do, it'll have to be enough for now.
    laminectomy c4/c5 2008, ACDF c4-c7 Jan 20 2014 sched
  • Yes, we all have those days, where we feel much less than those around us. How can we not? Having chronic pain takes away alot. It's perfectly fine to admit to having those days, our dr's will even tell us so. I think we all have them, I know I do. Always feel free and comfortable to come here and express how you are feeling, whether you are having a great day or a crappy day. I hope today is a better day for you than yesterday--I have had 2 bad days in a row!!! Would anyone like to take my miserable family--not my husband and daughter (I love having them around) but a mom, brother, an uncle and especially a very needy cousin who suffers from lack of attention. If they don't get outta my hair Im gonna have a bad 3rd day!!!
  • terror8396tterror8396 Posts: 1,831
    edited 05/07/2014 - 10:35 AM
    i really take issue with throwing away the items because they remind you of things that you can not do now. they were achievements in the past and should still be celebrated. sometimes i really worry about you. you tend to focus on the negative and how your life is not the same. it makes you depressed but like i said people need ot move forward, when a wife or husband dies. most people go on and get remarried and not sit around thinking about their loved ones dying. just a word of advice, i think you need to get on with your life. since i have been reading your posts and especially lately, there has been too much of a dark side and depression and that worries me. have you tried to see someone about this? it seems to be taking over your life now. just some advice from a friend.
    I have 4 fusions from L5-3, the latest last May '12 where they fixed my disc that broke.They went through my side this time. I take 40 mg of oxycontin 4x a day and 4 fenatyl lollipops 300 micro gms 4x a day.
  • I'm usually ok, but I noticed a few weeks ago what my downfall is in the envy area. I love to golf, but haven't been able to for a couple of years. So in the last two summers that I couldn't golf, I'd go ride with my husband and that seemed fine. However, recently, I rode with him and two of our friends for 18 holes and I couldn't stand it. It made me so...envious I guess...and I never want to do it again.

    I figure I didn't mind when I thought I'd golf again - I could ride and enjoy because I'd be out there soon enough. But now, even though I'm going to try, with the current problems I have I don't think it's worth risking my spine for this one thing I love. Maybe I can do it, but we'll see.

    So yes, most, if not all, of us have something that makes us envious of others from time to time. You're not alone.
  • And sharing what your stories. Today is a new day and I decided to avoid facebook for a bit. I think that it's interesting how many of us go back and forth with our feelings. My feelings tend to be tied to how my back feels and the level of activity that I'm allowed to do that day. I've packed my metals and running shirts away as well but how do you not miss something like that. I'm always searching for its replacement. Again I appreciate all of you sharing you experience. I learn so much from you. Have a great night :)
    Fall in 2007- broken spine. Spinal fusion T10-L1. 2nd fusion L4-S1.failed back syndrome
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