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Step Children

What a subject for Mothers day but I need advice.
I am currently in a horrible place due to becoming tolerant
to my meds, so my PC is taking me off of them.
Not in the condition to deal with this right now but have to and
just want to know how you would handle this.
Some of you know that my husband is not supportive of me,
and now wants me to turn around and be supportive of his
child who is a heroin addict.
My husband has never dealt with drug issues before me and
his girl which are two different things totally. My husband thinks
to help is to keep bailing her out. We bailed her out of jail for
selling which I found out later was at a elementary school.
Then she made the usual promises never again to her Dad.
She fled her court date and was finally caught put in jail
and during this period sucked the money out of us. Once
released she continued on using and her brother called
to ask me for $20,000. for re-hab I refused. My husband never
heard about it but also his son has never talked to me since.
Then two years ago his daughter came here to clean her life up.
I agreed based on the condition she get a job, be tested every month,
clean up after herself and see a doctor for withdraws. She
said I can't get a job unless I have a car and I told her the bus
stops just down a few blocks from our house. She said she could
go cold turkey but I told her I was not going to deal with that.
Guess what she was on a plane the next morning and flew back
to her home. My husband said that was it no more. Yeah right
here we are again, he is just so blind. I get it but there comes a
time and I just don't think he can say no.
Then just 3 months ago his daughter called and said we need
money again for re-hab which my husband took the money out of
his Grandfathers trust. I was furious and he told me it was his money
not part of our earned income.
The thing is she called him last night and I know it was to either
get money or come here. I have had enough I refuse to let her
into my life, that may sound cruel but I am 66 and have had
this stuff my whole life. I cannot imagine dealing with her with
what I am going through right now. My husband talks like she
has seen the light but how many times do you give them?
Please give me some advice on this. It may be the straw that
breaks the camels back.
This was a hard post for me I am in just pain and to think of
dealing with that mess is more than I can handle.
Thanks for being there, I needed to vent.


  • Oh Sherri. I don't know what to say right now. I just wanted to give you my support.

    As a parent nothing is harder. I don't know when support becomes enabling & that's the real issue here. Has she actually tried rehab or just taken the money to buy drugs in the past? I went through all the excuses with a friend. I know the 'can't work, no car' excuse all too well. I've never known an addict get clean for good before they hit rock bottom but that's just my experience.

    I truly feel for you. You have been through so much in your life. You need to be taking care of yourself right now. I will think & do some research. This is an impossible situation!

    Know I'm thinking of you sweet lady. ;-)
    Osteoarthritis & DDD.
  • She has been in re-hab and I understand how my Hubby
    wants to believe in her, it is the most heartbreaking to deal
    with a child. My heart goes out to him but I just think she
    has shown over and over again that she just uses her family and
    friends to get money, place to stay on and on. It is so sad
    I have never had a child with those issues just other family members.
    But with my problems I really don't think I can handle it right now.
    thanks for your help as always.
  • thoracic spine painthoracic spine pain Posts: 566
    edited 05/11/2014 - 1:33 AM
    Sherri there are great support groups for parents of children who are addicts. The only way you can deal with this is to stop bailing her out. Please ask your husband to go with you to find out information for parents of addicts. By bailing them out you are enabling their behaviour. She will give up when she wants to, no amount of support or caring from either of you will make any difference.

    There are also probably some very good sites on the web that advise parents of addicts. You need to show your husband as well as it is imperative you present a united front.

    Don't let her destroy your relationship or your lives. She is responsible for herself. I know it is difficult but either join a web group or go to a meeting for parents of drug addicts. Most parents are good parents - it isn't anyones fault. A web group or a meeting group will provide both of you with invaluable information and strategies that have worked. Giving an addict money for anything is not a good idea no matter why they say they need it . It's called tough love and is the only strategy that works with addicts. You will learn it isn't anyone's fault. Drug addiction doesn't discriminate, rich, poor, educated uneducated, the list goes on. Please get professional help before it wrecks your marriage and your life for you and your husbands sake. If your husband does care about his daughter he will be happy to go to some meetings or join a web group.

    I worked as a volunteer at a drug referral centre for a few years a long time ago. I think the same strategies still apply but then the drug problem wasn't nearly as big as it is today. Funnily enough I had Mothers day at my house and part of the discussion with my sisters children and their friends was how illegal drugs have become much more dangerous these days. When I volunteered a long time ago there was no such drugs as crack or ice or ecstasy and it wasn't as widespread as it has become today.
  • Every single thing you said is correct and that has been my life
    dealing with my family. I cannot tell you the hours and money I
    have spent helping drug addicts. I mean money if it helped I would
    not care but it has not and we are old and every penny counts now.
    I have approached him in so many ways trying to
    get him to see what has to be done, but he gets mad.
    The sad thing about my post is I think I already know the answer.
    He has seen the devastation in my family and with Vet friends. I
    think in the bottom of his heart he knows he is doing wrong by
    helping her each time. The strange thing is when he talks to her
    he doesn't even bring the subject up like it has already gone away.
    I get that this is his little girl and his heart wants to do everything possible to
    help but she has proven that she has not decided to be serious
    about it. I feel like this will end a sad ending.
    Wrong to be burdening others with this subject on Mother's Day
    I am sorry for that, but I really needed to hear from my friends.
    So thank you I appreciate your in-put so much, it is clear you are very
    knowledgeable in this area.
    Thanks so much and I pray you are having a good as can be day.
  • Tough love is what I would recommend......that means that there are plenty of treatment programs out there, that are run by states for those who can't afford private clinics......there are methadone programs subsidized by the state in every state. If she wants to get clean and stay clean, then she has to take those steps on her own.
    She does not need private in-patient treatment, that is paid for by you or your husband. She can go to a state run inpatient program, and a daily methadone maintenence program until she can get into one of the inpatient state run ones.
    You have paid for rehab previously and she refuses to meet the conditions that you have given regarding helping her before.
    If she is really ready to get clean , she will do whatever she needs to do to get there........and that includes taking steps to make sure that she gets into a program.
    I would not give her one red cent.......
  • Alanon programs and NA programs both offer support for parents who are dealing with drug addiction.. Dr. Phil's website has tons of information regarding treatment , and do's and don'ts for parents of addicts.
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