Hi everyone, hope you are good today.
I admit to being in that dark and lonely place of health uncertainty. Only two days ago I was having a glass of wine when suddenly to my astonishment I noticed what appeared to be a crater where my left hand, thumb forefinger web, should be, and a raised area of bone. (The bone is not raised of course, it only appears that way due to the loss of surrounding muscle) It was like looking at something off a movie, like I was transmogrifying, through clever computer techniques, into some kind of alien ungulate before my very eyes. The hand I had known for 58 years was suddenly a stranger to me! I made an urgent appointment and the doc duly arranged for me to see a neurologist.
Meanwhile I hit the internet and scared the hell out of myself by seeing references to basal melanomas and skin cancer. However the doc quickly put that one to rest which was a relief, but only temporary, as we were now into nerve territory and images too sad to mention began to fill my mental screen.
My main source of panic was to think that this was only the start and that I had motor neurone disease. I have a damaged ulna nerve. Six months ago I had electrical readings and the consultant basically wished me luck. I have already had one operation, seven years ago. The puzzling thing for the GP was that she had always thought the thumb and fingers were controlled by the medial nerve and the electrical tests on that one had been relatively normal. However it could be, as she admits, that there is a gap in her anatomy studies, and that the ulna nerve does indeed feed the muscle between thumb and finger. (Presently researching this, so any advice welcome thank you). Unfortunately my troubles are also compounded by type 2 diabetes which I would urge anyone to avoid at all cost as it is a slimy toad that drips its slime into every cell of your body, excuse the imagery, I just want you to avoid it. As an aside, I have just returned from Sicily where a photograph of a typical breakfast should be made into a poster, daubed with a red cross, and put up in every doctors surgery in Italy. Talk about La Dolce Vita. As a matter of interest I looked up Italy/ Diabetes and sure enough it is off the scale.
At 58, although having had many more years than many poor people, I feel as though I would like to be around for a few more, dancing among the swirl, sweep and majesty, tumbles, tears, joys and jubilation, challenges, laughter, smiles, and just plain wonder and marvel at this incredible party I was invited to almost sixty years ago. Strangely I feel like I am only beginning to see things in any depth and to appreciate them with an intensity. It is perhaps a realisation that we are very mortal. After a few decades our body reminds us of the stark fact every day, no more than seeing a hole where muscle and flesh used to be. I intend to have a better relationship with my body. I have to believe that the body has the power to heal. There is much to learn. Rave on. Peace, love and inner strength. X