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You Know what I Don't Understand...

MelcorMMelcor Posts: 85
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:18 AM in Matters of the Heart
I'm scheduled for surgery and I am trying to get everything taken care of for my house, my kids etc and everyone I know just does not get it no matter how many time I tell them how long it is going to take me to recover from a two level fusion. I have my mother in law who is going on vacation (to her house that she owns and can go to anytime) and will not help me, I have the rest of my family excluding my mother and husband basicaly thinking that I am only in the hospital overnight. I mean I must have said this 20 times- I need help. They just don't get ot or do not want to hear it anymore. I guess if you haven't been through cronic pain (cared for someone as well) or a surgery that has taken a long time to recover from it is hard to understand but it is still frustrating and it hurts to be honest. I have had more strangers offer help than friends and family- maybe they are just sick of me being sick. Don't get me wrong there are a few friends I mean (offering to help) and I know that everyone has their own lives to live. It just makes me sad, that's all...


  • I wishyou luck with your surgury,sorry to hear your feeling sad...
  • I am one week out of a single level 360 fusion of the L5-S1 and I just don't know what I am going to do next week. My husband took a weeks vacation to take care of me, but he just doen't get that I need more then just a week. We had a plan. We asked his brother, that is 16, to come over while my hubby is at work to take care of the kids. We never got a solid answer and now its close to hubby going back to work and he (hubby) doesnt think I am going to need any help. SO he refuses to ask his brother for an answer. I mean really, WTF? I won't even have my stitches out yet and he thinks I can take care of 2 young kids and 2 dogs, no problem. COME ON! I have told him over and over til I am blue in the friggin face and he still doesn't get it.

    Also, his seasonal allergies are kicking in so he figures it's ok to be a di*k to everyone in the house. I have a hypoallergenic filter on my vacuum cleaner that emits absolutely NO DUST and he was whining about he needed a break. First off, his allergy is a fall allergy and it's not an allergy to DUST! Secondly, I have masks that he can wear that will help with any allergins that may be floating around, but he refuses to wear them. As you can tell I am VERY irritated at him today. It's not my fault he refuses to do the things that will actually help him.

    I am a person that takes deep guilt for not doing may part around the house. So when I see him struggling with getting everything done it's in my nature to want to help. But I simply CAN NOT help him. Like I said I still have stitches. It's a no win situation.

    I appoligize for all the guys that I am about to piss off but why the H3LL are men such friggin BABIES???????? He is doing exactly what I have to do EVERY day but he is being such a friggin BABY about it!! Makes me want to lock myself in my room and not come out for about 4 weeks.

    I have no one to help me after he goes back to work next week. No one who really cares. And anyone who does can only take the kids a few hours and honestly I need them taken care of all day.

    Sorry to have taken your post away from you! I just want you to know that I feel your pain and you are not alone in the way you feel or the situation you are in.

    One day at a time.

  • Hi,

    Just wanted to let you know I will be praying for you. I to had difficulty getting help. My husband was originally going to get off after my surgery and said I should not ask for help. I told him I wanted to just in case. Thank God I did, he was only able to get off a few days, and when he is home he is down the basement and it is hard to ask him for help. I am not slamming him, cause he has been doing all the cooking and kitchen work. My son 15 has been a true blessing. He has been home almost every day and has helped alot. My daughter has been helping with driving. I recommend that you contact your church or if you do not go, contact local churches and let them know your need. Keep asking. I know it is hard, but after having had 8 previous abdominal surgeries, I learned to ask and not worry about whether people are offended. Keep asking and I will pray your husband realizes that you need the help. Also, just stay down as much as possible. Don't give in to helping when you should not be doing things. Walking is good but no bending swisting or lifting more than 5 pounds. Have him go to the doctor or talk with the Dr. Maybe he can shed some light. God Bless
  • This isn't my first surgery by far, in the last 3 years I have had some pretty heavy duty surgeries that have had me really laid up, and people just don't get it! While I'm in the hospital and the first few weeks home I get flowers, cards,people bring over meals ask to help with the kids, calls daily to see how I'm doing but after a FEW WEEKS it's like everyone thinks your immediately all healed up and don't need their support physically and emotionally and that is when we so need it!!!!!!!!!! I learned at this point ya just have to tell them hey I need you to do this, and I even have made my family memembers go with me to the doc visits so my NS can tell them what I can and can't do! Best of luck and know WE are here for you!

  • Unless someone has been there, they have no idea how long it takes to re-coop. I love your approach to getting help!! It is just sad that we have to be like that. They should be able to see that this is a long term thing.
    Best Of Luck, nana2007
  • Hey Mel,

    I know it's really hard to get people to understand what's coming up for you. What bugs me even more is the fact that not only do they not only get how long and hard it's going to be, but also they have no clue how scared we are about having to go through it!

    After your surgery you are not going to want to see loads of people straight away, so just focus on your closest family being there for you. Lots of people here are single and live alone, and they have gotten through it. They are my inspiration because I live alone too. Just expect that you will get the minimum amount of help possible and anything more is a bonus! It's a good idea to take those closest to you along to your appointments so they hear from the surgeons themselves what's going to be involved post-surgery. That might help it to sink in a bit better.

    Good luck with everything hun, and we're always here to listen even if we can't do much else! Hugs, Spicey
  • People have no idea. I've just had my second cervical surgery of the year, this time a reconstruction and much more extensive than the first one. I never had any help save my mother (who's 74 and can't do much more than I can) and my daughter the first 2 weeks (who can't do any yard work or physical labor of any kind it seems). My husband works out of town and is home on weekends only. I've had friends "offer" but they never come through. Sometimes we just have to learn to live with it and let the grass grow and the dust settle and know that when it's all over we can catch up.

    I agree with having family go to appointments with you. I finally realized that I have to take my husband to my neurologist with me. She's handling my long term care and pain management and is the authority on the way I need to keep my life running. He needs to hear it from her how things need to be. The surgeons think that once they do the surgery you're all better LOL! My neuro knows the long term and you may have your PCP or pain management doc do the talking as well.

    We're here for you. Sorry I don't have more suggestions! I can understand the frustration however and will do all the listening that you need.

  • :) if only those of us here could step through the screen and be there for you! i know that doesn't solve your problem at all but we are here for you! you are having some real serious problems and you need to knock some sense into your family! how? i just don't know!! good luck! i know you are afraid and frustrated! my thoughts are with you! Jenny :)
  • I am so sorry to here that your family just does not get it! :(

    I wish you luck with your surgery and maybe they will come around.Can hubby take a family medical leave?

    Big hugs to you

  • Life has been a little hectic in my house the last few days. When my surgery was postponed on 6/24 I had panic attacks and cried in bed for two good days because I had everything set for my kids etc.. and now I have to start all over. To be honest I still haven't even started but over the weekend my niece (she's 5) ruptered her appendix and had to have emergency surgery. She is still in the hospital and will be for the rest of the week b/c of the the infection. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and maybe my surgery was postponed b/c MY family needed ME. As far as getting their support, well that is still to be seen but a child in need in my book always comes first. I TRULEY APPRECIATE THE SUPPORT THAT MY SH FRIENDS GIVE TO ME. Without your support this would be a very difficult time for me to go through! I hope that I can and do, do the same for you.

  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,841
    Hi Mel, I know that you have had some ups and downs approaching this surgery. There are many unknowns and fears going into this. You know what surgery is all about, the recovery time and how that will impact what you provide for your family. But as we have discussed before, you have a supportive family that is behind you and with you. Thats a big piece of the battle. You are smart, you read, you want to find out whats involved. So, again, you are one step ahead of the game. You know what its store, no surprises. And then finally its the surgery date. Once that is done and you start on your recovery period, you will just begin a time that will help fix and improve your physical condition and the outcome will be one that is pain free. No, you wont be able to do all the things you did before, but you will be rid of that monster pain, that stabbing feeling that has been eating at you all along. So, as my subject line says, the Bright light and better days are up ahead.

    My best to you and to your family,
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • Thanks Ron,

    Actually, going into this rescheduled date I have felt more at peace for some reason, like things will fall into place. More like myself, like I felt during my other surgeries. I'm not sure what I was feeling the few days before the other date or if the feelings will come back again. Right now, I'm ok.

    My husband is wonderful, although he may not always understand what I am going through he is always there for me. That I can count on.

    I do agree that sometimes it is easy to lose focus especially when we are stressed. I'm trying to stay focused on myself and my family these next few days.

    Thank you for your words of support and encouragement!

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