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So Tired of Being Strong, How Do I Cope?

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,671
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:19 AM in Depression and Coping
I am in a really bad place right now. I feel so alone and desperate with no hope.

I got a call from my LTD company and they said because of my WC $$ (which is from another job) they will have to start to deduct that money each month when rolling over into LTD. When I had STD I was getting both salaries, because I worked 2 jobs.

I live all alone with no SO and very few friends locally now that I am a new Spiney. I believe I am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. I went to the link here on SH and I have so many symptoms. I've definitelly had too much trauma and drama happen within just a few months.

Lost 2 jobs that I loved, hurt on the one job of 7 years, hurt by a co-worker sexually harassing me, had botched surgery and staph infection, apartment was flooded with raw sewage right after surgery and was under quarantine for 10 days and took baths in the kitchen sink for 54 days. Hepititis scare and now a tumor in my uterus.

Today's blow just really blew me away. How can I live on $152 dollars a month after the bills are paid? That's $38 a week for food, gas, dr. co-pays for non related emergencies.

My biggest fear is being homeless. I have no one that would take me in.

I'm just so worried because I have attempted suicide before and I have so many dangerous meds now that could do the job permanently. I wish I was dead right now... it's just too much for one person to go through alone. I was doing so well keeping up with my PT after being discharged, fighting left and right with WC and all the health insurance compaies. It's a full time job being disabled. Plus I've had fever and nausea for a week tomorrow and am just so tired and worn out.

I'm sorry I'm babbling, but i'm just so lonely and scared right now. Thanks for listening.



  • Pebbles, please don't give up. I have followed your story in the week and a half I have been a member, and what I have seen is a very strong and self-motivated gal. If you are feeling suicidal please get help. Call your MD, your clergyman, a friend, and keep talking to your friends here on SH. Most of all give all your cares to God because he will bring you through. God has not given you a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love, and sound mind. Repeat that scripture to yourself, it has helped me immensely. God will not give you more than you can handle. You can do it, you can master this new challenge as well. Please don't make any rash decisions. There are so many people here on SH that care about you. Sue
  • I am so sorry that you are in this bad place right now. Are there any services in your area that can help with your daily living expenses so that the money that you do have will stretch. If you need any help at all researching that then let me know and I will be more than happy to do what I can for you. Please don't give up Pebbles , I know that times are so difficult right now but you have a whole community of friends here that are more than willing to be with you every step of the way. When you can't be strong then lean on us and let us be strong for you. If I can help or if you just want to talk then shoot me a PM....take care and I will be praying for you....Miki
  • Please please hang on. I speak from experience, due to mental health issues myself. i have not been thru what you have been thru. But i once had a mental health nurse, and church affiliated also, that i should just concentrate on one thing at a time. what was i REALLY AFRAID of? what is the worse thing that could happen? i remember her asking me that if this could happen, what can i do? believe me i know what state of mind you are in. i have been dealing with mental health issues for the last 16 yrs. , i am 47 am dealt with alot myself. but it was all fixable.
    Let me tell you there is nothing worse than dealing with the friends and family left behind. My father -in-law committed suicide back in 87. the family was so devistated. there are so many people who care about YOU here! I know it is hard with the money and all. there has to be a solution.

    myself , i am worried to death about losing our home of 8 yrs. , its not much, but it is all we have. we have come along way. we had to file bankruptcy in 89 , due to my health ! that is before we had 3 children. It was my lumbar discetomy , could not work, we went under just because of me. So here we are again, 20 yrs. later, we pulled ourselves out of that, and because of me and my spine, and putting my family at risk again. trust me , we are close, already starting to have creditors call, where is my pyt.? i feel so guilty, because it is all my fault. i don't know what to do. So today is JULY 1ST. i do not know how we made it thru the month of JUNE. my sister, said take it one day at a time. it is hard, but if i guess it comes down to it. my kids, and husband come first. the bills can wait! you will not be homeless, something will happen for you when you least expect it. I am sorry for rambling on. I hope i can put you on my buddy list, i would be proud too. !! we can compare together, i have this month to look forward to, i finally go to NS the 15th!! i will find out what he will be doing with me, so i can get thru this. thank god i have all of you spineys here to help me thru this. and you have everyone here to pebbles,, everyone here loves you, and is concerned . you have alot of friends, that maybe can come up with some answers for your income , or some organizations that can help in your area. take care . i hope this has helped. LEOCAT
  • Hi Pebbs,
    I am so very sorry that you are feeling so sad and that all of this is coming to you now, it really sucks! I know that if you make less than $1300.00 a months (which you might be), you qualified for food stamps, medicaide and cash assistance, you just need to go to the children's and family website and apply, or even better stop by your local office. Also Section 8 for housing assistance opens at least 4 times a year in Florida and all you need to do is apply with HUD and it can be done online also. Do not be afraid of calling me or any of your many friends here, you know that we have been thru a whole lot together and that this shall pass too. You can also call your local Help-Line, they will give you some ideas on what to do and they will lend you a sympathetic and caring ear. Is almost 11 am and I am leaving my house for an appointment, but please, please! Call me, if you need to talk to someone. Hugs,

  • Hi guys,

    thank you for your postings. Are you feeling any better? I still have that stupid fever. I'm still crying today too. Millie, I actually applied for Food Stamps at 4 a.m. but didn't finish, So i will pick up where I left off. I also found an Atty. and they are sending a taxi for me on Thursday to talk about the Sex. Harassment case that cause my disability in the first place. I'm just so hurt, angry and scared.

    Hi LeoCat, thank you so much for sharing your story. You certainly have been through a lot as well. I love your attitude though and I pray that you get the aswers you are looking for on the 15! Welcome to June.

    You know I have been so strong for so long thanking God for having the $$ to not suffer any worse and then that happened yesterday. It's like I have a noose around my neck. It's hard to breath nowing that my finances will be cut so tight. I'm scared to death. Now I'm taking on a 2nd laawsuit, which will completely ruin my life and/or have my life threatned because of the nature of it. I'm so scared and don't want to be living in fear that so one will try to kill me because of this new litigation. It brings up really bad memories of 13 years ago. Can't go into details, but I had to move out of state for my own protection. My story made the new papers and when to superior court. So that's another reason that I'm sick to my stomach in fear. I don't have a good support system in person, like I said I lost most of them when I became a Spiney, so now I'm more like a shut in which is NOT WHO I AM. I just hate this life that I was thrown into because of someone else's actions. I know I am still grateful for so many things, especially for the fact that I can walk, which I was told was on the line. I'm grateful for my little sweet animals who love me just the way I am and I'm most grateful to the wonderful people I have met on SH, just like you said LeoCat.

    So thank you all for listening to me, i'm just not in a good place right now.

  • Hi Pebbles,

    I see you also posted here- sorry I am late.

    My heart goes out to you girlfriend. We are all here for you if you need anything! You have my phone number right? (silly question- just double checking). You need to give your mind and body a break from all this stress. I know it is easy for me to say that but put on your favorite comphy cloths, watch silly TV and have some comfort food. Take your mind off everything and try to get yourself in balance again. Once you can calm down perhaps you then can tackle one issue at a time and not everything at once. You always have us here and me in Tampa. Never feel like you are alone. Because you will never be.

    Your Friend

  • Thank you Smurf. I am following your RX and in my Pj's and watched I Love Lucy and now watching my Lifetime. I've been pretty productive also applied for food stamps and talked to the Disaster Recovery team who cleaned up the raw sewaage in my apt. I told them how my neighbors and myself have been sick and that I even went to an Infectous Disease Dr. because of contracting Staph 7 weeks post op. SO i want a copy of the "all clear" report as well as the quarantine order just to have handy. You never know. But they may have to come out and re-test the property. I am going to talk to my neighbor because he actually owns his unit so we might have more leverage that way.

    But my mind is about explode from thinking so much about everythingi and worrying about everything. Too much for one person.

    Plus my right leg pretty much doesn't exist today, numb, pins/neddles, but stabbing pains at the same time. I think I'm all cried out between yesterday, last night and this morning. I'm going to take a valuim and relax since I'm not going anywhere or doing anything today.

    Thank for checking in. xoxo Pooped Pebbles
  • Hi Pooped Pebbles,

    You get some rest and take care of you self today! Glad you are making some progress about the report. You are still doing tooo much. A little stubborn are we. teehee.

    image Prayer to send Sweet dreams your way

  • Hi I'm sorry I didn't see your posting until now. Thank you for your kind posting. Yes things are just so overwhelming now. I was just hanging on with the stress and pain until I got the info about getting $1000 LESS a month. Wow, what a sucker punch.

    Like Jenn said I'm going to have to be resourseful. FOllow my words of "Find the Opportunity in your Crisis" It's just so hard to be my own cheerleader all the time, especially when there is pain and exhaustion involved.

    I thank you all for being here and do know I have a safe place to post my feeling without someone laughing at me.

    Thank you again Miki. Pebbles
  • I am sorry for all your problems. I hope so much things get better soon!!!

  • I have been reading thru this thread, and the one thing that sticks out is how much you mean to your spiney friends!! You have been thru a lot and deserve better --so hang tough! ----Mazy
  • While I don't claim to understand everything you are going through, I too have a very, very limited support system and no SO as well...It's tough being single as it seems there are so few resources available!

    I too lost 2 jobs as a result of my car accident and lost a lot of my friends because of my slide into depression, which I'm coming out of little by little...It is so tough to hang in there, after I lost my 2nd job my unemployment was $85 per week!

    I can empathize with your situation, and all I can say is, take it minute by minute or hour by hour if you can do it! That's what I had to do and it is also a great idea to pamper yourself as much as you can, and it doesn't have to be expensive! Take a long bath, get yourself flowers or pick them if you can, or whatever makes you feel good about yourself! There's a book by Regena Thomashauer called "Mama Gena's School of the Womanly Arts" that I read and has helped me a lot and made me realize that I need to treat myself with TLC, just as you do now...Please do not hesitate to PM me or anything, I know it's hard to hang in there when everything keeps knocking you down!

    I hope that things improve for you, and am sending prayers and positive thoughts your way!
  • Pebbles, I once saw a plaque with a picture of one set of foot prints on a beach. There was a paragraph on the plaque as well. IT told the story of a persons life while walking with the Lord. The person said " Lord I noticed during our walk, that there were always two sets of footprints in the sand. When it came to the time of my trials and tribulation, there was only one set of foot prints, why did you leave me in my most desperate times of need?" The Lord replied, " silly child, the times when you saw only one set of foot prints were the times that I carried you! "
    Pebbles, We as chronic pain sufferers as well as a multitude of other problems, all have extremely tough times. I often think back to that little plaque, it has helped me on many occasions. Hang in there, when you are down, the only way left to go is up :)
  • Pebbles I really do not like Florida this time of year .
    To many hotties on the beach !
    I get a sore neck not knowing which way too look.........So please don't make me fly out there to kick your butt.My back hurts enough I really don't want a sore neck also. ;)

    All joking aside .....hun you have too stay strong.......YOU HAVE TOO!!!.........YES THAT IS A ORDER !!

    Remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...............heck with all of the crap you have endured ,just think how strong you are going too be.

    Keep up the fight I promise you things will get better if you want them too.

    Most of us have hit extreme lows...........but some how it always works out.......keep fighting !

    Write me anytime you need a shoulder too lean on.........please do !

    Your friend.
  • I am not the only one top get after you!!!!
    Try to get some sleep and we will chat later,
    Love Ya, nana2007~Dawn
  • i hope you feel better soon..take care....
  • I am currently 1 year off of work. STD paid, LTD did not. Now I have an attorney, a good one. Plus,after being off for 1 year you can apply for social security disability and then get Medicare health insurance. I drive all day for my job and besides the pain, fatigue, I am not allowed to drive a company vehicle while on pain meds. Pretty clear since I cannot do 80% of my job that they should pay out LTD. This may take time, but apply now! My LTD company will require me to apply and if I do get SS, they deduct that from my LTD benefits. They will mess with you anyway possible in order to hang onto their money. If you talk to someone nice with you LTD company, always know there is an alterior motive. Keep a log everything! Send everything postal with a return receipt required. Sorry so emotional, but I have lost so much sleep due to these scum bags.
    You are a much better person than they are, I cannot imagine a job doing what they do.....I would commit suicide out of guilt. Oh, they don't have souls that's right!
    Make sure your LTD company is not lying to you, if you do not have a copy of the policy that is valid during your dates of employment, ask for one. They usually have 30 days to get it to you.
  • Hi everyone, I'm sorry i'm so mentally and physicall worn out that i have to reply tomorrow. thank you all so much for your support, it's been an exhausting day!
  • Alright Pebbles,now ya got some sleep, so..what now?
    look down,..a little further..cmon,really look down.
    ok,ya see those two appendages at the ond of your back legs?
    those are the feet youve got to stand on,they'r going to carry you through some rough times,and tough times,but they will carry you,now..
    look inside,close the optical orifice's and look inside, there ..somewhere... is you, all the resources you ever had,all the drives and passions you have are still there!
    all the strength you have, all the determination,all the PUSH..you need is right there,it never leaves,balance it..find your center,its there and you will find it!
    You are still the wonderful you, you had all these years, nothing inside that makes you strong ever leaves,we choose to put it aside,now find it and strap it on k!

    these rough patches will pass,bend with the changes and they wont break you,it works better that way.

    Use the nugget to find resources to strengthen your self and position.
    All the strength you need is inside ,waiting to be unleashed!
    luck to you and see ya later!
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • first i am so sorry about your whole situation. i also think you need to seriously read your own affirmations though. GOD will help you thru this but you have to believe in him and draw strength from him. Plus, with your new $$ probs go to SSDI and SSI and apply for that and tell them this is an emergency and ask what else is available to you. I know for a fact that you can go to the same office where ever you apply for medicaid and foodstamps (which isnt a bad idea either at least temporarily) that you can apply for a Community Based Waiver. This will get you a medical card and it isnt dependant on your income at all! I have one for my daughter so I know this first hand! Plus if you are involved in a church, they may have programs to help you thru this time (spiritually and economically too!). There are programs in your community, you just have to be assertive and find them. The govt doesnt want you to know about them so they can keep the $$ but they are out there! Dont you dare give up! I know that's a lot to have to deal with but you are a strong person and you can and will get thru this too. Remember" "With HIM all things are possible!" that gets me thru a ton of stuff. I hope any of this helps you. Just dont give up or give in, ok? We are all here for you no matter what!

    Be strong!

  • Pebbles you are a wonderful person who has been a great help to many people here at SH. You can see that you are loved by many from all the responses you have recieved. Sometimes we all get down and I am so thankful that we have a place to go and release some of the fear and get help from people who really care about us.

    I know that financial worries are almost as hard to deal with as are the physical problems that create the financial problems. As others have said, there is help out there but you have to do the leg work and when you are down it is hard to put one foot in front of the other little lone filling out endless paperwork or trying to talk to someone who doesn't seem to care. Just remember you don't have to do it all in one day. Make a list of ideas members have given to you and tackle one at a time. I know from experience things work better for me if I don't try to do too much at one time. Also, when I get overwhelmed it is time to step back and take a day off. When you were working you got days off and being disabled and having pain daily is WORK, so remember to take time for yourself and enjoy Lifetime Movies or whatever makes you relax.

    I really hope that you get to feeling better soon. I am rooting for you.

    Take care,

  • Sory to hear you are having such a difficult time. I share your pain. Keep your head up!!

    Just know you have another friend to add to your list if you need another one!!

    Another movie suggestion..."Just Married" with Ashton Kutcher. It will make you laugh until you cry. :)

    Believe me...I know movies...I was bed ritten for 7 months post-op...had major damage and healing was unbareable...I know what it is like to get so far dwon emotionally that it is hard to keep on going...but...remember no matter how hard or tough things may get...you can make it.

    Just another stumbling block in the path of life. God Bless and feel better, Pebbles!!

  • I know that you have applied for SSD. Contact them and let them know about your financial situation. Maybe you will qualify for SSI. For more info on SSI, PM Jeauxbert. She is an authority on this and I am sure that she will be glad to help you. Also, I used to be a section 8 property manager so I know a little bit about it. Check with the housing authority in your area. Some of them do have emergency housing but I think that you have to be homeless to qualify. It still would be a good idea to apply for section 8 in order to get on the waiting list. Sometimes the waiting list can be up to a year long. But, you will get by and will not fall off the face of the earth. We will not let you. If you don't really have many friends in Fla. maybe a move to another state won't be so bad. A fresh new start. Hang in there Pebbles, you are going to be OK.
  • I just wanted to say that I have been trying to keep p with your posts to make sure your OK. I get a bit nervous if you go a day without writing. I am hoping that the atty will be able to give you some hope. Because that is what you need right now is a glimmer of hope. Yes, I know that it all looks bad and the fact that you have to add pain and sleep on top of it....makes it feel worse. I know that deeep down you are a strong person with the ability to find the silver lining, even if its s thin one. So, that is what I'm praying for now, is that you will get that glimmer of hope!

    Maybe this case will be able to settle, quickly. Unlike a WC case, I don't think that this one will have to wait for medical release and MMI. And listen girlfriend, if they are willing to send you a car to pick you up...they must think they can make some $$$$$ and the only way they make $$$$ is if yo make $$$$.

    Please keep me up to date. I know that we have only recently become friends, but a friend is a friend.

    Hugs to you,
  • Pebbles, please post when you can. We worry when we don't hear from you for a few days.
  • Hi guys,

    I'm sorry Ihaven't been around. Too much going on and my head is about to explode from everything! My nightmares are getting worse, that's why I don't like to sleep anymore. I'm just so overwhelmed by everything.

    I did have the Sex. Harass. Atty. appointment today and they really didn't make me feel to good about pushing that issue because the employer handled the situation, the guy never did do anything again to me and I was not treated any differently from my employer. The Atty. said they could get them on Assault & Battery because the employer is responsible for their employee's actions and also something called Neglegent Retention for not firing that guy over his actions. So she said she was going to present my case to the partners and she promised she would do my best. I think she was really sympathetic to my case.

    I have to close for now cause I'm crying to hard and cant continue, i'm ready to throw up from my nerves.

    Thank you everyone i will write more later.

    P.S. You all have given me some really good suggestions. i did apply for food stamps and assistance with the electric. I have to see about housing assistance. All of those things would make a huge difference. I'm going to have to let go of my pride. I mean last year i worked 3 jobs at the time of the injury, then went down to 2 jobs. I'm used to making serious $$ so now to get over $1000 less a month it's just devistating. Thank you all for your great ideas.
  • I haven't been off Instant messaging with you for very long. I just had to say that I hope our chat tonight did you some good and did put a smile on your face. You will make it through this no matter how hard it gets!!!!! Take it one thing at a time!!!! Try not to let the over load of everything drag you down. You are a strong woman and a wonderful person!!!! Try to never forget that!!!!!
    Love Ya, Dawn
  • hey girrl, its time to get that courage up.You are bigger than this..ok!
    you will find the strength to deal with this.
    I hope they nail the idiot who accosted you.
    if you cant fight..
    someone said, when you cant run any more,you crawl,when you cant crawl anymore..
    you find someone to carry you,so..
    dont be afraid to ask someone here ,I need a shoulder,ok?
    there is no shame in asking for help,ya know why?
    coz there are many ready and able to jump right in, thats what us spineys do!
    but.when you shut yourself away
    you are denying yourself .
    dont hide away within yourself, there is no reason to.

    everything that makes you special is fully intact
    everything that makes you ..you, is still vaible
    there is someone here willing to listen more and say less,there is someone here who will give you an outlet to all the pent up emotions that weigh you down.
    so just ask and seek ok? someone is willing to lend an upward shoulder
    but you have to ask
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • This is a life cycle of chronic pain and even after many years we all still find coping and keeping strong difficult, it is a phase and will pass, we all make considerable unseen effort to surviving each day which goes unnoticed and unacknowledged and we sometime need that support of someone saying we are doing a good job. We all know how difficult this is to smile and carry on.

    We are working twice as hard for decreasing capacity, we sometimes make the whole process of the game-face approach seem easy and this is in our nature our pain mandates us to be strong even when we may feel low. Any change is more pronounced and has a bigger impact upon us, we have no badge for being and continuing to be strong, we expect it of ourselves to keep up this pretence and not wane and sometimes it is very hard. We may hide how we feel to ourselves or others in the notion of being independent, I need to learn to ask for help and assistance when required and be accepting of it when offered.

    My sister died of cancer recently and was very strong, she had her own private moments, and even when she must have been down she tried hard for it not to show, I could see the signs of her hiding it and never divulged my knowledge that I knew. To the end it was the epitome of internal and presentational strength, and she did it for others and not predominantly herself.

    Have a plan and acknowledge the things you have achieved in spite and while in pain, use these as a catalyst for the development of other goals, your mood will lift and you will be able to support others in a similar phase in the future.

    Good luck we all feel trepidation for the future, even when you know what it will be.

    Take care and be kind to yourself.


  • I was just checking in to see how you are doing....I hope that you are doing better.... :)
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