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What Stops You?

ThanksKarmaTThanksKarma Posts: 17
edited 12/11/2014 - 9:50 PM in Chronic Pain
I don't want sympathy but simply a sounding board...is severe depression/anxiety chronic pain?

Here's my story...

I had a terrible childhood that was full of abuse with threats of death and torture of myself and my family if I openened up to anyone. So I had to act like everything was okay to protect this person. So from the ages of 2-12 this happened to me without a word. At about the age of 6 I realized that I had two absentee parents. I had a mom that worked way too much and another who was a workaholic where I remember days where I cried because I missed her so bad but was repaid with hugs and things bought from a store. My father had plenty of opportunities to be there for me and ask how my days were and act like he gave two xxxx about anyone but himself but honestly cared more about whatever was going on in that mind, oh that mind of his. I honestly felt like he loved truly loved me from when I was born to the age of 11 and then I felt that love go away...something happened to him where when you looked in his eyes or read letters that he wrote me you still felt he didn't have the capacity to truly love anyone but my mom. My parents argued and my siblings tortured me. I remember having my hand shut in the other side of the door only because I wanted to just spend time with my siblings. As I yelled for help I was getting yelled at from a room away and finally onecofvthe siblings opened the door because they had "to take a xxxx." Then when the door opened I got the "why are you standing here?" comment. One of my parents found out when I was 12 about the abuse and threats and did nothing but cry with me for a short time. All she said was that it was embarrassing and if I took it to court all of our family business would be out there and that it kills her to hear it so don't tell anyone else because my dad would kill him and people would go to jail. I obeyed because I was already a brainwashed, mentally beaten down, and pained child. Not to mention that I was 200lbs in the 5th grade. Food NEVER failed me and the I only person I could talk to was my grandpa who I called when I was lonely but still kept the secrets. I managed to have friends from grades 2-10 but always felt alone and thought (and still believe everything) was my fault. I constantly cried myself to sleep and had panic attacks and sometimes pretended to be sick so someone would hug me without me having to ask. My junior and senior year I acted out angrily and before I turned 17 I finished my classes and got accepted to some decent universities but decided to go the community college route to save money. I think that's when I lost it...I went on a crash diet and while my other classmates were still in high school I started college. I became angrier and angrier for some reason. Then to add icing to a xxxx cake my favorite uncle, grandfather, and brother died. I lost it even more...I became bulimic/anorexic and my dad tried to reach out to me but at that point I was so far gone it was just poor timing. I think I remember telling him that I wanted to dunk my head in a vat of boiling water and drown. I started exercising 8 hours or more a day and lost a ton of weight VERY fast. My sibling tried to reach out to me but that didn't work. Nobody really knew how sick I was until I hurt my back and damaged my feet and had to stop exercising I had a tummy tuck and was dead for 5 minutes and lived. I fell in LOVE with food and vicodin because of the back and tummy pain.

The tummy pain ended m and the back pain and mental pain continued. Mind you I was hardly 18 at this point. The mental and physical pain got so bad that there was no hiding my addiction. As ashamed as I am to say it in one month I had seen 23 different doctors, cut myself and was just overall hurting. My "family" decided to have an intervention of the wrong kind and it ended up being a bashing of what a horrible person I was and I told my dad about the many years of abuse and he looked me dead in the eyes and said "get over it." I was in so much pain with my leg and back I couldn't even sit and had to stand while each if them took turns telling me such awful things. I fell deeper into the rabbit hole and didn't care if I woke up the next day...I had nobody and became the typical addict. At 19 I had my first and second back surgery people shied up and showed support but once the chronic pain admissions kept coming so did my "family." At this point I was introduced to the heavier pain medications and was glad for it. I took excess amounts because I know at a certain point with narcotics you can end up in more pain...so physical chronic pain started at 18..19 (2 spine surgeries) surgerues..20 (1 spine surgery)..and count up to me now at 26 (9 years). I have gone into detox with chronic pain and completed the program successfully, had 3 surgeries where I carefully monitored my intake and I found out after months of everyone thinking I was crazy that I need fourth spine surgery because I can't walk well or really care for myself very well. I am back on very strong pain medications. I spent a month in the hospital rehab because I couldn't walk but had to go home due to my insurance. That whole month I had 6 visits, if that. I saw my doctors more. I will hopefully have this surgery soon as the authorization takes forever but have no emotional support and an abundance of pain medication that I take wisely but when I break down from being lonely I simply get asked if I took my pain meds and get this "I'm sorry" (but I'm really not) thing. I've tried therapy and tried to see many people but was told my issues were just too complicated so I've been dropped even while trying. I can't drive because my foot is messed up but I would never drive with these meds in my system. This pain is debilitating and my surgeon proved to my mom (as she didn't believe me) that I NEED surgery. In the meantime I can hardly move but do what I can and after 5 months of being bed ridden and physically and mentally in chronic pain I don't see the light at the end of The tunnel. I'm lost at sea and am so messed up that I don't look forward or care about tomorrow let alone the next hour because I know what entails. I could be a coward and just put all the patches on and take the rest of my medication at once. Nobody would care so what would being a coward matter to me if I were not here in the flesh? I have no friends, not one and my mom pretty much has said it without saying that I am a burden. So when you get and if you get this madly depressed and anxious what stops you from just wanting to just quit? I'm so messed up from my sibling telling me to just die and donate my organs that I've thought about how many others I could give life to, maybe that's my purpose. I'm 26, don't know what to do. I'm confused, sad, hopeless, angry, frustrated, pick an emotion. I have never had a real chance at life and if I did I wouldn't know where to start. I know I'm a good person and have a kind soul. Half of me wants to go but the other half says to stick around but I don't have anything. I know most responses will be a suicide line number or "get help" or possibly some other response to make me feel bad for this but I'm just curious...what stops you? Thanks for reading.
Fall 7 times, stand up 8...


  • ab1988aab1988 Posts: 42
    edited 12/12/2014 - 5:04 AM
    In my opinion, anxiety/depression would definitely be considered chronic pain. You need help, and you need it quickly. Call that hotline. and although this forum is a great place to share and vent, no one on here is qualified to offer, in your case, psychiatric advice. Call the hotline!
  • Motor1MMotor1 Pittsburgh, PaPosts: 554
    Your story is so sad. I'm sorry for everything you've been through. Can you find some kind of support group? You need help. I agree that you need to call a hotline. They can help you & direct you to caring people!
  • EnglishGirlEEnglishGirl Posts: 1,825
    edited 12/15/2014 - 6:14 AM
    Thank you so much for opening-up & sharing with us. There are so many people who read these forums (a lot more than write) & I know from my own family & friends that a lot of women share your experiences but don't have the courage to own their past & speak up. Things that happen to you, beyond your control, lead to other behaviors that may seem your choice but they're really not. Life happens to us, sometimes good, sometimes tragic & it can be such a battle to move past all of it & become the woman we could of been with a different start.

    I wish I could introduce you to my cousin! She's in her early 40's. She's a headmistress of an elementary school. She has 2 beautiful, vibrant children who are dearly loved & will NEVER endure the emotional & physical nightmare that was her life. We've had many, many conversations over the years. She has been where you are & have been. She's a strong, compassionate, lovely woman. I'm incredibly proud that she's endured so much & finally found herself. It was torture digging through the mess, reliving all of it, stripping always the years & slowly building herself again.
    When she spoke out her stepfather took his own life, as he'd always threatened, leaving her family broken emotionally & financially. She still has the guilt piled on by her family. They're so damaged & bitter I don't think most of them will ever change but she's found a way to exist in the same world as them. Love & support, true family is something she's had to build for herself.
    I wish I could tell you how she moved from being a shattered 20-30 year old to the beautiful woman she is today. Even she's not sure! It's a battle of epic proportions but I can assure you that it's worth every grueling day. Life is so bloody hard sometimes. I know the abyss that's down that proverbial rabbit hole. There's a sick familiarity that makes us repeat old patterns because we don't know how to embrace the alternative.

    I just wanted you to know that there's hope & there are many people out here who get it. You're not alone.Thank you again for your strength & openness. I hope you realize how much you're helping others. There are brighter days out there.
    Osteoarthritis & DDD.
  • EnglishGirlEEnglishGirl Posts: 1,825
    edited 12/12/2014 - 6:59 AM
    “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” 
    ― Kahlil Gibran
    Osteoarthritis & DDD.
  • The very best people have it hardest here on Earth. I believe that they are being tested for the greater things to come.
  • EnglishGirlEEnglishGirl Posts: 1,825
    edited 12/12/2014 - 6:17 PM
    Very true Willy ate. ;-)
    Osteoarthritis & DDD.
  • Hey, quit making fun my name!
  • Willy8Willy8 Posts: 88
    edited 12/15/2014 - 6:24 AM
    "I know most responses will be a suicide line number or "get help" or possibly some other response to make me feel bad for this..."

    I would never make such a glib and facile response, dear ThanksKarma.

  • sandisandi Posts: 6,343
    edited 12/15/2014 - 6:04 AM
    glib responses or meant to make anyone feel bad or worse, but this forum and it's members are not equipped to handle mental health issues, and attempting to handle them , without qualified professionals on board can be detrimental to someone.
    Well meaning individuals can offer empathy but that's all we can offer.......we can not advise or provide treatment , when that is the most helpful of all suggestions and support is to see a qualfied professional who can provide resources and treatment and real life support.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,856
    that what Sandi just stated is heard

    No on on the Spine-Health Forums are qualified to deal with situations that even hint at suicide. This is a given firm policy that all private and public web sites adhere to. We will not allow the discussion of such matters. Providing the appropriate hot line numbers is all that is allowed. Comments to PM a member, etc will be removed
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • 1028761102876 Posts: 248
    edited 12/16/2014 - 4:32 PM
    You have to keep hope! There are new medical options every day! Go talk to a counsler who you trust and stick with it. There are so many places that are finding out new medical research and studies looking into chronic pain. All I can advice is talking to a doctor, paychiatrist, psychologist, counsler anybody. good luck
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