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just wondering , arguments with wife, husbands

Just wondering if any one just wants no arguments and more support from their parteners , they go on about how it's all about you when actually all you do is think about them , will they stay around if things don't go your way with the final outcome surgery , intimacy working meds etc where does it all end. How do you stay positive when you worry about them and what happens in the long run with surgery etc or is it just me


  • Is there, you can't avoid looking at it, but nobody talks about it.
    L5-S1 herniation. Both knee meniscus tear. L4-5 herniation - 2 x nerve block injections. L4-5 discectomy. L1-2 nerve block injection. L4-5 reherniation - TLIF fusion. 2016: L1-2 and L5-S1 retrolistheses and multiple facet joint degeneration.
  • It's about both together.
    This medical challenge is put up to the family. The person who's unwell the challenge is to get better. The others pull up all of the slack and are put into a caretaking roll. Some are not physically or mentally prepared or terribly capable in this new role....But humans are adaptable.. Made more helpful to everyone with regular talks and loving kindness goes a long way.
  • I won't lie. It's a huge challenge. For both sides. I decided a long time ago to limit how much I tell my husband about my pain and depression. Not saying that it's the solution because in all honesty it is probably just kicking the can down the road, but it is what I am doing so that he doesn't have to take care of me plus hear me complain all the time. I bury a lot. Again, probably not what I should be doing, and it's probably worse for my mental health, but it's a short term solution.

    As I type this out I am realizing what terrible advice this is. Sighhhh
    2015: Thoracic protrusions C7-T1, T3-4, T6-8
    Dec'13: 360FusionL4-S1 w/bone graft
    2013: 3x2-level disc injections: 12mo surgery postponement
    Dec'12: DiscogramL4-S1
    Sep/Oct'12: Bi-lateral Rhizo AblationsL4- S1
  • hoggsterhhoggster ScotlandPosts: 54
    You last comment made me smile first in a long time , yep as advice comes in I think talking about it can only for so long , I think resentment starting to set in with my wife as im the main bread winner and I've been of 6 months time I get l5s1 microd on 4/2/15 and recover it will be close to 9 months but hey shit happens and we need to get on with it theres people in worse position than me
  • I am one that does like sharahLindeau and keep it to myself as much as I can now.
    There were several years I tried to talk to him about where I was at and how
    he could maybe step up but he was not raised that way. It has got to the point
    I just gave up due to resentment and struggle to do what I need to. He is one of
    those who feels it is the woman's job to clean and take care of everything else since
    he works. Most mates out there don't fit in that category so I think ours is an exception.
    I hope you can work it out, I do know one thing I decided to not drown him in all the details
    I was getting to the point I was driving myself nuts.
    I hope you and your loved one can work it out it sure means a lot to our life's right hurt or not.
  • Hi, hope yall don't mind but I've been doing a lot of reading on these type forums to get some insight on what my spouse is going through and how I may be able to help the situation. Spouse had a lamenctomy at L5-S1 (I believe), on 12/4/2014. We spent 5 days in hospital.
    We have traded rolls as bread winner. I tried to mental prepare myself for the months to come but I don't think I could have prepared myself totally. He spends most days in the bed all day, very little activity with anyone. It's rough on everyone. He seems to stay in pain all the time and has no interest in doing anything. He does not believe that he is depressed but all signs lead to it. What can I do to help him.
  • hoggsterhhoggster ScotlandPosts: 54
    From a personal point, he will be sitting with worry thinking will I get back todo what I was before(im a landscaper so its hard work may have to retrain) will you leave him (intimacy) its not fair on you working house duties laundry etc , we cant go on holiday all the special treats financial implications .it is hard on both of you this is how I feel but he might not its just an insight hope this helps
  • It's times like these that really show people's true colors. I have used my chronic pain as a good time to clean house and remove toxic people from my life. You can't do that with your spouse, but learning to communicate without complaining is key. I had to keep a two week pain log for my neurosurgeon, what I did was I left it laying out in the kitchen. My husban saw it and read it, and he came up to me and gave me a big embrace and said "you do such an amazing job of hiding all that pain, I don't know how you take care of all of us like you do". Made me feel so good. He finally "got it" and I didn't have to whine or complain. Maybe you can do the same? Sometimes when they see it in writing it gives them a different perspective.
  • I've been struggling with this too. I'm a stay at home mom of 3 young kids and I just had a TLIF at L4/L5 on 3/10. My husband is stressed at work right now, taking care of kids, fixing supper, grocery shopping, laundry, the list goes on. He' doesn't handle stress well or stressed out, grumpy kids. He's not complaining. Yet. But I can see the stress he's under. I hate feeling so helpless. I do what I can to help but obviously can't do much. Yesterday he went nonstop from 6:30 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. The house is a mess. I could go on and on. He's been very understanding but a person can only take so much, you know?
    37 years old
    DDD at L4/L5/S1
    Lamenectomy to remove synovial cyst March 2013
    TLIF at L4/L5 March 10, 2015
  • itsautonomicitsautonomic LouisianaPosts: 1,813
    Chronic Health issues has to be one of the hardest , if not the hardest things a relationship will ever know . I am sure the divorce rate is up there I would imagine. I think we all feel we would be a certain way if presetes with this situation from the other side, but as chronic pain has showed you often could not truly understand the situation before you entered it and the way you reacted is not always the way you believed you probably would. As much a weight this is on us it can be a greater weight on the spouse of chronic pain sufferer. We are used to this and can't escape it, we would if we could . The spouse deals with all the guilt, regret, anger we do and honestly like another said, not everyone is prepared or capable of managing this life. The majority probably are not bad people but life is short and everyone can not take this life. We all know how all encompassing it can be. And I to agree a person can only take so much , often we hear what is happening years into this journey and they were good spouse for years they just reached a breaking point.
    You can't worry about them leaving it will not change them leaving if they want to, if they do you wish them the best and tell them you do understand deep down you would leave the situation if you could also. Don't hold hatred it will eat you alive. Focus on getting better in your health, communicating with your spouse and sacrificing where you can. Of course easier to say than do , but a lost 13 yr relationship cause of this chronic pain has taught some life lessons.
    Do your due dilegence, trust you know your body and question everything if it does not fit. Advocate for yourself and you will be suprised what will be revealed trusting your body and instinct.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,865
    People who have been dealing with chronic pain for a long period of time (> 2 years) fully understand the statement But you look good

    We dont wear a stamp on our forehands letting people know we are chronic pain patients. Its not like when you see someone in a cast, shoulder sling, etc. The physical evidence is much easier to grasp. Even those folks that use a cane or in a wheelchair, people's immediate response is Well that person is up in age anyway

    Those in our immediate surroundings understand more about the situation, not because they can feel the pain, but because they are more aware of it ( the missed parties, cant do this or that, needing to leave early, etc )

    I have stated repeatedly in many threads here that I believe the emotional toll has a much larger impact. Its not a weakness to say that because of your chronic pain you have bouts of depression. Who wouldn't in our situations. The difference comes in how we deal with that depression. Left unchecked, it can quickly go under just like quicksand.

    Many people talk about the patient, the poor person that has to endure all that pain and such. Very little is mentioned about the caretaker. I believe they have a tougher job. In any relationship, two people need to share the 'load' of making everything work. So when one partner can not perform those duties, the burden is then placed on the other person. That can place levels of stress in terms of finance, household chores, raising a family and more. The attention goes to the patient. Not many people think about the pain that the "walking wounded - the caretaker" has to endure.

    In a perfect relationship, both partners can openly discuss the situation, the pain, what needs to be done, how can each one help the other, etc. But face it, that's in the perfect world, many of us don't know what that is all about.

    For the caretaker, there can be levels of

    Fear ( not understanding exactly what the other partner is feeling physically, or how can they continue to support the house, the family, etc )
    Jealousy After all now they have to do all the work, while their partner just takes it easy (sure, they understand the pain situation, but people are human too)
    Anger They feel that everything is on their shoulders, at times too much. That can easily explain certain outbursts of anger, screaming and more.

    Then you still have to add a certain level that the partner can no longer be sick, take time off, etc. If they are down, there is no one else to do the job.

    I strongly believe that the caretaker has a very difficult task, many times UN-appreciated.

    Put all of this together and you spell S T R E S S

    Having open and honest two way communications is probably the best way for both parties to deal with it all.

    Its not easy, and for some it doesn't get any easier but perhaps harder.

    Think about this, you have two healthy young people, both very active, love to ski, hike, bike, horseback riding, etc. Then all of sudden, a spinal problem interrupts f this and puts a hard stop to it all. So, one of the partners may not be able to physically do any of that in the future because of their physical condition. Thats easier to understand.

    But the other partner, its as if they just got robbed, someone just took part of their life away from them without asking! You need a strong and solid relationship to stand up to all of this.

    It takes two to make all of this work.

    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • I remember when I was fresh out of the hospital from my fusion. It was Christmas Eve and I was so happy to be home. Spirits were high and I had all the support in the world. Then January set in. The initial support and extra help became a little more sparse. The holidays were over and I came crashing down into the realization that my husband was angry all the time. He'd come home from work and begrudgingly do the chores but his cold glances were hard to take because to him, I was on day 19 of doing "nothing." I started feeling guilty in addition to feeling miserable. So I began doing chores and fudging on my mo BLT and lifting limits. It may have helped save my relationship but it also came at a cost. My healing suffered but I was so miserable to have my partner miserable that I could no longer take it.

    It's not a solution. I realize we should have talked. More. About realistic expectations and what was needed of him and how much I appreciated everything. Things are not great now but they have gotten better. I try not to complain and in a way it feels like I have to hide how I'm feeling for the sake of our relationship. But for me, that's where I am and what works for now. Not a long term solution but life is a moving target. We adapt as we go. We are all just trying to get by.
    2015: Thoracic protrusions C7-T1, T3-4, T6-8
    Dec'13: 360FusionL4-S1 w/bone graft
    2013: 3x2-level disc injections: 12mo surgery postponement
    Dec'12: DiscogramL4-S1
    Sep/Oct'12: Bi-lateral Rhizo AblationsL4- S1
  • I believe our spouses or caretakers just want some recognition that it is hard for them too. I am going on a year and a half of being injured and being limited and I am about to have fusion surgery. I realized that what kept the stress and anger and tension off of my marriage was really recognizing and praising my husband for his help and support. Just like we want recognition for how hard things are for us, they want it for having to step up to the plate more. I know you are all thinking "it's the least they can do", but trust me in this. Acknowledgement, gratitude and love go a long way.
    I have a challenge for you.....
    1) every day paradise your caretaker for something helpful they did and express how helpful it was to you and how grateful you are for it.
    2) express gratitude for the things you even feel are "givens".
    3) acknowledge their loss as they have lost the partner that took care of them and had to make an adjustment as well, just as we miss our old selves, they miss our old selves too.
    That's my two cents. It's the things I do and I can say my marriage is stronger than ever. And the more I acknowledge all these things in my husband, the more he acknowledges my pain and we understand each other better.
    Appreciate the simple gestures, like yesterday my husband said we were going out to dinner, even tho I was having s good pain day and made it clear I was planning on cooking. He said to me "sweetheart, the weekend is around the corner and you will be cooking more with the kids home from spring break, you don't realize how much you cook for us, it's not just dinner, it's breakfast, etc... I'd like to give you a break". I could have argued and stood my ground so that my ego wouldn't take a hit, because I feel inadequate when I don't take care of my family. But instead I said "thank you for the break honey" and we had a lovely dinner out. Try these changes and watch your partner melt in your hand.
  • dea-lynnddea-lynn Posts: 152
    edited 03/20/2015 - 11:07 AM
    I feel as though I'm one of the 'lucky' ones. I have been with my boyfriend for almost four years, and I unfortunately started with intractable status migraines seven months after we started dating. However, with the exception of several hospitalizations over the years have never really allowed them to interfere with our lives. All of that changed 18months ago when I injured my back at work and thus started us on the roller coaster from hell.

    Even though my injury was clearly a work injury I was denied workers comp because about 6months prior both my Endometriosis and chronic migraines flared and caused me to visit the ER multiple time(treating physcians aware everytime). The WC insurance claimed that I was "drug seeking" and injury didn't exist, despite having an MRI which stated elsewise. Anyway, we eventually settled but it will be a cash settlement and not cover any medical bills past or future.

    As a result I have had one surgery at L4-5 which 'failed' amd I am currently waiting a second surgery to have a SCS implanted, despite still having a herniation. Surgeon doesn't want to fuse yet.

    My boyfriend and his family have been super supportive and after my surgery in September I lost my apartment and his parents allowed me to move in with them, I only had to give up my cats.... I have said that if we can survive this then we can handle amything, amd that nothing will damage our relationship. I feel as though we are closer now then before. While we don't talk about everything regarding my pain and disabilities but I know he is very supportive. he is in my shoes without actually wearing them, and I know that I will never fully be able to repay him or his family for all they have done but I show my appriciation every way that I can.

    There isn't a day that goes by that I don't dwell on what should be or things I can no longer do. I'm only 30 for crying out loud, I should be able to make plans without worrying about if said activity will cause me severe pain for days or worse. There are days that I just want to hang up and give in but then I think of everything my boyfriend has done for me and I want to be able to be there with him.

    I can homestly say that with out the love and support of my future husband(one day), his parents, my family, friends, and this forum I don't know how I would be handling this.
  • I apologised for all the twisting and turning and getting up in the night.
    I apologised for waking her up.

    Not one bad word between us all day. <3

    L5-S1 herniation. Both knee meniscus tear. L4-5 herniation - 2 x nerve block injections. L4-5 discectomy. L1-2 nerve block injection. L4-5 reherniation - TLIF fusion. 2016: L1-2 and L5-S1 retrolistheses and multiple facet joint degeneration.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,865
    It is amazing what a few simple nice words can do
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • Jeff49JJeff49 Posts: 22
    edited 03/21/2015 - 5:00 AM
    I agree with Ron, I have been down since 10-24-14. And I know my girl has taken on way to much both with kids, housework and finance. I tried to fully explain the way this pain felt and the way the meds made me feel, of course those that are lucky enough to not have back issues have NO idea of the way it feels so I tried to fully explain everything from sitting standing walking everything but I still don't think she understood because until you live it you wont truley understand but I did one thing that really made a difference about 3weeks into this crazy ride....everyday I make it a point to tell her " baby. Thank you for everything you did today, there is no way I could make it thru this with out you..." followed by a hug and kiss, i think the recognition is what our spouse or care takers want and need to hear. I also have secretly scheduled a cleaning service to come in on 3/26 while she is at work and clean the whole house and then on 3/27 im having all the carpets and windows done, call it spring cleaning. I have arranged for a sitter for that evening and I have a neighbor making dinner for us that evening. But I think Ron hit this one on the head, thank them, recognize what they are doing and let them know you appreciate and love them. It's made things better for us
    Spinal stenosis with neurogenic clauducation
    3 level retrolisthesis
    Bilateral Laminectomy/Discectomy surgery l3/l4 on 11-21-14 (failed)
    L3/l4 spinal Fusion 03-20-15
  • christibencchristiben Posts: 121
    edited 03/27/2015 - 2:07 PM
    I tell my husband he's the most awesome guy in the world, tell him thank you for everything, apologize when I'm feeling crabby and frustrated. we've only been married one year so this has really tested us. It hasn't been easy for either of us but were managing. I don't think they fully understand. He's 8 years older than me and iI'm the one withthe problems Good luck
  • SukhreSSukhre San Diego, CAPosts: 181
    I am a 46 yr old single parent with some C-spine issue... people mostly underestimate the pain.. they think i m depressed/anxious. even the PCP. Today a friend who has similar Cspine problems came... he said "you are talking/laughing/walking... i was in pain so yours must not be that bad"... I had pain allday.. on my chest, shoulder blades,back... Then I took pain meds and the pain subsided (not disappear).

    I talk to a girl i tell her everything about my diagnosis. She thinks I am worrying too much. Evrything will be alright. Its hard to explain...I cannot keep my place tidy.. sometimes just getting something to eat is a struggle... i cannot take care of my daughter... sometimes even breathing becomes so much painful... no one would know...

    MRI shows C4-C7 severe steonosis. Pain in hand.
  • MagistraMarlaMMagistraMarla San Antonio, TexasPosts: 180
    I've been dealing with so much of this!
    We had just returned from my husband's working trip to Europe at the end of March and I was feeling quite good.
    My lumbar fusion surgery was scheduled for April 13. We sort of had things planned out. I had done a lot of research and thought that I understood what the recovery would be like. I had forwarded a lot of information to my hubby, but he didn't have time to talk to me about it because of work and the research he's doing for his dissertation.
    I had wanted to put off the surgery until after he graduated, but he had promised that he could take a lot of FMLA time off to take care of me and to work on his research at the times that I didn't need him. I planned to do a lot of talking to him before April 13.
    Then my surgeon ruined it all. He had a conflict, so he moved my surgery to April 6. When we arrived at the hospital, I wanted to cancel it and go home, but I allowed myself to be convinced into pre-op, and I should have stuck to my own feelings and gone home. We were totally unprepared, especially my husband.
    My surgery went outstandingly well, even though I'm extremely allergic to opioids. I didn't have much pain at all.
    My problem was that my husband went home to sleep so that he could go to work the next day and didn't stay with me.
    I awoke from a dream that I was drooling and found that my pillow and bed were wet because the IV was pulled out and the drain in my back was pulled out. I reached and found that I had also knocked off both the call button and my pain button. I had to lay there watching the window for 40 minutes before a nurse noticed. Earlier, I had been having some strange nightmares (probably drug-induced) involving that window. If my hubby had stayed with me I think that I would not have had so many problems coping with all of this (the staff had left some bedclothes for him and there was a pull-out couch in the room).
    My hospital stay had its ups and downs. There were two male nurses who were great to me and made a couple of days decent for me. The night nurse was awful. She was very slow to answer my needs. Once the catheter came out, my over-active bladder problems went from being under control to being total incontinence. I started getting up and using my walker to get to the bathroom because she was so slow and I couldn't wait. On the third day, I had prune juice with both breakfast and lunch because I knew that would work for me. That nurse came on duty and insisted on giving me two stool softeners and two senecots. She said that this was necessary because of the effects of narcotics and rolled her eyes at me when I told her about my allergy. It worked explosively that evening. Then it worked four more times overnight, and I took myself to the bathroom each time, which really ticked that nurse off. I wish that my hubby had been there to help me and to defend me from that nurse.
    I wanted to have a few days on the rehab floor, since I knew that my hubby wasn't ready for me to go home, but it was denied because I was doing so well. I was discharged four days after my surgery, and I had to call my husband to come from work to pick me up. That same awful nurse insisted on giving me a pneumonia vaccine before I left. I told her that I had one in California in 2010 and was told that it was good for 10 yrs. She rolled her eyes and said "In Texas, we give them every 5 yrs." I wound up having an itchy rash and allergic reaction to that injection, and I wish that my hubby had been there to protect me from her.
    Hubby was totally unprepared for me to be home. We didn't have food in the house , since our food deliveries weren't scheduled for three more days. He made me a warm breakfast once and only once. It tasted terrible, but at least he tried. I so wish that he had tried more often. I had a horrible time sleeping on our pillow top mattress for five nights, since my rented hospital bed didn't arrive until the next Tuesday. The hubby had never bothered to get our old and dangerous shower remodeled because he was too busy, so showers are a bit scary to me even now.
    The worst thing was that hubby felt guilty about things that only he could do at work and started going in half days that very week. Since I was up and around he thought that I was capable of taking care of myself, so he went back to work full-time by the time I was home for two weeks. I've never dealt with depression before, but I started sinking deeper and deeper into depression each day that I was home alone. I was thinking of ways to commit suicide so that I could just get out of his way permanently for most of the month of May.
    I was trying to talk with my husband and I thought that his four days off for Memorial Day would be our time for us to be together. As it turned out, my daughter had surgery that Thursday and kept waking us at 6 am to come to the hospital to be with her. The ironic thing was that when I asked where her husband was, she told me that he was at home and wasn't awake yet! I understand that she was in pain, but it hurt me that she made the entire weekend all about her needs, so we really didn't get any alone time to talk. I wish that I had that talent.
    I'm now 8 weeks post-op, and finally this week my husband decided to take most of the week off of work to be with me (ha!) after he cleared his desk on Monday. (He blew it on the FMLA time, so he's had to take leave time now) Once again, here came my daughter on Tuesday, now driving and recovering nicely, but she stayed with us all day and wore me out totally. She did bring me a tiny rescued kitten to care for last week, which has helped with my depression. On Wednesday, the housekeeper was here most of the day, so hubby disappeared to his study to do research, then took me to PT. He then told me that he had a lot to get done before talking with his professor on Thursday, which is why I'm alone again and writing this. It was such a mistake to have this surgery before he graduated! I would like to do the walking and the exercises that I've been told to do, but it's too hot to walk outside and I would really like for my husband to take me somewhere to walk or to encourage me to do exercises, but he's too busy, as usual.
    I'm hating the restrictions and feeling much more disabled than before the surgery. I would give anything to have the leg pain back and my normal life back. I had a lot of leg pain and neuropathy in my feet, so I could no longer drive, but I could get around, take care of my home and laundry and most of all, I could cook. I love to cook, but now it causes me a lot of pain when I try. My husband has done a few things to make my kitchen a bit more accessible, but reaching for pans and lifting things still won't work for me. I still can't drive, since the neuropathy has returned and I can't keep my foot from sliding off of the brake.
    The only thing that the surgery did was take away the leg pain and allow me to stand straighter.
    I've tried sleeping in our bed for the last few nights, and it has caused the pain in my lower back and hips to come back. I still can't turn over on that bed without sitting up and causing a whole lot of pain. That mattress was a $1500 dollar mistake, but it's too new to replace.
    Things are really worse for me than before the surgery. It really didn't help the things that I had hoped for and has taken away some of the last joys that I had in my life. My health has slowly taken away my joys - teaching, driving, my independence, my social life, and now cooking and this surgery has profoundly damaged a 39 year marriage.
    I would give the world to go back to April 6 and just say NO to surgery.
  • SukhreSSukhre San Diego, CAPosts: 181
    Serious diseases like Cervical C-spine stenosis or brain lesions go hand in hand with anxiety, depression... and the quality of life goes down and the society cannot see the pain..
    MRI shows C4-C7 severe steonosis. Pain in hand.
  • My husband has been taking care of me for almost a yr now. And has been the sole bread winner for that same amount of time. As before my injury we had always split the work load with everything we did. He has alot of pressure on him now to make sure all of the bills are paid. So yes an injury illness or any other life changing event will,play out to be a major change in your marriage. We have good days and we have very bad days. But we always turn back to the one thing that will always bring us together and that is Jesus Christ and we just keep praying that I will get better and things will turn around for our family.
  • ShelleyazSShelleyaz Posts: 63
    edited 09/12/2015 - 11:10 AM
    My husband has been amazingly patient since I fell in March 2015. He is not afraid to jump in and cook a meal, change the sheets, do some laundry or whatever else is needed. But most importantly he has the added burden of managing the bills. He works full-time at a high-pressure job and has taken off many days to make some extra money to pay the deductibles, co-pays, coinsirance etc. I try very hard to do the minimum of having a meal on the table, the groceries purchased, and his laundry done. But some days that doesn't always happen.

    Today was one of those days. I had phone calls going back-and-forth with five different doctors to set up surgery. I made five meals for when I have surgery, I had an eye doctor appointment, met a friend for lunch, picked up a prescripton at the doctors office, dropped the prescription off at the pharmacy, and when I got home I had a migraine. The last thing I wanted to do was cook dinner but I did because he works so hard and tries so hard to be understanding of what I am going through.
    C4-C5 ACDF surgery with plating August 28.
    cord compression due to disc-osteophyte complex
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