( Please no one with the I just think of others who have it worse, as I only know my pain and limitations and everyday, all day I deal with people who are not those people who have it worst ) Its something i never could have imagined would increase so much upon returning to work ( yes I am greatful to be working again but worked my butt off to be there). When i was on disability and going to school my life was just studying and rehab/drs and the kids in school really were just trying to graduate. Now that I am at work its a non-stop what did you do this weekend, went hiking, flew to europe, bought a new house, coached my sons team, building a porch, played softball, etc etc etc ad nauseum. I have always been a competative person and it burns inside to not be doing these active things, i am not envious of the people but of what they are able to do with their free time. My days off work are countless rehab, doctor visits, testing which isnt going anywhere anytime soon due to the nature of my condition so many different doctors to manage it. I want that old pride to take something from nothing and work hard and see it after and be proud. I dreamed of remodeling homes with my brother as a business to rent out and just learn as we go , read so many books etc and now my brother who has heard me talk about it for years has started doing it and I am so glad for him and i can see the excitement it brings him to talk about what he can do with it, its me before all this injury. I for the life of me want to go, go , go . How in the world do you block out the little bit of jealousy or envy or whatever feeling it is when it seems that all your friends are reaching their dreams or their careers are blossoming and families to and I am still just trying to get by. I try my best everyday and in my life before injury my best was always more than enough, now it just gets me till tommorrow. Does this ever get better , do you ever not want to be active and out there doing the things you loved? Envy and jealously was never a character flaw for me pre-injury, i did not even know what this felt like as if I wanted something or to be somewhere I just worked harder and I got there, i never looked on at things I couldn't achieve or reach or do in my past days. The entire time in school i isolated myself and longed to be out there, now that i am I miss the isolation sometimes cause I did not really get to see all that was out there and how good it could be, i protected myself by isolating. I see myself in so many of these active, adventerous people and a second of my life ( injuries) is the only difference in them doing what they are doing and me doing what I am doing, but our lives are so drastically different. It can be a sobering thing to come to terms with. Before I get the pity party stuff, I am working everyday through these feelings and trying to make the best of my life as i can, but regardless it still does not just go away.
Do your due dilegence, trust you know your body and question everything if it does not fit. Advocate for yourself and you will be suprised what will be revealed trusting your body and instinct.