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Marriage affected by chronic pain (2 recent spinal surgeries)

edited 07/11/2015 - 7:24 AM in Depression and Coping
Can anyone help provide some tips or just support here? I believe my marriage is failing which is multifaceted however my chronic pain and surgery recovery certainly doesn't help things.

I am feeling worthless and extremely depressed. I am out of work that I love, for a year post 2nd surgery (will be March 2016 when I return). I also have 2 young children.

I feel like my husband and I sit around here all day. I am out of work and he is too...supposedly to be my and children's full time caregiver. And I feel we are growing resentful and bored and just angry.

My condition certainly does not help matters. But I am in therapy and doing what needs to be done, as much as I can. I feel like he gets almost jealous...doesn't feel like the right word.. but almost like a wanting the attention to be more on him. Which I feel is absolutely absurd given all that I have been through...but I guess I can understand it somewhat, being human nature. He has to care for all of us.

We currently are not talking to each other. I feel he doesn't understand and doesn't care to. I feel horribly alone and sad. I have been looking for an in person support group with no luck then came across this. Spine health helped me with questions prior to surgeries so hopefully it can help me with recovery.

Thank you for reading ♡

Welcome to Spine-Health

One of the most important things that need members can do is to provide the rest of the community with as much information about themselves as possible. It is so very difficult for anyone to respond when we do not have enough information to go on. This is not meant to indicate that you are doing anything wrong or violated any rule, we are just trying to be pro-active and get the information upfront so that people can start responding and your thread is more effective.

So many times we read about members who have different tests and they all come back negative. The more clues and information you provide, the better chances in finding out what is wrong, The fact that your test results are negative does not mean that you are fine and without any concerns. Many times it takes several diagnostic tests and procedures to isolate a specific condition.

Here are some questions that you should answer:

  • - When did this first start?

    . Year, Your age, etc
- Was it the result of an accident or trauma?
- Are there others in your family with similar medication conditions?
- What doctors have you seen? (Orthopedic, Neurosurgeon, Spine Specialist, etc)

  • . Which doctor did you start with? Ie Primary Care Physician
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  • . Physical Therapy
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  • . Name of Medication
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Providing answers to questions like this will give the member community here a better understanding
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What could be good for someone could spell disaster for another.
You should also consult your doctor to better understand your condition and the do’s and don’t’s.

It is very important that new members (or even seasoned members) provide others with details about their condition(s). It is virtually impossible to help another member when all the details we have are

I’ve had this for years, it hurts, I cant move my shoulder – what could this be, what treatment should I get?

Diagnosing spinal problems can be very difficult. In many ways it’s like a game of clue. Especially, when the diagnostic tests come back negative – no trouble found! Then it’s up to the patient and the doctor to start digging deeper. The doctor is like a detective. They need clues to help them move along. So, you as the patient need to provide the doctor with all sorts of clues. That is like it is here. Without having information about a condition, its impossible for anyone here to try to help.

Specific comments :

Personal Opinion, not medical advice :

--- Ron DiLauro, Spine-Health System Moderator : 07/11/15 13:27est


  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,476
    edited 07/11/2015 - 12:04 PM
    It certainly sounds like you are going through a difficult time.

    You mentioned you are feeling worthless and depressed. The two of you being out of work is stressful enough, adding your pain and ongoing therapy, I think does take its toll.

    Although depression often accompanies the pain, it should not be accepted as normal.
    Have you seen a psychiatrist? Or some talk therapy? Would your husband be willing to go to counseling with you?

    It doesn't have to be a forever thing, just to get better understanding of each other's perspectives.
    If he doesn't want to go with you, well, I personally found it quite beneficial for me to go for myself.

    If you wanted real life support group, your therapist could suggest one for you.
    There are many different support groups for people in chronic pain. A hospital may be able to suggest one to you also.
    But I'm sure it depends on where you live.

    There is a post__the blend__ on this site. You can use __ search__ upper right on page.
    It helps with ideas of coping, and distractions from the pain. It may benefit you, as you said you feel you sit around all day.

    In taking best care of yourself and getting better understanding of your husbands perspective, even if he doesn't accompany you, your perspective may improve.
    That could be a first step towards better family life during this transition you are both experiencing.

    You are definitely not alone! Hang in there!
    Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • Chronic pain is incredibly hard on relationships, even the strongest in the best of situations. Every little stress & strain on-top of the huge weight of that is just another straw that poor old camels back has to carry. At times chronic pain can be all consuming. I think being lover, best friend, partner AND care giver & therapist is more change than many can handle all at the same time.
    Lately I've been looking into the long term effects of living with chronic pain & taking medications. My intention is to make changes to avoid the risks associated. I mean everything from diet changes, products for dry mouth etc. A far higher percentage of marriages end in divorce when one person (particularly the woman) lives with chronic pain. I don't want my marrisge to be one of them! We're on a very rocky road lately. Sometimes it's incredibly hard to see the other persons perspective & the anxiety, fear, anger, frustration, depression etc etc etc..... Chronic pain has robbed BOTH of you of so much. We picture our marriage & our future a certain way. Chronic pain changes many elements of that. That's huge & takes a lot of adjustment & time to process.

    I feel horribly alone & sad too.
    Osteoarthritis & DDD.
  • BizcoachBBizcoach CanadaPosts: 28
    edited 07/17/2015 - 8:20 PM
    My wife and I remain strong despite her doing all my stuff in addition to her. We still eat pizza out on Thursdays and hit a coffee shop for a late nite coffee date in Friday's. Those times we express our true feelings, think about adjusting our original vision of our future years and make mutually happy plans for when things improve over time.

    It is a difficult time but find a style of communication which is empathic quiet and supportive of each other.

    May 13, 2015. L4/L5
    2X bilateral lam
    2X s. process removed
    2X lumbar sten
    1X discotomy
    1X synovial cystectomy
    4X f. joint modifications
    4X foramenotomies
    1X spondylolisthesis
    1X bilateral post. Llumbar fusion
    1X instrumented fixation
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