Welcome, Friend!

It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!

Veritas-Health LLC has recently released patient forums to our Arthritis-Health web site.

Please visit http://www.arthritis-health.com/forum

There are several patient story videos on Spine-Health that talk about Arthritis. Search on Patient stories
Protect anonymity
We strongly suggest that members do not include their email addresses. Once that is published , your email address is available to anyone on the internet , including hackers.

All discussions and comments that contain an external URL will be automatically moved to the spam queue. No external URL pointing to a medical web site is permitted. Forum rules also indicate that you need prior moderator approval. If you are going to post an external URL, contact one of the moderators to get their approval.
Attention New Members
Your initial discussion or comment automatically is sent to a moderator's approval queue before it can be published.
There are no medical professionals on this forum side of the site. Therefore, no one is capable or permitted to provide any type of medical advice.
This includes any analysis, interpretation, or advice based on any diagnostic test

Is it ok to just give up?

milimememmilimeme Posts: 58
edited 07/27/2015 - 2:43 AM in Depression and Coping
I am at my rock bottom. A while back I decided to stop eating. I am down from 175lbs to 142lbs. My list of problems is long, bad back, bad skin, money problems, no g/f for 6 years since I was injured. I basically have no life and feel I have no future. I can't do anything I used to enjoy without causing myself to be bed ridden for weeks.

I know people say it isn't normal to give up... I feel it is the best option. Surgery is my last option to fix my back, it might not work, it might make it worse. Even if I have surgery, I will be limited in what I can do...

I say it is ok to give up. VSED, I haven't quit drinking water but that will likely come soon.


  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,837
    You have asked the wrong person with me.

    Its never the end, we never give up......

    I guess, I was raised to realize that once you give up, you then throw in the towel and the downward spiral begins... And that is so hard to stop.

    I will never give up. Forget about my years with chronic pain, all those surgeries, more surgeries to come. It all doesn't matter.

    I am ALIVE. I look forward to each day. I want to make sure that every day I can make some contribution to society. Doesn't have to be a major one, just something.

    To me, IF I did give up, I would not only be disappointing myself, but I would be letting my entire family down. And that is something I am not about to do
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • I am not normally one to give up. I wasn't raised that way either. I just feel like after 6 years I deserve something great. Maybe I'm asking too much. Every time I try to get ahead I get thrown back. I just want one thing to happen that is good for a change...
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,837
    is something good.

    I am not saying that it is easy, but when you put your efforts into making things better, guess what? things do get better.
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • itsautonomicitsautonomic LouisianaPosts: 1,805
    The bottom line is statistics and personality. A certain percentage of people in chronic pain will give up , that is not debatable and the suicide rates reflect it. I thought I could conquer everything at one time in my life and easily got through some things others would have considered tough. It's sad when a family member dying does not haunt and stick in your brain everyday like chronic pain does, you don't get a break. Some of us are not as strong as others , that's just life. In the news you see the paralyzed person who climbed Mount Everest but you do not see or hear about the thousands who are miserable and have lost everything or worse. But if you saw those people hope would be harder to come by. I don't preach all the positive things as Dilauro I stick to what I have seen and experienced and that is you have to just find that thing that keeps you on the right side of the statistics, you have to have the right medical team to help with relief and the pain load and you just have to hope you will get better one day and you also have to forget your previous life and don't compare yourself to others and your old self ( hardest things). We all just want our definition of a normal stable life, dreams are now replaced by a need to be in less pain or have some social life.
    Giving up is always an option, that many have taken so don't feel guilt for these feelings but i challange you to ask yourself have I exhausted all options to get better and done all I could. I was in your place many times and because I could answer no to that question it forced me to keep going and find some success over the years. I'm in many other forums where people are , no offense, in much worse pain than spine pain and what you see is devastating to say the least many of them could not take the pain 24 hrs a day for years and gave up. It's no ones right to judge those people as we all live in our pain and it's different for everyone. When you realize people do end their lives because of chronic pain your heart breaks , but you want to do whatever you can to avoid reaching that place. But it's real and there is no positive spin on that. Being honest with your doctor that the level of pain has you in this place may be the first step, asking what haven't you tried may be the next, and so on and so on pulling yourself out that hole has to have a starting point . Try to find yours
    Do your due dilegence, trust you know your body and question everything if it does not fit. Advocate for yourself and you will be suprised what will be revealed trusting your body and instinct.
  • itsautonomicitsautonomic LouisianaPosts: 1,805
    edited 07/24/2015 - 4:54 AM
    It does to the ones you love, but it has to be you who chooses to want to go on and find value, you can only live for someone else for so long. Its a devestaing situation to be without funds and need medical treatment cause its so expensive and adds to anxiety. There are many exercises and stretching that can be done at home to at least start getting you ready for surgury if you can ever get to that option. Those are not neccissarily the best years of your life, but yes you are correct you cannot get them back and its very hard. Its not the future you imagined is it ? I am sure your anxiety is off the chart and its understandable, treating that may help some along with mental situation. Is your pain managed ? Or does finance keep you from treatment?
    Do your due dilegence, trust you know your body and question everything if it does not fit. Advocate for yourself and you will be suprised what will be revealed trusting your body and instinct.
  • I had been going to the doctor (4 times since my re-injury in June) but I am out of funds as of two weeks ago... I only have pain meds left that were prescribed for sleep now. Lyrica was prescribed but it is not working so during the day I am one huge hurting unit. I can barely make it through work atm. I have been splitting my allotted night time pain meds into smaller pieces (halves) to use during the day and sleep about 2-3 hours at night with what is left... Those will be gone in about 2 weeks.

    By the time I get off work, I go straight to bed to take the weight off my back. That or lay on my decline weight bench sort of like an inversion table. It helps but not enough for sleep.

    The irony of all of this college debt is that it is the reason I kept living initially after a full year of trying to treat my pain but failing. I didn't want to leave my parents with the remaining ~$60,000 I had in debt at that time. I still have about $38,000 left, but enough is enough. I really see no future that I consider worth living... I am not the type that can get by doing nothing all day every day especially if while doing nothing I am suffering in pain.

    Starvation may not be the best way to go, but at least it is within my legal right, or at least I believe it is.

  • milimememmilimeme Posts: 58
    edited 07/24/2015 - 6:29 AM
    My back pain is the biggest factor, but also having hidradenitis supurativa with horrible scarring, financial issues (lack of money), and being alone during the prime of my life has set me off... I have lost the best years of my life 24-30... I can't get those back and see no future no matter what choices I do make. My last option for my back is surgery, it may help, it may make it worse. My financial situation won't really let me choose this option and my family can not help. I simply can't afford the surgery nor the recovery time. Cornered and defeated are probably the two best words to describe the way I feel. You are correct about the statistics, and I keep telling myself I am one of 7.3 billion, realistically, it doesn't matter if I am around or not.

    Suicide Help Resources

    Suicide Hotline Numbers
    USA: 1-800-784-2433
    UK : 08457 90 90 90
    ROI: 1850 60 90 90

    Suicide Hotline Numbers for Canada (URL Link)
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,837
    edited 07/24/2015 - 6:28 AM
    be seeking some help.
    Its clear that the physical pain has totally consumed you. But your words are also sounding like someone who is more than emotionally desperate.
    Ending it all, starvation are all words that you do not expect to hear day to day

    I will repeat these numbers:
    Suicide Help Resources

    Suicide Hotline Numbers
    USA: 1-800-784-2433
    UK : 08457 90 90 90
    ROI: 1850 60 90 90

    Suicide Hotline Numbers for Canada (URL Link)
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • itsautonomicitsautonomic LouisianaPosts: 1,805
    The lack of funds, lack of treatment options, lack of social life, uncontrolled pain , lack of sleep and fear of future. It's a perfect recipe for the pain consuming you and there is nothing shameful about it. It happens to the best of us Especially when it's taken out of your hands and control . Look up reasources, reasearch things that can help mental anguish, look to anything you can to get some control back into your life. While you may not hear those words you speak everyday, so many here have thought the same in our darkest hour. I think it would be stranger not to have those thoughts sometimes when pain takes over. I was there not to long ago, but finally finding answers changed all that for me. I still beleive I will get better even though the odds are that I wont, that is how I am able to keep those thoughts at bay. You must find your own hope and fight to keep going till it comes. I sincerely hate this for you, I feel your hurt , desperation and loneliness very vividly. I'm sorry and I'm here if Ya need to talk.
    Do your due dilegence, trust you know your body and question everything if it does not fit. Advocate for yourself and you will be suprised what will be revealed trusting your body and instinct.
  • Motor1MMotor1 Pittsburgh, PaPosts: 552
    edited 07/24/2015 - 7:54 AM
    Please research places in your area that can help you! Look up your local county and find a social worker who can help you. There are lots of resources that can help you & some are offered free or based on what you can afford.
    I urge you to call the numbers that Ron has given you. They can help you through this & point you towards the proper people who can give you some help.
    Let me also say that starvation is not the way to go! Your organs begin to shut down & it's very painful! I worked in hospice care & I have witnessed it.
    You are in a very dark place right now, but you must try to seek out to people who can help you.
    Please know that we do care about you.
  • Mother GooseMMother Goose Posts: 87
    edited 07/24/2015 - 5:34 PM
    you know from reading all of your posts, it sounds like the pain is what you say is your biggest problem. I don't think so, it sounds like loneliness, not having a girlfriend, or someone that loves you is the real problem. Yes, it's hard to have a social life when you are dealing with constant pain. I have days where I feel like all I do is go to work and then deal with my pain. But luckily for me I have a good doctor or two, and I go to the pool to work on my pain. That gets me out of the house, gets me around people, and it does help with the pain.

    What I am seeing, (or reading) is that you stay on the couch. It also sounds like you sit all day at work. That is not helping. I would almost suggest getting a dog because that would force you to get up and get out of the house. The more you sit the worse the pain is going to get. I started out by just walking, at a normal pace and doing stretching exercises recommended by the physical therapist. I was able to do a lot in the pool and then sit in the hottub. Eventually I started doing a water arthritis class, then a year later I added water aerobics, eventually I added some land classes and I have been doing zumba for about 8 years now. My pain level is manageable. Starting an exercise program is going to be painful to start but it's not going to stay that way if you are following the doctor's orders. It is possible to have a life while living with chronic pain. And as everyone has mentioned, talk to someone, call the suicide hotline, find resources, if you are in the US, there are plenty, it just takes time to find them.

    One more thing, it's easy to blow off calling the suicide hotline because you think they don't know what you're going through. They don't need to have experienced what you are dealing with to help you. I worked in the mental health field for years before I finally let my license expire, (the continuing education cost was getting out of hand) and I often heard that. a lot of times I did have similar experiences but most of the time I didn't, yet I was able to help others. The help is out there.

    Thank you, a very effective and positive post. Ron DiLauro, Spine-Health System Moderator
  • itsautonomicitsautonomic LouisianaPosts: 1,805
    Milimeme, I read about your other condition and the scaring and how it can make movement painful. We all like to give advice on what's worked for us and the theory is sound , but the individual condition is different in so many ways. We can't tell what complications this other disorder has brought into your life outside the spine issue. Especially since I have not seen another with this same disorder here. How does that condition impact you? I find that the rare conditions are sometimes the hardest to grasp when accompanied by other issues.
    Do your due dilegence, trust you know your body and question everything if it does not fit. Advocate for yourself and you will be suprised what will be revealed trusting your body and instinct.
  • EnglishGirlEEnglishGirl Posts: 1,825
    edited 07/26/2015 - 8:18 AM
    I hit a really low point a few years back. My big plan at the time was find a new hobby...whatever gets you through the night! Right? The thing that changed my life was tiny...I bought something online & had to ask the seller a question. She sounded nice when she wrote back so I wrote a little more. I found myself telling her more & more about myself as she did me. I found myself looking forward to her mails. We've now written, sometimes many times, every day for years. I've managed to get myself on a plane to stay with her. That's huge for me! We've adopted abused kittens. We've discovered new hobbies & interests together. She is my friend. It might not sound like a big deal but it changed my life. I'm not alone. It helps that we share chronic pain & truly understand eachother. We have both confided that we might not be here if we hadn't found each-other, life would definitely be 'less'.
    My brother, my only sibling took his life. Chronic pain broke him but life finished him. You sound terribly lonely & hopeless. Just know that life can change at any moment. Write here, write to people, try to find support groups. Could you care for & occasionally walk a dog? Human beings need contact & closeness with others. Isolation is a terrible thing. I'm so sorry.
    Osteoarthritis & DDD.
  • I will tell you that pain may not be the worst thing... Having no future and not being able to do things a normal young person can is what has finally pushed me over the edge... Since age 24 I haven't been able to do anything I used to enjoy... Since I was an extremely active person, maybe this affected me more than some others in the same situation.

    It doesn't help that I'm stuck in s small town of 3000 people. We have no pool, no nothing. Actually we have 7 bars and a grocery store, that's it. I went to college in Missoula MT, it was the best time of my life. Then I got screwed.

    I have no money to move. The closest large city is 30 minutes one way. I can't meet people because there's no one in this town and being in cars is rough on my back. I don't have good understanding doctors. Here where I live it seems like pain meds are the devil in the doctors eyes.

    The worst things in my life rated by order are currently this:

    1. No life, and the thought of never having a life again (I won't ever again be happy). I can't have fun like a normal person. My life stopped at age 24.

    2. Being alone... No way this will change. No woman would have a guy my age that can't do anything except sit or lay down. How would I meet a good gal doing these things anyway.

    3. Pain, it grinds a person down over time. It may not be the biggest problem but it creates all of the problems.

    4. Money, my lack of funds keeps me from being treated correctly, it also keeps me stuck in this small town...

    5. Skin condition, this is just icing on the cake, a kick to the teeth, a slap in the face. It's not enough that I suffer pain, now I suffer disfigurement too. This may be last on the list but it isn't exactly a walk in the park even on its own.

    The truth is, I see no future for myself and so I am letting it go. I need to feel in control of what is left of my life. The only thing I can control is eating or not. I have chosen to no longer eat.

    I do have people I talk to that I know from college etc... It doesn't really help, words can't suddenly fix my body, they can't take away the pain or fix the scars...

    I know that my life will only get worse over time.
  • itsautonomicitsautonomic LouisianaPosts: 1,805
    Its like a black hole, that's how I described it. All I can say is that yes life did get worse for me, but only because I got blessed with a neurological condition. Speaking strickly of my thoracic spine issues I would be living life now after that injection finally worked for me, I felt like I had a future again. I know we are not the same and you have issues that I don't, but there can be change for the better.
    If I was rich I'd give you the money for treatment and this could reverse all the other issues potentially if it works. It's sad you are so limited from the money situation to treat your pain. I can really help you find some information on thoracic spine and surgeons that specialize in it and some other forums where you can speak directly to a very good doctor and have him answer questions ( ones he can online ). He is a chiropractor and then became an orthopedist, and its free to just pose a question. It gives you some control back, you will be actively trying to get better. I researched thoracic spine and saw many good doctors who specialize in it .
    Do your due dilegence, trust you know your body and question everything if it does not fit. Advocate for yourself and you will be suprised what will be revealed trusting your body and instinct.
  • I keep reading about your life not being "normal", not being what you expected it to be. Not having any control... "normal" is a setting on the dishwasher. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate what normal is. Normal is different for everyone. Even if you look at your age group, normal is not going to be the same for the majority of people. A 30 year old doctor's normal is different from a 30 year old athlete which is different than a 30 year old school teacher which is different from a 30 year old runway model. Everyone is different. (yeah, or life would be really boring). You need to create your own version of normal. If you believe that you don't have a future or that your pain won't get better, then you won't try hard enough to get better. it can get better, my pain has gone from a 10 to a 5, and some days it goes down to about 2-3. I am so much better than I was 10 years ago, probably even 5 years ago. A lot of it has to do with my stubbornness, I won't let the pain win. That is the choice that I have made.

    Now you mentioned that you live in a small town and don't have a lot of resources and that you can't drive for more than 30 minutes, (I don't either, my car is a 2008 and I hit 44,000 miles this weekend), but you mentioned that you are employed, so isn't there health insurance available. Also if the company has more than 15 employees they have to comply with the American's with disabilities act, (ADA). Reasonable accommodations at work can help with the pain. If you can find a good physical therapist, he can show you exercises to do on your own so that you don't have to pay to go into the office several times a week. Like I said and other people did too, if you find a hobby or an online group, it can help take your mind off the pain a little bit. You also mentioned that you reinjured it a few months ago, how where you coping before that?

    The bottom line is that if you believe that your life can get better it will. (of course you need to believe and then act on it)
  • milimememmilimeme Posts: 58
    edited 07/26/2015 - 6:40 PM
    I tried physical therapy for one year solid. I didn't have any help from it unfortunately. I really have tried every option except surgery...

    I was coping before by doing nothing at all except sit or lay down., most days I cranked music and layed on an inversion table until I went to bed. I take between 6-8 aspirin a day. It helps 10% or so. I did this for 6 years... I stopped playing video games after a few years out of boredom, I ran out of TV shows and movies to watch, and I realized I'm 30 and alone. I had to change my life. So I played volleyball and here I am suffering.

    At my work I do have a nice chair and the option to stand when needed. I get through.

    My normal... I was very active I want these back in my life: mountain bike, snowboard, wake board, body building, soccer, basketball, baseball, tennis, golf, the list goes on and on. I was never not active... That was my normal. How do I possibly stay sane when suddenly everything in my life wasn't possible? Maybe because I was so active it hurts me more to be sedentary.

    I played volleyball to try to bring normality back into my listless sedentary boring lifestyle and I payed the price. I can't not play sports anymore but I need my life back. Being that I can't have my once "normal" life back and I can't live the same as I have been the past 6 years what are my options?

    1. Have surgery and hope it helps, I'll still be limited and unable to play most if any of the sports I once enjoyed. Surgery is no guarantee, it might make the pain worse. Plus I'll lose more of my years to recovery.

    2. I let go, when the lights go out, maybe I'll wake up and have another go, a reset. Who knows.

    From my perspective number 2 looks a lot better. I don't know why but I have no fear of death.

    I'm not trying to be a negative Nancy, I truly believe the best option is to start over, if that's what happens. If not, at least I'll finally get some real rest, no more of the broken 2-3 hours of sleep I get now.

    Before I re injured my back, the best I have slept the past 6 years is maybe 6 hours a few nights a week. That requires a few Benadryl and some melatonin.

    I don't know how people live this life more than 10 years. I don't have the strength. I can't keep treading water looking for land when I know land won't ever be found. Some journey's end sooner than others. I don't feel guilty anymore either. I think it's just as selfish to keep a suffering animal alive as it is for that animal to starve itself to it's end.

    I do appreciate everyone's input but I think my choice is somewhat written in stone now.
  • What is one positive thing about you?
    One uniquely attribute all your own.
    In the past you did things well
    What do you do well now?
    Everything you are going through now,is for,a,reason.

    Everything you did in your past was a lesson learned.
    Everything you do today,is a lesson learned
    Everything you do tomorrow,will be a lesson for others to learn from.

    I cant walk in your moccasins,because ive my own broken ones to deal,with.

    But only and ever living in the past is not a fitting garment to wear today.

    Holding on too tight to what you did,and not moving on toward the next goal...doesnt fit the energy you expended to reach your goals.
    All that pent up frustration,anger and drive is pulling you in different directions.

    Take charge of your next hour...decide that this will be,done..my way.

    Let go of what you did
    Fight for what you will do
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,837
    We have all provided millimeme with suggestions and ideas.
    To date, none of them have been recognized.
    We can not allow members to self destruct, it is clear that there is nothing any member here can do to help out.
    Only professional assistance would be in order.

    Thread closed and will be removed.
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
Sign In or Register to comment.