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I don't do this often....

edited 06/11/2012 - 7:19 AM in Matters of the Heart
Hey guys , I don't talk about myself that much but right now I need my friends.Jessi , C and Papa know pretty much all about this already. As you all know the medial branch blocks and ablation didn't go so good (in fact ended up causing more problems )and so now I am facing having an EMG and Myleogram ( I got my appointments for them yesterday ) and I am so scared that they will not find out what is going on with my shoulder blade , shoulder , arm , hand and neck. I just want to know what is wrong so that it can be fixed. I have an incredibly high tolerance for pain but this new pain has brought me to my knees on more than one occassion and I am having to take narcotics again which I absolutely hate....I really thought I was past all that. Then there is the fact that all of these medical bills are piling up and getting in the way of my family being able to go ahead and buy a home because there seems to be no end in sight to the procedures and bills. It is getting to the point of me possibly stopping all medical treatment all together because of the cost....that frightens me too. Now throw on top of all of that the things going on with my Dad...they found more cancer , he had surgery and they think they got it all but in the process his eye is doing very badly....he may end up losing it and my Mom who works to support them is now facing problems with her heart....I can't fix that situation either and I feel so utterly useless and helpless. I have always prided myself on being strong and being there for everyone but I am breaking and well , it scares the hell out of me.....I have cried more the last week than I think I have in my entire life and I don't like to cry either....not these kind of tears anyway. I always pride myself in finding the silver lining but right now all I can see are black clouds and thunderstorms rolling in and that is unacceptable. At this point in life when things go bad I usually drop off the radar but I am trying to not repeat that type of behaviour , I am following my friend's advice and reaching out for support but it is not easy and not something that makes me comfortable at all but I am going to do it anyway. I just can't keep this up much longer , it is wearing me down in a way that I have never experienced before. I am sorry to unload on all of you but I know that you all will be here for me and not judge me. Thanks for taking the time to read this and any advice would be greatly appreciated. Love to you all....Miki


  • Awwww Miki I am so sorry that you have all this going on right now. I don't have the same gift for words that other people do on this site but I want you to know that I really do understand what your going through.

    I tough it out for my family and friends like you do and I've been told many times to let the guard down and show them how it really is. Not so easy is it. Like you, I also generally see the silver lining but those black clouds do keep rolling in don't they. Reaching out for help when you have always been the one giving the help goes right against the grain doesn't it - I'm so with you Miki, don't be afraid to do that. Just remember you aren't superwoman (I am)!!

    I don't know what advice I can offer you, you have always had the answers for everyone else on here (including me), you have always been on hand for us all and I for one have valued your friendship and support over the years (good grief - it really is years isn't it). You wont have to reach far Miki, there are many people here who will have the right words to offer you.

    I'm thinking of you, your father and your family and hope that things pick up for all of you soon.

    I'll be in chat if you want to join me.

  • my friend....your words are just fine and it helps so much to know that someone else understands where I am coming from. It is also good to know that you are Super Woman , that means that I can hang up this cape for awhile , lol. Really though , thank you for taking the time to read this and respond , it means the world to me , it really does. You rock chicka....btw , I hope that work is going well for you and that you are not over doing it....once again , many thanks... :)
  • :) Miki, i am sending so many positive thoughts your way! you are having alot of trials but you will come out on the other side stronger than ever. right now it is all so overwhelming! don't have fear my friend, chasing the diagnosis is one of the hardest things a spiney must do. good luck and remember how many people are behind you! good luck Miki! Jenny :)
  • so much Jenny , that means alot to me.... :)
  • You have always been a rock for so many of us. We don't mind returning the favor. I know this is a virtual world, but you are among friends. I am so sorry that things are not going well. Just look past the black clouds and you will see clear blue sky. I know words are easily written or said, but I am here for you girl. Just like you have been for me so many times. Remember, I have broad shoulders and can be here if you need me. Lots of love, Tom :)
  • Dang girl,
    That is a lot to be carrying around. Please remember that we are here for you through the easy and the rough times. You have offered so much support here and that works both ways. There is no shame in asking for help....it is just something our pride tells us not to do. I am sorry that you are hurting and had to start taking narcotics again but try not to look at it as a step backward, it was a solution to a problem. Keep us updated.

  • you guys are going to make me cry....thank you so much....it is good to know that I have you all to lean on....you fellas are the best.
  • Like someone else said, I am not good with words like so many of you are here, but Miki, I think it's very good that you let us know what is going on, sometimes it is very healthful to reach out for support, after all, that's what this Board is all about.

    And, you need to shed some tears sometimes, let it out, there's definitely nothing wrong with that, honey, and stress brings on more pain as you well know, so there is nothing wrong with taking some medication now while you get thru this difficult time. I'm so sorry you are going thru physical pain as well as mental pain, neither of them are good, I do hope the medication will help you, that is what it is for, to help us get thru bad times.

    Everything seems to happen at the same time, believe me, I'm an oldie here (as in age) and I know this, and things may look very dark right now, but in the end, you know, everytime, things really do seem to work out, so just hang in there, honey and remember, you have so many wonderful friends here who really care about you. I don't need to tell you that, however, even though, I'm rather new here, I want you to know how much you bring to this Board, you are a great Moderator, always here for others, now, we will be here for you. Please count me in with the others, I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers also.

    Take care,
  • Believe it or not, our PMs and IM chats helped me immensely come to terms with my own cervical issues. You were there for me and I by all means am willing to chat anytime you like. Feel free to PM me or get me on IM. I also can give you my tel #.

    In situations like these, as we once discussed, one can only dig deep and persevere. I lived the darkness you and others describe for a year, experiencing a level 10 pain every moment, even in sleep. I was my family's sole support and suffering at work. Surgery transformed me from being a top athlete and rising star at work into somebody weak, debilitated, and even unable to listen to music for fear of more pain.

    Speaking of music, just like you, I love Guns "N" Roses. I gave away the song Don't You Cry to BubbleGum, so you're going to have to settle for Sweet Child O Mine. I bet you have eyes worthy of a song, as your avatar suggests.


    I came through my struggles Miki. You probably remember how desperate I was and angry at the medical profession for what they did and how they abandoned me. But, now I routinely play soccer, jog, and have opened up a business. Time sometimes heals these wounds, and if it healed mine, surely it can be the same for others. Like I said, keep digging deep...and fight, fight, fight, and fight.

    Do it for the husband who treats you like the Princess you are. Do it for the beautiful children you dutifully home school. You have so much too live for and are needed. And remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint.

    I don't know what tomorrow will bring, for you, me, or anybody else here. But, I know I will never stop trying to live in spite of any pain or symptoms that come up because of my spine. I vow to defy the doctors that so easily prescribe major procedures that really are a rolling of the dice. So far I am and I am not looking back. Likewise, be defiant in your way against at least the pain, knowing that it can abate.

    If I sound a bit harsh Miki, well, I mean to be. I hate with all my heart that people like you have to suffer. It kills me that you are in worse pain now that you had follow-up procedures. It really does. It actually makes me boil over with anger.

    My prayers and my heart are with you. I stay on the site because now that I have found some comfort, I wish to help others in their cycles of struggle with this. You have shown me how to do this Miki...and why it is important.

    I might not do it as well as you do, but I will be here for you.

    Cheers, Mate
  • Hi Miki,how ya feelin? every one askin that lately hmm? especially now that they see ya feelin low,and it gets agravating,'specialy when your defenses are down,

    Its ok not to be the strong one for a while you know,its ok not to carry your share of the burden,even though your spirit says you can,your physical being ,however, whispers the awful truth into your ear, ever so gently.Like a siren call upon your spirit, to come into the dark..its quiet and still here..rest a while, in this cold and darkness,its comforting and safe here.

    And sometimes,you want to listen,to not have to be strong to have to carry the burdens,just...set them aside for the while your there.its easy you know to give up,to give in,its perfectly ok,whispers the dark,lay with me awhile,and here we will find solace...

    So your guard comes down,but instead of the welcoming arms promised,there is the blade of sorrow piercing your soul,pinioning you to the ground,its heavy foot upon your throat,cutting off your cry,pressing down until nothing but the sound of despair is left to utter...

    So here you are,lashing angry at the lie,there is no peace in the darkness,there is only the keening wail of despair,the angry banshee of regret venting herself to the darkness.

    There, in the darkness of soul,you find yourself,your true self,you look upon the souls mirror..
    But what you see is not the true reflection,of who you are,or what you are..
    You reach out and wipe the mirror,and the reflection becomes a little more clear,a little brighter,so you clean some more and the picture keeps getting clear in the darkness.each wipe takes away fear,clears away some of the anger,and the picture of your true self grows ever more brighter.

    So you've looked inside,and saw what was truly there.a person of great personal worth
    A person worthy of dignity and honor
    A strong person.
    A good person.

    You've seen the sorrow,you know what its strengths are,where youre defenses are weakest.
    You know it will pinion you only as long as you let it..
    You have the clear picture of what despair is..
    and a crystal clear picture of who you are.

    So you can cast off the darkness about you,like an old shawl
    Your no old woman,no old shawly, to have a lifetime of
    sorrow draped over your shoulders,

    Let the darkness fall away!

    You cant be all things at all times to everyone,your gonna wear your self thin,
    You dont have to carry the load for everyone all the time,you dont have to be the person you want to be all the time,only the very best person you can be right now!
    Give some of the load to your other half,give some to us,lighten the emotional burden of being the strong one all the time,your entitled to some strength for you,you give so much and take so little,youre starving yourself,who will carry the burden if you wore yourself out trying? who?

    save some of the love you give so freely to others for ourself,all the consideration you give to those around you,doesnt apply to you? how is that so?

    Give some love back to yourself, your actions have made you worthy of it! no one can critisize you,even yourself at this point in time.its ok to let loose some of the burden,just let go of the anger,you are a great and wonderful person,you deserve much love and kindness,dont forget that.
    Try to bend with the wind,let the emotions wash over you around you and through you,that way you will spring back upright when the storm stops!thing have a way of stacking up over time then cascading over us when we are in a fight within ourselves,here is the fall,now..get up,shake it off and go forth ready to battle! you have all the tools you need,,,but one ..some rest.,stop the endless mindrush,stop the little vignettes cycling over and over in your head,let the waters flow over you,and around you and like the mirror ,your vision will be clear and youll be less grimey in the soul!
    ohh Miki, youve a wonderful giving soul and youve given so much to so many.so dont fret the tears,or the anger,champions are not allowed to cry,.only in front of those other champions who have been in the arena,and know where you have been and what battles you have fought.so its ok to be frustrated ,angry ,sad , and tired, coz we have been there and left something behind there too.

    I hope the best for your family and especially you!
    These times will pass, bad times are not forever,unless you let them.
    Love, Life and Light to you
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • thank you so much for your beautiful words of encouragement. They mean so much to me at this time in my life. I am just blown away by the caring that you all are showing to me , I am undeserving but forever grateful.What I do on these boards is purely out of love and concern for my family of spineys and I am honored everyday that I am given the opportunity to do so but I must admit that it is wonderful to be on the receiving end of the support right now. Once again , thank you Sandy....words can't express what your post means to me.....Miki
  • yes I do remember all of our talks , I just did not realize that they had the effect that they did. However I am so happy for you and how far you have come , good for you. I know that you are there for me and I will probably take you up on that offer of chatting....and thank you for the offer of the phone #. You have come a long way my friend , you should hold your head high and be so proud of yourself....I know that I am extremely proud of you.I will beat this especially knowing that I have such amazing friends standing beside me all the way...how could I lose with you all by my side? I will take Sweet Child O Mine...one of my most favorite songs by GNR....thank you. I just wish that I could put into words what all of this means to me....that you all would take the time to reply and be there for me....my spiney family is the absolute best.I will fight , I will NOT give up....I will beat this and it will be because you all have helped me. Thank you , thank you , a million times thank you.
  • my goodness , I don't even really have adequate words to describe how utterly beautiful what you have written is. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond in such a magnificent way....you my friend have a way with words and those words have touched my soul....thank you. I will be forever grateful for what I have just read.....you have an amazing talent , it has blown me away. I am truly honored by the love and support that you all have shown me.
  • i am sorry to hear about your dad,i will say a prayer for him...
  • That means alot to me , it really does.... :)
  • Miki,
    There are a lot of black clouds lately. So I am so glad that you decided to grab some shelter here where there is so much support. As it was mentioned you help so many, and you continue to do so. You have a lot on that plate there,and have had for a while now. I hope you know that I am hear for you just like you have been for me many times and I am a pm away. It is hard when you are the one that takes care of everyone and everything. Put Miki on the top of that list and for this week-end just take care of you. Do something good for yourself, you'll figure what that is, watch a movie, get your toe's done, do nothing, walk with the family, pm a friend.
    It really helps to just get it out. The clouds will pass and they will come again but just hang in there, I always say go but go slow.
    I really hope physically you get to feeling better soon.
    remember you can always wind our friend Ben up!! Have fun
  • I just wanted you to know that I am here for you along with the others who have posted their support. It has been a rough year for you, and you have earned the right to have a day or two where you are feeling down. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't!

    If you ever need to talk, PM me and I'll send you my phone number. So sorry you are having a difficult time right now. Keep up the great faith that I know you have, and things will eventually get better.

    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
  • Oh Sweetie! Gosh that is a whole lot of burden: bills piling up (boy! I know that one!), Mom and Dad both with serious serious health issues,then you too!

    I can't do a whole lot but I will go out this evening with my personal prayer pipe (gifted to me) and send up smoke and prayers for you. Often the eagles fly overhead when I am praying. This much I can do! I will keep you and your whole family in my prayers!

    Ken GreyEagle
    Western Band Cherokee

    c-3 to c-7 stenosis,disc protrusion..surgery pending
  • My friend, I'm sorry I wasn't around sooner for you.

    Let me tell you that like you I spent many, many years being the "rock" for everyone and, while it is so very gratifying in it's own right, it leaves so many of one's own needs unmet. Please don't ever feel that you have to omit your feeling here or aplogise for even having them. This is your board sister and you pour your heart out whenever you need to- you know we're here to listen.

    I can be you that if you ask your family to chose between buying a house or making you healthy again that the choice would, hands down, be you. Money is unimportant if you are in too much pain to enjoy it. Bills have a way of working themselves out too. We all know, and you've counseled people on this as well, that there are ways of getting your medical bills reduced or written off. YOU are important, YOU need attention right now- the rest has to take a back seat to that.

    You're a good daughter and you're doing all you can for your parents. Hold your head high Niki and rest assured that they know that. I imagine that their hearts swell with pride to see the beautiful, compassionate, intelligent and caring daughter that they have raised. For a parent, that is enough. Be there for them to hold their hands when it gets rough and tell them every day how much you love them. I know that, if you asked them, that is more than they could ever hope for.

    Love back at you Niki. I'm here in any way you need me to be.

  • I may just go and do something nice for myself....I hadn't even thought of that...lol. Maybe you and I could brainstorm on how to wind Ben up....watch out Ben you may be in trouble now....there are two of us that can come up with plans for you. Dang J , this could be fun.... :D
  • that means the world to me that you would do that for me and I may definitely take you up on that. It is always a wonderful thing to be able to talk to a fellow spiney who truly understands where you are coming from.....thank you so much sweetie... :)
  • I am honored that you would do that for me and what a wonderful sign that the eagles fly overhead while you pray...I too have Cherokee blood flowing in my veins so when I say that I am honored you can believe that I truly mean it. Thank you brother....
  • you are so right , they are very proud of me and that makes my heart swell. I will get through this , I know that I will and I will be there for my parents as much as I can....I wish more than anything that their suffering could stop. I would keep my problems in a heartbeat if it meant that theirs would go away. Thank you for your heartfelt reply , it is much appreciated.
  • I'm so sorry about your father, I will put him in my prayers ASAP!

    I don't know what's going on with your shoulders, but I do know that with my neck problems I have LOADS of shoulder problems, to the point that my PM thought I had a torn rotator cuff, which I didn't! If you'd like to PM me and tell me what's going on, maybe I can help out...I have shoulder problems everyday, to the point that closing my car door is painful and lifting milk hurts!

    I sincerely hope that things get better for you quickly, you have provided so much support to so many members, that I'm more than happy to send tons of positive thoughts your way and if you need ANYTHING, I'm happy to help! I hope things get better for you hon!
  • hey miki, we r all here 4 u,sometimes its so hard 2 ask 4 help when u have been the one who is always helping but we r ur friends here and want 2 help even ,if its only a word of support or a prayer.You have been here for so many and im a great believer in what goes around comes around and with the help u have have given to others surely good things should b coming u way soon
    take care
  • so much sweetie...I will take all the prayers that I can get for my Dad and my Mom. I will probably PM you with some questions in the near future. It is so awesome to know that I have such amazing people to turn to during this time in my life....thank you all so much.... :)
  • here is big hug for you from someone in exactly the same situation.Couple of months ago,when the infection in my spine was in its peak,I found out that my father has Leukemia.I feel helpless and useless.I've been out of work for 8 months,hope to be back in a month.During this months we've been living on my wife's income.But what actually scares me is that my parents live 6,000 miles away,and I'm still not able to fly this distance.Then the medication that Dad needs cost $4,000 a month.It needs to be approved by the Ministry of Health.He was told by his doctor that the chance for this is very slim b/c they prefer younger patient.My Dad will be 66 this Thu.
    I wish I had wise words for both of us.This is the first time in my life when I don't know what to do...So,like you, I cry.I cry typing this;I cry when I can't fall asleep;I cry when I think about him.If I don't cry,I'd explode!Sometimes I wonder which would be the better option... I really don't know how much more pain I can handle,physically and mentally
    As I said,have no wise words,but would always here for you!

    Big,big hugs,G.
  • you rock girl....thank you so much. Those words of support and prayer mean the world to me right now....they are what is getting me through. I have missed chatting with you and I need to get my butt back in there and catch up with the gang...just one of many things on my to do list. Thank you again for the post.... :)
  • am so sorry for what you are going through...if there is anything that I can do then just let me know. PM me and I will always answer....anytime for any reason....I will be there for you. I will be praying for you and your family and I truly hope that things will start to take a turn for the better. Hang in there and remember what I said , PM me anytime.....Miki
  • Hey Mikki,

    I'm sorry I've only just seen this post. You are right, it is so hard to reach out and ask for help when you are used to just being there for others - which is what you do all the time here. I don't know what to say to make you feel better because you literally have so much going on at once. But what I try to do when things all get on top of me is to take the issues one thing at a time and while I'm dealing with that one, I try to ignore the others. I know it's easier said than done. So all I can do for now is to send you a huge cyber hug (actually lots of them!) and hope that you're feeling better soon. Spicey
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