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Reasons I am alone (6 years), here are my thoughts.

I have been alone for 6 years now, I used to be so great with ladies! I was never alone. I had a life. That has been robbed from me due to chronic pain related to permanent back problems.

Here are some reasons why women likely won't go for me right now and maybe you too. My goal is to express my thoughts as to why I believe I am single, and to work on these! Hopefully some of you others out there can relate and tell me how you fought through.

1. Negative attitude... Yup I have this ten fold. It is hard to stay positive when you're in pain 24/7, don't sleep well, are tired all the time, and can't do much beyond sit or lay down. I feel completely useless and basically am useless. No one, and I mean no one, wants to be around a negative person, I don't even want to be around me, let alone be me. I don't see myself from someone else's shoes but I am certain I am negative all the time. I can't even catch myself in the act or stop it anymore. Negativity has become "normal me".

2. Lifestyle... Well mine is pretty dull, sit, lay down, TV, video games, not much going on here. When I go out, it is to the bar, what else can I do? I can't play sports like I used to. I used to meet all of the women I dated at sporting events, while I was running, or hiking, biking, kayaking, etc. I honestly have never met a women I dated while I was sitting at a bar which is about the only thing I can do now. I am still in shape, but I can't meet other in shape people because I can't play sports or play any reindeer games. I get invited, I play, I trash my back and that's the end of it for a few months for recovery time. Just once playing volleyball this summer has drove me far back into pain for the last 2 months!

I am working on this even still! I am fighting through my pain to do more. I may be going crazy and losing sleep in this process, maybe it is a losing battle, I soon shall find out.

3. Your intent... After being alone for 6 years I am certain I come off as needy, clingy, etc, probably overwhelmingly so! I think we all know as men, women need to have the feeling they are "chasing" you sort of speak. We need to be in to them but not come off as needy. Well that is pretty hard when you have been completely alone for 6 years, truthfully I am in need of someone to help take care of me, how can I overcome neediness?

4. Confidence... what confidence? Oh yeah, thats gone! What do I have to be confident about? I can't do anything, I can barely take care of myself. I can't even change brakes on my vehicle anymore alone, the tires are too heavy!!! So I can still change my oil, big whoop... I have my mind, again, wow, being a genius never got me anywhere before, it was my athleticism. Seems ladies like athletes, I can actually guarantee they do. Basic human instinct. We can not fight millions of years of evolution (if you believe this, I do).

5. Appearance... well, it seems I can still keep this at a level that is acceptable by most women, after all they do still approach me, although I still don't get out enough to make this work for me. Plus I think they instantly notice my negativity, and neediness... then walk off.

I am thinking these over and working on myself. I can't be alone any longer. It is do or die time. I hope that seeing these concerns or thoughts I have help someone else. We who are in pain have to work infinitely harder than other people to be "normal", that's all we can do is fight to fit in.



  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,427
    ...being alone is perfect time to do the work on ourselves before we are able to share life with another.
    I think we need to be ok within ourselves, and ok to be alone.

    And to realize, my identity is not in what kind of work I used to be able to do.
    It's not in how healthy and helpful I used to be.
    It's not in how easily I could date and attract the opposite sex.

    I for one needed to work on my depression, my negative attitude. That just permeates any relationship, after the 'honeymoon phase' and in my opinion not fair to the other person.

    There are so many adjustments in a ...lack of better wording...healthy couple ...that adjustments with one in such chronic pain
    can be exhausting and emotionally draining on the one who assumes the 'caregiver' role.

    Usually, in my opinion, it works best when relationship was developed on equal plane, before anyone had major 'issues'.
    Then someone becomes ill and you adjust together, with the foundation of equality and love for each other.

    Even so, with long term relationships an off balance occurs with chronic pain, many times the partner who by default entered caregiver role, can not endure the pressures, or that so much of their life is wrapped up into another's well being.
    They may think life has become unfair to them and they want out of relationship....and often times they leave.

    Sometimes, with our pain and accompanying issues, we do find companionship from someone who, although they don't understand the chronic pain issues, they are willing to accept it and do anything to help us.

    To me that is a red flag of partner's possible codependency., or such. And maybe their own desperation not to be alone .
    It is often easy to take advantage of that kind of relationship, but in my eyes it's not fair.
    With time, a martyr like attitude may develop, ....with the partner without pain.
    I experienced this and I didn't like it and I ended it.

    I found the old saying,.... the only thing worse than being miserable alone, is to be miserable with someone else...
    to be very true!

    It is not impossible to find companionship in our chronic pain state.
    But I think we need to come to a place where we accept ourselves as we are, or else, how could another?

    We need to have a healthy level of confidence in who we are now. To work through it when we perceive ourselves as lesser than others or lesser than we used to be.
    And we need to build confidence in being able to adjust to our limitations ...and find ways and or resources to assist us, so we can be as independent as possible. Even with different resources, we are not depending on only one person, only one source.

    Our lifestyle, not everyone is high energy. Many potential partners would be content with lower energy activities.

    Our appearance, always a consideration, chronic pain or not...human nature...but can be superficial.
    Honestly, someone's looks has never moved me into or stopped my wanting friendship with another.

    Please know, I understand the loneliness!
    But I'm not sure about your comment on how you "can't be alone any longer. It's do or die time."
    I'm not sure where that desperation is coming from.

    And that we need to fight to fit in.
    I see it more as, .....with who I am now, where do I fit in? I don't see the need to fight to fit in.
    I don't see the "fight to work harder than other people to be 'normal'".

    If we see someone who is very limited, mentally emotionally or physically, maybe even since birth, do we judge them as less worthy? Of course not! Everyone has worth and everyone has a purpose.

    If we can extend that understanding to others, why not be equally kind to ourselves?
    Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • That was well said Savage. I am going to have to read that over a couple of times. I do tend to feel like milimeme but I am not alone just alone with my own wistfulness of being the person that ai once was.
  • I guess this comes from me being a Male in my prime years or rather toward the end who hasn't been with a women in far too long. I used to never be alone. For 6 years I have been far from any human touch. I can't stand it anymore. Everyone I know is happy and has a great life. I sit alone, lay alone, etc. I can't take it. I can not live the sedentary lifestyle so I have been trying to do my best to get out.

    The last 2 nights in a row I have a total of 3 hours of sleep. 1 hour Tuesday night, 2 hours Wednesday night. This was all thanks to me riding a motorcycle for about 280 miles on Monday. At least I got out, but is it worth it? I don't know yet.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,832
    edited 08/06/2015 - 3:47 AM
    All I can say about your comment is WOW!

    It was so meaningful, so heart felt, true, sad, but also cheerful.
    You describe some negatives in life we can go through, but then you talked about how you can change those into very positive situations.
    You are a very strong, compassionate and positive person.

    I believe any one dealing with chronic pain, in a relationship or not, should read your comments...
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • itsautonomicitsautonomic LouisianaPosts: 1,800
    Millimeme, to me you have a lot of symptoms of a problem. The problem is chronic pain, you say it in first paragraph, and if you only treat the symptoms you will get some benefit , but long term you will fall back into things because your problem still exists. You have to work on both because treating symptoms does not heal anyone. It just temporarily makes things better.
    I think what savage said has a lot of merit , but goes against human nature, evolution and simple biology for a man in some of it. By our nature we judge ourselves on work and physical and being attractive to opposite sex. That is genetic and not easily fixed or even at all. And you judge life from why you know, you knew a totally different life for twenty something years and you can't expect to instantly change that. And I would also say yes we do judge those with mental / physically disabilities from birth . Have you ever heard someone say they wished they were in a wheelchair? Wishes they were mentally handicapped. We look at them with love and want in heart with help but secretly we say thank god I am not like that cause your heart breaks for the pain they must suffer.
    I am glad you have this list and it's a start, but according to you this all developed because of pain so don't put that behind those other things, maybe they are all you can work on now , but attack the source. When I saw a psych a long while back she said you have situational depression, which meant if the pain was gone you would not be depressed not have negativity. It's a long battle because in many things you are working against what you knew and accepted as normal and basic human nature. i am glad you are making the first steps and getting out to fight loneliness and I am rooting for you, just go into it knowing it's not an easy fix as it may seem in posts. Some of these people are giving advice based off things they learned through their own trial and error , failures and years and years of life .
    Do your due dilegence, trust you know your body and question everything if it does not fit. Advocate for yourself and you will be suprised what will be revealed trusting your body and instinct.
  • I can tell from your writing that you can be social via an online forum. I met my wife online. We chatted a lot over the Internet before we met, and I like to think she fell in love with my words before she fell in love with me.

    I think the Internet gets a bad rap as a meeting place because of the "nerdy" stigma that goes with it (that is fading somewhat). I'm not a very social person, so it was much easier for me to meet and talk to people through the Web. Sure, some people are liars and frauds, but there are genuine and lovely people at keyboards, as well.
  • 2 members from my family met from the Internet and both are happily married. That was a great idea for mili!
  • itsautonomicitsautonomic LouisianaPosts: 1,800
    I think so to !!! Good one BMAN
    Do your due dilegence, trust you know your body and question everything if it does not fit. Advocate for yourself and you will be suprised what will be revealed trusting your body and instinct.
  • I have been doing the online dating thing... I put a new picture up recently and have gotten quite a bit of attention. I already have a few dates. I just hope my back holds up for me to be able to go out. I really need to get the doctors to give me something again. Lyrica failed me as it caused severe bruising but it did work quite well. Much better than gabapentin (neurontin).
  • itsautonomicitsautonomic LouisianaPosts: 1,800
    Good for you man
    Do your due dilegence, trust you know your body and question everything if it does not fit. Advocate for yourself and you will be suprised what will be revealed trusting your body and instinct.
  • milimeme said:
    Lyrica failed me as it caused severe bruising but it did work quite well.
    Lyrica caused bruising? How did it do that?
  • Bruising and bleeding is considered a severe side effect of Lyrica, apparently it is a known side effect as it does appear on the rx lyrica side effect list.

    I don't know how or why it happened. I just developed bruises on my legs and arms, some were about the size of a tennis ball and looked like I had gotten punched hard! I in fact did nothing to injure my skin so somehow it was causing internal bleeding or broken blood vessels without physical damage.

    I am disappointed because so far this has been one of the most effective treatments for my pain. I would put it about equal with low strength opiates.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,832
    edited 08/13/2015 - 5:19 AM
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
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