I have two sons age 30 and 19 that kept me trying thru pain and misery the last 23 yrs of my life. They are grown now and its my grandkids that keep me going and want to keep trying. I thank God every night for them because I don't really know if I would care otherwise to put up with the life I don't have and suffering I endure. Now a couple of weeks ago my lower back popped or better yet felt like it ripped again. I have Dr app in 6weeks for X-ray but i know the answer, more surgery. It's been only 2and a half years since a 9 level fusion that had worked fairly well and now this. This will be surgery number 10 and it seems like it will never end. I feel like I let my family down by being like this. It's not fair to them to have to deal with me and not have a normal father. Now my g kids have to do without me and it makes me feel very low and useless. I don't need pity or even feel sorry for myself but its not fair to everyone else to have had to put up with me. Sometimes I know it would be better for me to be thru and everyone move on with their lives. Lord knows I'm ready for the misery to be over. I wonder if another surgery would even be worth having. I know my family loves me don't get me wrong but its not fair to them. It's just a cycle that keeps repeating and I'm so so tired of fighting it.