I don't have anything profound to say, I just need to rant/whine a bit.
I am tired of all of my relationships suffering because of my pain. Between my pain and my mentally ill daughter, I have lost every friend I had other than the people stuck with me at work. Both issues are really isolating, and I am seriously isolated at this point. But I've always had my wonderful wife. We just celebrated 20 years in August.
Then, last night, we were bickering a bit and in the middle of things she informs me that my pain drives her away, makes me unattractive and makes us "unequal" (with me being the inferior one). She's tired of being limited. Tired of me missing days at work. Tired of me not being able to do my 1/2 of the housework. Tired of me not being able to have sex without pain. Tired of having to leave events early. Just tired of me because of my pain.
What really gets to me is that she thinks I am inferior because of my pain. She came back to that multiple times during the discussion. After all these years together and 8+ years of pain, BAM out of the blue I am now inferior in her eyes. When other people act like that I chalk it up to ignorance, but she is not ignorant about what I go through. She knows better than my doctor. It hurts to know that she is looking down on me. And it hurts more to know that, from a certain point of view, she is correct. I can't grocery shop for 3 hours. I can't backpack like I used to. I can't play sports like i used to. I can't work 60hrs a week anymore. I can't consistently mow the lawn. So with all of these things I can't do, I really am "less" than her. But it seems so wrong to apply that physical inferiority to me as a whole.
I'm sure I am blowing this out a proportion, but it hurts and it scares me. I am so angry and so sad at the same time. Part of me can't help but wonder how long it will be before she sees me as so inferior and burdensome that she just moves on.