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I don't have anything profound to say, I just need to rant/whine a bit.

I am tired of all of my relationships suffering because of my pain. Between my pain and my mentally ill daughter, I have lost every friend I had other than the people stuck with me at work. Both issues are really isolating, and I am seriously isolated at this point. But I've always had my wonderful wife. We just celebrated 20 years in August.

Then, last night, we were bickering a bit and in the middle of things she informs me that my pain drives her away, makes me unattractive and makes us "unequal" (with me being the inferior one). She's tired of being limited. Tired of me missing days at work. Tired of me not being able to do my 1/2 of the housework. Tired of me not being able to have sex without pain. Tired of having to leave events early. Just tired of me because of my pain.

What really gets to me is that she thinks I am inferior because of my pain. She came back to that multiple times during the discussion. After all these years together and 8+ years of pain, BAM out of the blue I am now inferior in her eyes. When other people act like that I chalk it up to ignorance, but she is not ignorant about what I go through. She knows better than my doctor. It hurts to know that she is looking down on me. And it hurts more to know that, from a certain point of view, she is correct. I can't grocery shop for 3 hours. I can't backpack like I used to. I can't play sports like i used to. I can't work 60hrs a week anymore. I can't consistently mow the lawn. So with all of these things I can't do, I really am "less" than her. But it seems so wrong to apply that physical inferiority to me as a whole.

I'm sure I am blowing this out a proportion, but it hurts and it scares me. I am so angry and so sad at the same time. Part of me can't help but wonder how long it will be before she sees me as so inferior and burdensome that she just moves on.


  • you are different. I'm sure I'm many years older than you and all my issues with big pain didn't hit me until I was in my late 60's...my last bf was near that time. I could never be able to keep up with anyone at this point....so for me at this late date it's easier to accept. Good friends understand but I've had to withdraw a lot from many things.

    I hope you can find comfort and honor who you are. No one else can "get it". Hang in .. sorry you are having a hard time...
    Bodywide OA, Fibro and complications from Hip Replacement.
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,476
    ...suffered loss of relationships, many friends and some family. Fortunately, I do still have small group of support people who try to understand, even though I know they are not able to grasp the full extent of my situation.
    Actually, if I wasn't living it, not sure I'd grasp it entirely.

    Your wife may have been venting, and unfortunately, you were the subject of some of her frustrations.
    Things are perceived quite differently from the other side.
    If we were to have broken legs, there would be temporary "out of balance of chores", but with chronic issues, the imbalance of chores may go on indefinitely. That can be difficult on our loved ones.

    Not sure if you think it would help, but sometimes counseling can help the other person to realize....like..it is not your fault.
    And maybe better ways to communicate so there isn't sudden ....as you said, bam...attacks.

    And maybe some ways to relieve her of her frustrations. Maybe she is worried about finances, or her own strength weakening as the years roll on. I don't know. But if addressed, you both might find resources available to you that could lighten her load, as she perceives it.

    I dont know, maybe she needs more regular free time to, say, go to the movies or to dinner with her friends, where she wouldn't have to worry about leaving early.

    But please, do not feel inferior as a person. You are still worthy! and able to contribute to the relationship, just in different ways that she at that moment was not taking into account.
    Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • langoleyllangoley West VirginiaPosts: 1
    I am new here and this being my first post it sounds kind of pathetic,but I know exactly how you feel and more.I was first injured in 1989,I have never had any surgery on my back/neck yet,my first surgical consultation is Sept. 26.As of Aug.3,I am now alone.My "wife" of 13 years walked out with no notice,her only comment was she was tired of doing everything.I know for the past while I haven't been much help to her due to chronic pain and severe depression.The worst part she didn't understand is my absolute FEAR of what is to come from the consultation and possible surgery on possibly 14 discs from C-2 to L-5.I am 49 and the last time I was in the hospital I was 8!! I know I should be excited in the prospect of being pain free or there about for the first time in over 25 years,but I am still scared to death and alone.
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