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New here and my wife is upset

Catbird81CCatbird81 Posts: 1
edited 09/11/2015 - 6:00 AM in Lower Back Pain
Where to begin? Any suggestions with what to do? My wife is so unhappy and lonely because she does not have her husband (me). She has been unsatisfied and unhappy for a couple years ever since I had my spinal fusion. My fusion created problems and I have had to have a 2nd surgery 1 year later at the level above and now they are talking about a 3rd surgery at the next level because I am still in an immense amount of pain every day all day. She does not understand and is constantly upset with me because I forget things or I didn't do what she asked me to do. I am living in hell. We have a 1 year old and I try my best to take care of her but can only do so much, it hurts to bend over and I can't lift her, we try to arrange things the best we can so that I take care of the baby but my wife does most of it. I try to do what I can I cook and make sure she has her lunch for work everyday and I take care of the babies formula. But yesterday she came home I had dinner ready for everyone and coffee made, she brought the baby to her highchair and I said hi to everyone and went to get my medicine. I got yelled at because I didn't give my wife 15 min to put the baby down and get out of her work cloths. So it led to a big fight. She told me she wishes she never met me and that she thinks about divorce often. So I left for a about an hour. We do love each other so much but we just don't see where the other person is coming from. She is upset because we are not intimate anymore and thinks it's because of her weight gain from the pregnancy or that I have a girlfriend...I am not intimate because I am in PAIN 24/7, that's all I keep telling her...

Chronic pain can put a large amount of strain on any relationship. Manytimes, its harder for the person not in pain. There really isn't any simple answer. But one of the best options always is to have open communications. Both parties having the chance to express their fears, their hopes and more

-- Ron DiLauro, Spine-Health System Moderator 09/11/15 10:22

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  • Oh Catbird, sincere hugs to you. Sincere hugs to your wife and to your sweet infant. I'm so very sorry this is happening to you. I cannot imagine.

    Our surgeries, and spines sound so similar. I'm heading for third fusion, adjacent level.
    Our spouses and relationships are the exact opposite though, and I wish so much that It can change for you.

    I'm going to share something extremely difficult in the hope it might be helpful. I don't normally respond to such a heart wrenching post because it is a scary thing to try to comfort someone in such pain.

    When I was about to have my second fusion, my teenage son became a thug. We are not a thug family, we are the opposite. He rebelled as much as a person can from anything that made sense in our world. He could not hear us. We could not hear him. We were a phone call from sending him away to a military school. Okay. We actually had called the school, but got no where thank god in their auto answering system.

    When I say rebelled, we are talking attitude, grades in toilet, drugs, alcohol and hate of his world and self. We screamed at each other. We got absolutely no where but deeper into hell. This while I'm barely walking.

    People close to us had been through the ringer in their marriage years earlier. As time was passing thru this horrible time, they kept trying to tell us of a therapy that indeed helped their marriage and changed their lives. They implement it in every aspect. We were about to send our son away when we could finally hear them. So we turned to "nonviolent communication," a book by Last name author Marshall. Sorry I don't have it near me, but Google the title.

    The main thing we had to learn and this book helped was to hear the need of the other person without bias. Empathetic listening. Complete. And at the same time your partner, or in this case our son has to be willing to as well. We coupled this with family therapy. It was hard. The therapy was really for him at first and he had sessions we could barely get him to. He's a teenager, so you can't very well carry them in, even though we felt he was acting like a three year old.

    I'm gonna cut to the chase now, but know it took a year: what an incredible transformation, in Him and especially in my husband and myself. We were part of the problem and we had to deal with that. Our son had to deal with the fact he wasn't a thug and life had meaning. We coupled this with support for a new path. He found it. This was not in one conversation or without our friends modeling hearing needs and listening. This was not achieved without therapy and our willingness to change as well.

    I was able to change from being a very over protective mommy to a strong and caring mother. I did this all thru the fusion and recovery.
    My son is happy, healthy and shining. He has learned to cope. He has learned to love himself again and can easily give and receive love. I weep, weep when I think of the change. He is so incredible, one of my favorite humans I will ever meet..and not just because he is my son.

    You can do this too. I would highly recommend seeking help for you, for your spouse as soon as possible. However you choose will be a step away from your current predicament.

    Lastly, give yourself grace, love and forgiveness. Do the same for your wife. Wishing you peace.
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