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Men vs. Woman caring for us injured

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,671
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:19 AM in Depression and Coping
I see sooooooooooooooo many post on here where post surgery our hubby's or SO's turn into such a**holes after we get home whether it is ignoring us or helping,lifting a finger to clean the house make a meal etc. etc. etc.for the men on here have had surgery how do you wives or girlfriends treat you and or take care of you?

I'm getting tiredimage


  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,837
    Over the past 30+ years I have had one surgery or another, one flare up or another, one more doctor appointment or another.
    And to top that, I couldn't do this, couldnt' to dhat, etc
    So someone had to pick up the slack.
    My wife did it ALL. Without her support I would probably not be where I am today or even close to who I am.
    My wife made all the difference in the world in terms of the problems I had. She knew had to change problems into small little molehills that were easy to climb up.
    If I was on my own during the entire time with my spinal surgeries, I know I would be Nothing or nowhere to what I am today.
    My wife deserves all the credit
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • Even with my pain part of my role is to be supportive when possible and as a family we do have defined roles, and I don’t mean taking out the trash once a week, my view is that he does not have to do anything on the basis that you are doing it all, and this is a common problem. I worked in an all female environment and some of my colleagues complained that husbands were not pulling sufficient weight, they were very critical and am sure the would not repeat these comment in earshot, most of the husbands had professional employment and high expectations and busy lives put collective stress on everyone.

    My wife where necessary informs me what I should be doing and when, I am not incapable and in reality I could never do her role with adequate enthusiasm grace or commitment. I am with Dilauro here I am the person my wife made, she has nurtured and supported me without question and for this I will for ever be grateful, I have my roles and responsibilities and do all the cooking, and currently encouraging our three teenagers to give collective support, I keep those resounding no’s and use them when they want something and it seems to be working and its hormone central here. She has lived in the shadow of the consequences of my pain and the limitations placed upon us, the for worse element of our vows tested to its fullest capacity.

    Time allows some people to develop lazy tendencies and many relationships are tainted by similar problem, and no simple solution is easy. All the residual skills necessary for running an efficient home would make any CEO job look part-time and my wife has organisational skills beyond the concept, we are a team and partnership and help each other which is respectful.

    I wish you well. John

  • Hi Cherry,

    Sooner or latter its going to be Karma Baby!

    My Hubby had a farming accident in his teen years. His leg was ripped off and the surgeon put it back on. In the 18 years, and 12 married years I have known this man. He has had multiple surgeries on a yearly basis. He has vowed in his life Not to be Crippled.

    I have taken care of everything all the years we have been together. Plus help raise his son which he had full custody of since his Mom died when he was an infant.

    Now its My turn. I am facing Fushion surgery in Neck C-4 + C-5 and the past Months have been Hell. We fight a lot More, bills pile up, and not sure if we will make it? Seems like Hubby can Deal with his own Pain a lot better than he can Deal with my Pain. I have told him numerous times when its my Turn, the house is going to suffer and were going to STARVE. Granted it is probably my Own Fault for Spoiling him, and in the End we will both end up Paying for it.
    I told him and I am still thinking Post OP Recovery Might be better if I have another Family Memeber or Friend take care of Me? :?

  • My wife was fantastic during my surgeries and the recoveries thereof. I couldn't have got through my spine surgeries without her - she is my rock and was always there for me.

    So, last week she needed surgery on her hand - nothing major, but she cant use her hand for a couple of weeks. I am a busy guy at work (company director) but I took the day off work to take her in for day surgery and looked after her afterwards. I have been coming home from work early every day to cook dinner for the family, making the bed every morning, tidying the house and I even did the ironing today (shhh, don't tell the other guys) and will continue doing this until she is fully operational again. It's the least I can do after everything she has done for me!
    Keep positive!


    ...an old timer here and ex-moderator

  • It's all very interesting!!!!! but it seems to boil down to the fact that woman are just more motherly and always step up to the care-giver role, but guys don't get me wrong there are those few of you that rock it out and know how to treat us ladies with care and kindness!

  • I've been the house husband since my wife went to work 18 yrs ago. I get more time to home than she does so I cook dinners & pick up the house during the week & she does it on weekends. We work very good together. My wife has had at least 6 surgeries in our 33 yrs together & I have always been there to take care of her needs as well as the daily living duties. When it is my time for surgery she said she will take what ever time off is neccessary for my recovery.
    I think shes just looking forward to abuseing me. LOL
  • :) when my husband met me i was in a wheelchair and yet we fell in love with each other at first sight. that has been over 27 years ago and he is my life. he has never complained, yelled or been disrespectful in any way despite my pain. he cooks, shops, irons and runs the rest of the house. all this plus taking care of me. whether it is massaging my back or taking me to a doctor's appointment, he is always there for me with a beautiful smile on his face. oh i don't get me wrong he has his moments. i do what i can to feel useful and productive. we are closer than ever and perhaps that is the brightest spot in my life is being in a deep and loving relationship with my husband. i can never thank him enough for being the bright light that makes my life worth living. Jenny :)
  • Some people may chalk it up to us being newlyweds but I don't. I think being a newlywed you expect life to be perfect and wonderful for at least the first year. 5 months into our marriage I had to have back surgery because of a car accident I had almost 8 months before that. My husband helped get the house ready for the recovery...took off work for 2 weeks to sit by my side every day at the hospital and be home with me to help adjust the house that first week to suit my needs. I was scared the first time I had to be home alone so he offered to spend his measly 30 minute lunch to run home to check on me....of course I declined..it was time I handled some things myself. He does 90% of the cooking for now (and I'm almost 11 weeks out)..he won't let me touch the cleaning still...and he's so amazingly supportive. He is my rock..if I hadn't already been in love with him I would have been after all this. I just don't know what I would have done without him. He left last Thursday for a motorcycle rally he goes to every year in NC. He called on the second day and I was upset after I saw my most recent MRI results and he offered to drop his trip and come home...just to hold me..there was nothing else he could do. Those are the reasons I adore this man more then I ever thought was humanly possible. He comes home tonight and to say the least I CAN NOT WAIT to give him a big hug and welcome him home. Maybe he's so wonderful because he's not American...joking joking guys...don't get upset!!! But he is from Norway...maybe things are different in that culture.

  • My husband had been very supportive over the years through my many medical problems and surgeries. I think that he grows weary of that though. It has definately shown through lately. His caring attitude has become more callous. He has chosen work over being present at 2 recent medical procedures even though he swore he would never choose work over family. I've been making arrangements with friends and family because I don't know if I can rely on him being present physically or mentally.
  • You are one lucky lady!!!!!! that is so hard to find! treasure him with all your might! ;)
  • you are soooooooooooooooo lucky!!!! he is a gem!!!!! I hope and pray that lasts forever for you!!!!!! ;)
  • My husband is awesome. He may not see things the same way I do ( dirt under the kitchen table) but if I point it out and ask, he takes care of it right away. He does most of the house work when he is off. I do some light chores and the cooking now, but any big shopping he or one of my boys come along for muscle. The boys (19 & 17) also help out a lot. They understand how I feel and my limitations and don't complain, but I do get the occasional eye-roll.

    My husband is also very tolerant of my moodiness! (not me) Sometimes I snap about little things or get depressed. He is always very supportive.
  • With all the pain I have I get very moody and b----y. My husband has so much patience with me. If I whine he stops nd listens then goes back to what he was doing. He is always cooking up something to eat, do or go and always considers my pain level. He is starting to show a little resentful I feel because I can't keep up with him as much and say no more often to doing things. It gets depressing not to be able to keep up with him. I know he loves me. ;)
  • that sounds so good! I love that about the occasional "eye-roll" LOL
  • If your seeing any sort of "resentment" now try and nip it in the bud now! I missed that I think and the resentment turned into anger and hate! I wouold have to say no to doing things and the more I did the more he started to harbor bad feelings!!!!
  • Has been sooo good to me through this all. I couldnt find a better man then him. He does everything and is very supportive of me. I love him very much.

    Christina :)
  • I was with a previous boyfriend who was great with my medical issues in the beginning, and then got more and more resentful and less and less caring. It got to the point where he brought me home from an outpatient procedure one night and while I was still completely out of it and incapable because of anethstesia he went out with his friends without calling someone else to come take care of me. That was the last straw for me and I left.
    I'm now with my wonderful fiance, who cares for me without creating any guilt or stress. There is always some issues that being sick and in pain is going to bring to a relationship, and we have actually done some couples counseling just to make sure that those stressors don't become huge issues. The idea of him not taking care of me never really seems to cross his mind - as he puts it it's his 'job' and he doesn't want anyone else replacing him! :)
    I think it probably helps that he is a special education teacher like me, so probably has more tendencies toward being a caretaker naturally....
    There is something comforting about the person you love taking care of you...I was in the hospital a few weeks ago, and he would carry me into the bathroom each day and give me the most gentle and loving shower (way better than any rough sponge bath from a nurse who seems out to break your back somehow!)it was such a simple thing that brought me so much comfort. It's wonderful being loved when you're sick...
    I know it's hard to find people who will be there for you through anything, but you should expect nothing less than what you deserve...
    Much love and care-
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