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Reality has struck again, not sure how much I can take

Frustrated101FFrustrated101 Posts: 279
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:19 AM in Depression and Coping
Between insomnia, depression and pain it seems that all I have done to level myself over the last 8 years has gone out the window.I thought my coping or at least coming to terms with diabetes(13+ years ago) and bipolar 2(5 years ago) would help me through another chronic condition, yet here I sit lost again.

The pain has been in the 7's even with my medications and to add to it the 2nd anniversary of my Grandfather's passing is around the corner.I have already begun my usual ritual when things are out of my control- I disappear from real life, phones shut off, sitting in the dark listening to music, and the net my virtual escape.I lock up so tight emotionally not even tears escape anymore.The hurt is magnified this year, beyond the usual emotional, physical burnout.I just want to be at peace for a moment, it seems thats like asking for the lottery.

This site has been an invaluable resource and barometer of what's to come and the hope that if you are pro active ou may win some battles.

Thank you for the knowledge and place to release such as this around those who understand.


  • I think we've all been where you are at some point or another, and it's a dark, ugly place.

    Could you turn the anniversary of your grandfather's death into something more positive, i.e. work on a collage or something of pictures?? Maybe recalling some of the happy moments in the past will make "D-day" more bearable for you.

    Do you have any good friends you can call on? Please try not to hole yourself up alone in the house....the longer you stay there, the harder it is to come out of hibernation.

    Take care, and keep posting to let us know how you're doing, okay?


  • Thank you Tracy,

    I am gonna try a movie here in a few, a comedy for once.I have been through counseling and therapy, just need to remember to act that way instead of the old me.

    be around here again soon.
  • Sorry for the position your in. Ime not gonna tell ya to just go on,trying to be like there isnt a hole where a part of your heart is. I shut myself down too, and i know the comfort of the dark inside. just hang on to the best parts of you,and i hope you come out the other side a little lighter,know what i mean? i try to leave a little of the pain I hold tight to myself in the darkness, so i can come out a little lighter,a little stronger.
    I hope there is hope in your life, i hope there is some peace for you in your own heart, some times after a period in the dark i feel bad for letting my self have sunk down,but its ok too, life isnt all about the up's right?
    After i drag my battered soul from the abyss, i feel a little worse for having let myself down...For have trying to hold myself up to the world,while inside the foundation was sliding,
    Ime not trying to steal the thread,it may seem,but its not my intention,i only have what i have inside to offer,
    Doesnt matter who you are,I'de give you a long hug and tell ya its gonna be alright,and stay till it was.
    thats how i cope, i reach out..its all i can do, I try to give the love that i am missing ...to others, weird huh?
    its just my coping mechanism,helping me to keep from sinking deeper.
    I hope the best for ya,and there WILL be better days ahead!
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • i know the hurt you are feeling. i have lost my mom at age 7 and i only have 1 grandparent left and she is 82 (she and my grandpa which is gone too, raised me and my sister after my mom died AND my dad left) so in reality i lost both my parents at the same time. i even had a great grandma that i was really close to and she was 97 when she died and i was already a grown woman and it hit me just as hard to lose her as it did any of my other grandparents. when my mom's mom passed away at age 93 a few yrs back i went thru a strange time. because i was so close to her and really felt like as long as she was alive i still had a piece of my mom with me, it hit me so hard that i almost had a break down . i would have flash backs of the past with her and my mom too. and when my mom died i shut down and wouldnt speak at all for mths. so i know exactly the pain and the darkness that you are feeling and are going thru. i can say with total honesty that it never really leaves you but it decreases in severity with time. the other people that have posted are right about trying to hold on to the better memories you have and try not to seclude yourself too much for too long. its easy to hide within yourself but its just too easy, ya know? and it makes it real hard to come out of hiding if you stay there too long. i think its a good idea to keep writing here and try to talk to people in other ways also. dont keep your feelings all locked inside because it just eats you up. i hope you will come out of hiding soon. and if there is anything that i can do for you please feel free to leave me a message anytime! take care of yourself and i hope your heart feels better really soon. :)
  • This book really helps me to understand, embrace, and let go of the darkness that seems to envelope me from time to time. Perhaps it will help you as well...


    One Love,

  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,859
    Frustrated, you are going through something that probably everyone on this site has experienced to one extent or another.
    Just dealing with chronic pain is enough to create so many roller coaster rides that we need to be mentally tough to deal with them.
    Dealing with the loss of a loved one, even when its a year or more in the past still puts a heavy load on our hearts. I would think that anyone here who has lost a grandparent, parent and/or child will tell you that from time to time your emotions become so intense that the loss seems like it just happened yesterday!
    We all get through these days, it always helps to have the the help and support of another loved one. It can be more difficult to get past the 'low-dark' times by yourself.

    The member community at Spine-Health understands these situations and there are so many people here that are willing to help, offer advise, just be there to help you in whatever way we can.

    Please take care, the brighter light will be coming soon.
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com

  • I guess the timing of everything got the better hand on me, It was wonderful to see the responses.So sorry to all those who have lost loved ones as well.Yes, I have faith that lighter days will prevail which compared to the me of 5 years ago would have coped in unhealthy ways.

    again thanks for the caring.
  • Hi There, I just came across your posting and wanted to let you know I think you are doing a great job even just posting your feelings. You wrote so well and I could actually feel your pain.

    You know I get the same way, when I get too overwhelmed with trauma, drama from everything, I do turn the phones off, don't talk etc. I'm not sure if that's such a bad thing. I saw a therapist once and she told me it's called "creative selfishness". You are allowed to have down time to re-fuel if you will. If you can't help yourself, you certainly can't help anyone else. so please don't feel guilty if you have to shut down to refocus. Chronic pain and all of your other ailments are so draining.

    Please know that we do understand here, which is so refreshing from our "real" lives.

    If you ever need to talk please feel free to PM me ok?

    REmember "creative selfishness". Nurture your soul, take a nice bath, use some wonderful lotions and potions, listen to your music, whatever it takes to get you through another day.

    My prayers are with you and hope that you will be able to re-fuel your inner strength again.

    Please take care of yourself! Pebbles

  • Thank you Pebbles and Cherry!!!
  • My family is down to me, my daughter and my brother. Johnny doesn't seem to understand that family should talk, IM, text, email or phone each other. He should be coming through next Friday so maybe he will stop and tell us something about his wife and children. I don't know enough about my niece and nephews to even send a card to them. I try to keep him caught up on the health issues I inherited from our parents so he can say "Thank you" since he doesn't seem to have gotten many of them.
    My mother passed away on April 15 from congestive heart failure - guess what they think I have. My dad died from complications of cancer. Both of them GAVE me their arthritis issues - not Dad's metabolism, but his lousy joints. I sometimes go down to the cemetary and remind him that he could have given some of it to Johnny.
    Hang in there and I am a firm believer in creative selfishness. Many times I come in from work, lock the door and put on my PJ's. The cats seem to understand and just find someplace else to be for a little - then they come love me back to the world
    All our thoughts are with you.
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