I'm feeling so low and although I'm surrounded by family, feel so alone. I had a revision discectomy nearly 3 weeks ago and it hasn't left me in a good way. I've been told that both this and the previous discectomy failed. I've lived every day for 3 and a half years in pain. Now I can't walk properly due to foot drop & can barely move my foot in any direction or feel much of my leg. The sciatic pain is kind of being held at bay due to the amount of medication I am on, but the doctors want me to come off it. I've been left in pain so many times by doctors & whilst some tolerable level of pain is manageable, I don't want to live in agony again. At the moment, I've tried to reduce the dose I'm on, but when I miss a dose, the pain is too much to be able to get out of bed and exercise. My surgeon has ruled out fusion due to increasingly poorer outcomes from surgery and damage and severe inflammation to sciatic nerve. I've been told that little disc left & what is, is fragments which will continue to come out and irritate the nerve but my only option now is to live on pain relief.
I have another long term health condition which is causing further scarring to my sciatic nerve and is making my back problem worse. Treatment for one condition makes the other health problem worse and vice versa. I've decided to give up my job when ive recovered more because my boss does not understand my health problems & makes rude comments to me being a mess & keeps blaming my poor health for failures in our project so I'm now starting to look incompetent in front of colleagues. The job also involves sitting most of the time which causes me awful instability in my spine and horrendous pain - and this was before more of my disc being removed. I've never had children and before reherniating my disc, was trying with my fiancée - the longer I leave it, the worse my other problems are getting. I can't imagine now how I could ever become pregnant with back instability & pain, but the longer I leave it, the worse my back is inadvertently becoming due to this health problem getting worse (it's complicated!). So 3 months ago, I was working towards one life path and now my life has suddenly and completely changed and it's really upset me.
I'm completely lost and really only have my mum to talk to a bit. The more she knows, the more she worries and the more guilt I feel etc. My fiancee is too upset to talk or listen and has blocked off from me completely. Since this most recent surgery, I've cut myself off from nearly everyone. I've seen two very close friends & have explained a bit about the drop foot (because this is visible) but haven't said anything about prognosis for this, my back, other worries etc. I'm normally an emotional person, but I haven't been able to cry. I know I'm anxious because I can't stand to be alone, and I fall asleep every night to the TV so I don't have to lie in a dark room with my thoughts. Writing this now is the first time I've said (written) all of the concerns I have and admitted that this surgery hasn't gone well. I feel like I'm letting people down because I don't feel like the carefree person I used to be. I'm scared that my friends and colleagues will see me differently now I have a visible and very obvious limp or just not understand everything I'm going through/will go through and the pain I have. I'm so sorry to ramble, I'm lying here again watching hours of rubbish TV and thought just maybe, writing it all down would help me to sleep and less worried about everything.