Welcome, Friend!

It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!

Veritas-Health LLC has recently released patient forums to our Arthritis-Health web site.

Please visit http://www.arthritis-health.com/forum

There are several patient story videos on Spine-Health that talk about Arthritis. Search on Patient stories
Protect anonymity
We strongly suggest that members do not include their email addresses. Once that is published , your email address is available to anyone on the internet , including hackers.

All discussions and comments that contain an external URL will be automatically moved to the spam queue. No external URL pointing to a medical web site is permitted. Forum rules also indicate that you need prior moderator approval. If you are going to post an external URL, contact one of the moderators to get their approval.
Attention New Members
Your initial discussion or comment automatically is sent to a moderator's approval queue before it can be published.
There are no medical professionals on this forum side of the site. Therefore, no one is capable or permitted to provide any type of medical advice.
This includes any analysis, interpretation, or advice based on any diagnostic test

Not Letting my Pain define me

mrslytlemmrslytle Posts: 2
edited 12/06/2015 - 3:14 AM in Chronic Pain
My name is Hyatt, I am a 31 year old female who is trying her very hardest to balance herself in her daily battle with coping with chronic pain. Almost two years ago I was in a terrible car accident, when a car had pulled out onto the hwy in front of me (had not been looking) and braked, bumping me into an oncoming semi truck. I thankfully, suffered only 15 broken bones, and sustained several injuries, including the tragic loss of my child, which I was pregnant with, just over 3 months. I spent the majority of 2014 between a hospital bed and wheelchair, and began ambulating late 2014, however with extreme pain and several sites of arthritis. I am currently awaiting another surgery or two to hopefully relieve some of the tension and pressure on my right ankle joint, where all the cartilage has died, however, I am not able to walk without assistance and a boot, and without a great deal of significant pain.
Despite my injuries, I have been grateful for life, and I have always tried to maintain the "glass half full" mentality throughout my recovery. I was a very active person before my accident, I was always hiking, taking my dogs for runs, traveling, going for adventures in the forests and woods of my locale (I live in the beautiful Willamette Valley of Oregon), skydiving, taking impromptu weekend excursions; you name it. I had a very get up and go, extremely active and busy playlife. On the other hand, when it came to work, I was just as devotedly active. Since I was 14 yrs old, I had worked and gone to school full time about, worked multiple jobs at once, I was the poster-woman for burning the candles at both ends; if a candle could have a third and fourth end, I would have burnt through that as well. At the time of my accident, I was managing a Starbucks store in Salem, OR, (a recent promotion) which was a 35 mile commute from my home, and working on my second master's degree in Mental Health Counseling. I had always been a go-go-go-getter, and even with being pregnant, I was still maintaining an active lifestyle, but trying to slow down in areas that were necessary to be a healthy mother.
Then one morning on my way to work the accident happened.
My life changed.
Things slowed down to such a point for me, I had to put all that energy I had before my accident into my recovery, and I did. It became my focus, to recover to the best of my abilities. It is still in process and I imagine always will be. However, I guess what brings me here, is trying to find myself again, now that I am physically restrained. In my mind, I guess in the beginning of my recovery I just made a mindset that I would be back to normal some day, and refused to address any other reality. I worked hard as I could, and I have gotten where I am today, but that is no where near my "back to normal." Normal now, is pain, and managing that pain. I worked my butt off to get off all the pain medication I could, I guess I thought if I could get down off the pills, if I could feel more normal, less reliant on them, perhaps I could become more normal. There was a point where they had me on intravenous dialudid, 60 mg of oxycontin, 24 pills of oxycodone, and 3600 mg of gabapentin a day, then transitioned me to methadone. I worked hard to ween myself down, and in all honesty, I probably should be taking more than I am now, but I really, for me, believe the pills only do so much for my pain. The pain is always there no matter how many pills I take, unless I want to not have a functioning mind, so I decided to just manage with the pain, and take enough pills to take the edge off. Now, I am proud to say that I only take a 300 mg 24hr tramadol pill and 1- 5mg oxycodone at night. But I feel that at the least, my brain is close to what it used to be pre-accident, minus sometimes stress and pain can really play a number on it at times.
As cliche as it sounds, and the best way I try to explain it to the "non-painees" out there is, I live everyday for a 3. A 3 is my normal that I want to achieve, it is my baseline, and I have had bouts where I have been at a 3 consistently. However, even trying to explain that to my loved ones, it still makes me feel so set apart. They don't understand. I know this sounds a little deranged maybe, and maybe some of you can relate to similar experiences, but I remember once my husband was prescribed Percocet for tooth pain, and he took one and it made him woozy and dizzy all day and he couldn't leave his bed. I told him, imagine taking 24 of those a day-because I essentially did, I had taken 24 5mg oxycodone a day at one time in my recovery. I know it sounds a little mean of me, but it was one of the few times, that I felt he could actual maybe have a little understanding of part of what I go through.
It is so hard not to feel like a burden. I think it hit this last summer the hardest, we had gone up to the river with family for father's day, and we kept making stops and having to move because they were not accomodating for me. And the spot we finally went to, I could tell was not as satisfactory, even though everyone was saying it was fine, not a problem. I began to feel my disability. I used to be Hyatt, I could go down any side of a mountain to a river bank, no problem, now I had to be carried and assisted, and it had to be scouted to see if it would be difficult to help me up and down. That experience started to set off a chain of thoughts, and with experiencing my pain on top of it...it didn't send me to a good place.
So here I am, having another really down ebb...I have been in supremely terrible pain these past few days, and I cannot get out of the funk of feeling like a burden. I know logically, my loved ones do not want me to feel that way, but I cannot help to feel that way. No one knows how it feels to scream in pain from the other room, and no one addresses it anymore because it has become so routine, so everyday, so normal. Then it makes me feel like, that is all I am, pain. My pain can never worsen or get better...because I am always in it, always suffering. I hate that. How do you get passed feeling like that's how you are seen? Even by your loved ones...or do you really ever? Do we just learn to better accept it ? Thank you for letting me share today

Hyatt Lytle


  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 5,476
    Welcome to Spine-Health
    Please click on link for helpful information!
    Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • You fight!
    You make battle..no
    You take the battle to which is trying to drive you into the darkness..one backwards ..bitter step at a time.

    You have all the tools to fight this and are formidable!

    Fight for your light, your happiness, your right to ..BE!

    Every morning
    EVERY MORNING..Get up and say,

    I AM

    You have a right to be happy in any circumstance, and you find yourself in, any pain, any suffering, and situation..
    You Decide..Right Now...
    I Am...
    I Am
    A Fighter
    I Am
    A Free Person

    Yes, a free person
    Pain is a symptom
    Not a diagnosis
    Not a sentence
    Not the End
    Mearly, the Bodys means to an end.

    Choose Life
    Choose Joy in the rain
    Choose to smile in the pain
    Chose to win..choose the good fight
    Look inside and see something that will not, can not let go.
    There is Courage all wound up to the sticking place
    There is hope beside her
    There is love..
    There is love. Holding that line between light and darkness..

    Tuen your intellect
    Turn your will
    Turn your bad self on and fight
    As hard as you can

    As My friend John said
    Is inevitable
    Is Optional.

    Choose to step on the path of battle everyday
    To spur this "Nite Mare" foreward into the darkness
    To reach the dawn.
    Its..right there, right on the other side of this nite
    That is your battlecry
    Your will to live

    Happyness is relativistic
    Joy, is,inner peace within the storm

    Ine step
    On hour
    One day at a,time

    Create the center
    Create that which is leaking away

    Find your center
    Hold your hand up
    Rught now..
    I win.
    I am! I win!

    Never stop fighting
    When you get tired?
    Well be right here

    Never Give up
    NEVER give in.

    We'll see you on the Line

    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • PlumbTuckeredOutPlumbTuckeredOut Philadelphia, PAPosts: 325
    Wow! Inspirational story!
    I've had the flu the last few days and guess what? It's a blessing! People understand, "I have the flu!" They don't understand "chronic pain". And there are a few other perks to having the flu- people leave me ALONE! (I do live alone and am without family but I often feel driven to do something for somebody.) I posted on my facebook page, "I have the flu! Send Gummy Bears! I let a bunch of people give the typical advice about what to do and what not to do and I did what I needed to do.

    First day. I felt bad for myself and I cried. It wasn't about having the flu. I barely know if I have the flu considering how many pain meds I take! But there are always people trying to tell me how "lucky I am". Yes, I am but you know what? I'm definitely NOT winning any lucky fest! I have the need and the right to grieve all those things I want and don't get to have. (Again, because of chronic pain and not because of the flu- the flu just gave me the time I needed!)

    Second day, I slept and slept and slept. It's a necessity we all tend to deprive ourselves of. Again, having the flu gave me permission to feel guiltless about SLEEP! Oh, and I ate a pint of Ben and Jerrys! I can never remember if it's feed a cold, starve a fever or....... well you know. I was taking care of that part of me that I was always making be strong but sometimes needed to be weak.

    Third day, I started to collect myself and get ready to return to routine. People think that living on disability means everyday is off! No way! Down time allows for depression and anxiety. It's important that I find things that make me feel better about myself. I work with dogs and the humans they have to live with. I draw. I write. I watch some really lousy movies. I make sure my time is scheduled with a balance of things.

    Very gradually I'm letting myself accept what is changed and what will continue to change. Very few people get through this life without having to learn to accept some limitations. The lucky ones of us see those limitations and try to find a way around them. Some times we can do it with a little help for family and friends. And never forget, those family and friends need someone who can give them a purpose too! We all depend on each other.

    So, you may need to "catch the flu" or find another way to take a break. It's okay to get down as long as you never stay down. Let other people be in your life so they can learn compassion and empathy. More people need to learn and too few are good teachers.
    I hope this helps!

    Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by...... (Robert Frost)
    I still don't know if I should have taken the one that said, "Caution! Dead End" (Me)
Sign In or Register to comment.