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Pain stinks...i just don't know what to do

beachgirl69bbeachgirl69 Posts: 1
edited 01/04/2016 - 4:36 PM in Depression and Coping
I am 46 years old and have been in pain since New years eve 2003. I slipped and fell on ice on my left hip twice in the same spot. I tried PT, did xrays and EMG studies but they didn't show anything. The pain is insane, it got to the point where i was dragging my left leg, i would wake up crying in pain at night and even had ortho drs tell me it was all in my head. Then i got hit by a drunk driver in 2007 and now i have two bulging discs in my back and 3 in my neck. my hands go numb, tingle, feels like ice water running down my arms, my left leg is almost constantly on fire/tingling/pain. I get insanely painful headaches that make me go to the ER. My family was pretty supportive right after the accident but now my husband is so tired of hearing me say i am in pain and he makes comments when i take pain pills/muscle relaxers. i would give up taking any kind of pills if i could get rid of this stupid pain. I have severe arthritis in my spine, stenosis and growths on my spine affecting my spinal cord. i still get up everyday, went to work, do housework, take care of all of the animals/chores because my husband works too. My husband gets upset when I am not in the mood for fooling around, he thinks i should just ignore the pain and act like is doesnt exist when he is in the mood but i cant. i have tried so many different things and I try to take advantage of the times when i am not in extreme pain but he says that I only want to fool around when I am in the mood which isn't true...i just think we should take advantage of the times i dont hurt so bad. he says i just dont want him anymore, that i make up excuses to avoid him, he hates when i jump when he rubs my back or my leg but the nerves are so screwed up that it feels like he is running razors down my skin. I have had epidurals, cortisone shots, the drs want to do surgery but no guarantees it will help. Does anyone have any helpful suggestions? I try not to say when i am in pain (mainly because it is all the time) and i know everyone is tired of hearing it. i cant plan any events such as nights out, trips, get togethers with friends because i dont know how i will feel. i used to cry everyday on the way to work because the pain in my legs was extreme, i have tried so many medicines but nothing really works. Now i cry when no one is around and when i am awake in the middle of the night when the pain is too intense to sleep. Neurontin just made me feel drunk, Gabapentin helps with the pain but makes me severely depressed and cry all the time. I just dont know what to do anymore.


  • LizLiz Posts: 7,832
    Please take the time to read this post and refer to it when you have questions

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    Liz -Spine-health Moderator

    Liz, Spine-health Moderator

    Spinal stenosis since 1995
    Lumber decompression surgery S1 L5-L3[1996]
    Cervical stenosis, so far avoided surgery
  • Tears are cleansing sometimes
    What other avenue do you have when all othera have been used?
    The tears dont go on forever though.
    You find yourself one morning, decided...
    To be stronger
    To be fiercer
    To be bigger than the pain.

    Its not easy, but you will get there.

    You will get to live moment by moment and cherish the ones where there is less pain.
    Will have to understand.
    This is part if your life
    It is not your totality of life.

    This Spiney Martyrdom is a red one...
    You will lose people, time and space
    What results?
    A new person.

    You will make it through
    Its not easy
    Its not pretty
    But there will be life
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • Sheri76Sheri76 Michigan Posts: 497
    edited 01/04/2016 - 9:29 PM
    Fortunately or not, I've been single for more than a decade, so I haven't had to deal with disappointment coming or going in the relationship realm in regards to my fusion recovery since March.

    But...there were times when I was married and in physical pain, cervical, that prompted me to sleep in separate bed/room from husband, mainly out of concern for him, didn't want to keep waking him up, and if I was fortunate to fall asleep, I didn't want him to wake me up either. That may have lasted a month, and no, he didn't die from it. His attitude was pretty crappy about it though, and even stooped to playing the role of the victim in front of others (passive aggressive behavior).

    Your husband seems to be struggling with his ego also, kinda like he validates himself through his own performance....is there any other way you can stroke his ego at the times you're in too much pain, and maybe letting him see it as him always being the one to initiate fooling around?
  • Beachgirl, I completely understand. In fact, just written a similar post above re relationship problems and pain. I don't like to think that people can't learn to understand chronic pain, but I'm not sure how they could understand it either! People who haven't ever had pain for years, have no real appreciation for what it is like. I think back to my life before pain and I didn't understand it because I hadn't experienced it. Now I have, I realise how awful it can be.

    Like you, I frequently hide my pain and I'm not sure if it helps or not. If you talk about it everyday, people get sick of hearing about it. If you don't say anything, they think you must be out of pain or its not that bad so when say it is hurting, they think you're making it up. You really can't win. I've also done the 'secret' crying and I found it made me feel worse.

    After my first op and a year or so of struggling to navigate how to have a relationship with chronic pain, I read a book (could look it up if you like) which helped me to change how I was, rather than how my partner was. So when the pain was not so bad, I didn't talk about it. We set limits of how long we'd discuss it so it didn't take over our lives and I accepted with much difficulty, that the pain was my problem and I had to find a way of dealing with it. When it was really bad, I spent time on my own listening to music, breathing, writing etc and didn't always involve my partner (despite desperately just wanting a hug!) because he just couldn't cope with seeing me in so much pain. I think part of the problem is that whilst we feel the pain, they have to see us in the pain and it can be really difficult for people who love you to watch as you cry, curl up in a ball, pace the room etc. It can make people act in strange ways which we don't understand. I remember when my brother came over after my op and I was in agony, crying hysterically etc and he simply walked out of the room and watched a live comedy show in the other room with no explanation. He just couldn't cope with it and I think that may be why your partner doesn't like it when he hurts you or can seem passive etc.

    All of that said, I have absolutely no idea how you engage in conversation about the pain and get your partner to understand where you're at. Currently having issues with this too...
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