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I miss having control over my life

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,671
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:21 AM in Matters of the Heart
It's that simple...Since the car accident, I've lost job after job, I can't get the treatment I want or need because I have no medical insurance! I've had to move back in with my parents because I can't keep employment and since I'm partially disabled I don't qualify for Social Security. Since I'm single, I don't qualify for much of anything at all.

I miss having my own place to live, having a life, just so many things that come with independence! Being able to afford the meds that I need or having my own little nook where I can relax without my mom or whatever in my business! I love my mom and I know she loves me, and I am NOT perfect, but it is hard living with some one who tells you at least once a week how flawed you are and holds that mirror up to you...It's not good for my self-esteem to live with her, I know that, but I don't have a choice at the moment. And if I have the surgery, this is the only place I have to go since I won't be able to take care of myself at all!

This cycle is wearing me down and I don't want to annoy my friends too much although they help...And my sister is so self-involved I don't even bother to try and talk to her about anything at all...

I know I'll make it, I'm a strong kid, but I miss my independence! I've always been highly independent and maybe this is a way for me to learn how to depend upon others more, but I want some of it BACK! Sometimes I'm so ANGRY, I'm 32 and rather than being able to go out and meet and date, my pain keeps me inside...I'm afraid that no one will want a disabled person, or partially disabled person, that I'll never get married or be able to have children..And I'm tired of feeling so alone!! All of my friends are happily married or ensconced in relationships about to lead to marriage, so it's hard being the only single one if that makes sense. And I miss my ex so much, I think that was the first time I ever felt like I was perfect just the way I was, that my issues didn't matter like they had in other relationships and one of the first times I think I ever let myself really fall for a person...I think the timing may have sucked on both of our parts, and what's meant to be will happen, so who knows, but I still think about him everyday and pray for him...I'm a dummy aren't I?

Thanks for letting me vent, like I said, I'm just tired...At least I have the cruise to look forward to, I may actually be able to relax there and a blind date soon...


  • I completely understand what you are going thru, as I bet many other people here do. As I read your post, it was almost like reading how I felt about myself, except I'm older than you by a few years! :P
    I'm glad that you are able to use this board as a place to vent your frustrations. It's difficult to go thru what we do and not have anyone in our immediate life to share it with because they DON'T understand and frankly, sometimes they are part of the frustration.
    And don't worry, being married and having kids isn't all it's cracked up to be! I love my family, but sometimes I wish I had my space!
    You have every right to be angry. Try to use the anger to your benefit,you have to be your own advocate.
    Much love and understanding,
  • I am so sorry you are dealing with al this. I do not understand why things happen and If I had that answer...man oh man...everyone would just love me. I just wanted to say I am thinking of you and praying for you.

    Try and keep your head up and lean on us for support. Lord knows I do. God Bless!!
  • Hey Nancy,

    I completely understand every issue that you have brought up in your post. I often wonder how I'd manage if I had to live my Mum again and I know that it would really difficult for both of us. I'm lucky that I still have my own house so I don't have to rely on people in that way. But, living alone it's not easy keeping on top of things. Also is the added fact that if it wasn't for my Mum popping in, I wouldn't see another living being most weeks. It can be a very lonely existence when you are living alone and unable to work, and constantly in pain. So I guess it sucks which ever way round it is! Like you I'm single and given that I'm not going to get better without surgery, I'm terrified that I will never have children either - in fact, unless I can get out and meet people, I won't be able to have kids anyway cos that takes 2! :)) I also feel the same way, that nobody would be interested in taking me on with all my back problems. But the truth is we just don't know what is round the corner for any of us. Hang in there, you are gorgeous and kind and things will get better for you. Thinking of you always honey, Spicey >:D<
  • If you were closer! You're such a sweetie pie, I'm sending you love and prayers daily too...

    Thanks so much for your responses, they mean a lot, I hate not being in control...And right now I feel like I'm doing a tightwire act without a net! I WANT MY MONEY!!! ~X( (from the trial)...I just hope those jerks at the insurance company don't attempt to appeal to DELAY ME YET ANOTHER YEAR! Final hearing to award my general damages is August 13...PM Dr. visit on the 14th, cruise on the 24th and blind date some time over the next week!

    Sending love to all of you, we're some tough cookies I know, but some days I just feel 8} ...Thanks for listening, I appreciate it so much!
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,842
    Now, between Mary and Nancy.... One (Mary) living alone and having to deal with everything that goes along with being by yourself.
    And the other (Nancy) living back home having to deal with everything that goes along with living with your parents.
    Well you both know how much I think about you guys and I think you have been through a lot and still keep your heads above water. And you know , that your PapaRon will always try to keep you guys up and floating.
    I dont know what to say when it comes to the relationship parts of your lives. But I've always had this feeling and belief that good things come to good people. BUT, along the way there are so many tests, some that seem so unreasonable and you can never figure out. But its done, is it done to make you a stronger person? I dont know
    You both will meet the that special person that you will share the rest of your life with. It may come at a quick time, when you least expect it. That you both can not control
    But meanwhile, I just hope that medically things start to turn around for you. I told Mary earlier today, that I would have to get SS.Spicey (Ok, you had to have read Almost 8000 members in the old Spine-Health forums to understand) and steam across the ocean to England. Now it looks like after that trip, SS.Spicey will steam back to USA and down south to get Nancy. Why, just to get some laughter and fun for both of you.

    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • Our kinds of condition can cut across so many dimensions in life. Many of you have especially highlighted how this can specifically impact a lady's chances to meet a soul mate and have children. I can feel your pain, even if I am a man and married.

    But, I have a business colleague who had a 3 level lumbar fusion when she was much younger. She yet married and has two children. She even tells me that she had the fusions because doctors stated that it would be necessary to bear the children in the first place. Today, she is a successful recruiter for many Silicon Valley executives...and she is a proud mother, always carrying on in spite of her condition.

    God bless all of you ladies in this situation. Have heart, as there are good men in this world who will go at least halfway to where ever you might be. Never stop believing in yourselves.

    Cheers, Mate
  • Not just for me (apologies for hijacking your thread Nancy) but also on behalf of Nancy. I know that even when I'm surrounded by people I feel so lonely, and I'm sure that's how you feel Nancy, when at home. I love hearing stories of people who have had fusions and who have gone on to have children. It gives me hope that the one dream I've had all my life may still come true.

    Thanks Papa Ron for commandeering the SS Spicey to come and save us :)

    And Nancy, if you were closer you would welcome here anytime! We could help each other out so much. Take care sweetheart.
  • Are very beautiful girls, Inside and out and Im sure you'll both find that special someone in your lives.

    Best Wishes,
    Christina :)
  • And no worries hon, I'm not a bit worried about you hijacking my thread, we all need to vent! I'd be there in a heartbeat if you were around the corner, lol, watching silly movies or something...

    Papa Ron- you're the best! I don't think I can say much more than that!

    Mate- thanks so much...you've given me some encouragement, although admittedly, my brains are like scrambled eggs at the moment I need sleep!

    Which is part of why I'm not getting around to everyone and i'm sorry and I feel bad...I can't really sit right now and I'm so tired, I haven't slept a full night in over a week!

    Boy, we are some tough ones aren't we! Hugs to all of you!
  • I've heard that Ben is single.
  • My heart goes out to the two of you. It can't be fun to feel alone. I agree with the previous comment that you are both beautiful women, inside and out. Mr. Right will come along when you are least expecting him. Just be patient and try to enjoy your life as it is now. Hard to do when we live in pain all the time. I can't imagine living back at home with my mother. We would kill one another!

    Fancy, your pic looks so young for you to be 32. I would guess you about 19-20. You must have found the fountain of youth! Please tell, where is it??????? Cause I am starting to get the eye wrinkles and don't like it one bit. I'd much rather be 32 than 42.

    Fancy, when you receive your award from the trial, is it possible for you to find a small apartment on your own. Maybe get a roommate to help with expenses? Or would you be interested in going to college somewhere? Education is so important, and challenging your mind is good for you overall. My oldest daughter is living in an apartment with 3 other girls while going to college. They have a great time together and the fun they have helps them enjoy life even though they are poor college students. None of them has a lot of money for playing right now, but they find inexpensive things to do. I don't know if you would be interested in going to college, but you should check into it to see what your options are. There are different grants and scholarships that you could apply for. Additionally, you should check with vocational rehabilitation to see if they can help you get some training in something that would be a little more spine-friendly. Okay, I'm sounding like a mother...

    Spicey, you have always been so supportive to everyone and I know you have had a tough time of it. I can't imagine living alone, but you seem to be handling it just fine. Don't forget to invite a friend over once in a while so that you can keep those connections. It is easy to shut everyone out (I am guilty of this) when we don't feel good. Spending so much time alone can be depressing. Try to remember to take care of yourself.


    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
  • Lol, my fountain of youth is just plain genetics! My mom, grandmother and whole side of that family has ALWAYS looked way younger than they actually are! I'd give you some, but I'm not good at splicing genes...

    I'm trying to be patient with the Mr. Right thing, as one of my favorite people, Ms Spicey can probably attest to, being alone can be really tiresome...I hope that came out right, I wasn't trying to insult Mary at all, I know what her situation feels like as well and was fortunate enough to have neighbors move in next door who became my best friends after all my other friends had abandoned me...I don't think the pain is help my patience either lol!

    I plan on moving out once my money comes in...I have my BA and was 9 hours shy of my masters when I had to move home because of financial reasons...Then WHAM-O, rear-ended after being home about 6 months...You can now see where the last 4 years have gone, I was trying to get the money together to move back to Texas and finish my masters...I want to get my doctorate and teach at a University, that's where I want to be. My mom calls me her little intellectual snob! :))

    I think that's part of why it's so frustrating for me...I've been doing clerical work, nothing against it, but it doesn't challenge me at all...I'm perpetually bored at work! And I had scored in the 99th percentile on the CAT (California Achievement Test) when I was younger, Duke University paid for me to take the ACT in 7th grade, I got high scores on my ACTs (35 in reading, lol), got good grades without having to study (my friends hated me in high school and college...not really, but you know what I mean! I was accepted by every college or university I applied to, recruited by ones I never even applied to or expressed interest in...I won a scholarship to the University (which is why I went there, I had partials to others but my parents saved no money for my education), made Dean's List, went to grad school and won an assistantship, and never got below a B+ on anything I turned in...I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, you know?

    Sorry, didn't mean to turn that into a super long brag about how smart I am thing! But I am hoping to back to grad school after I get my money to finish my masters and from there maybe go on to my doctorate!

    Thanks for the support Cindy, you don't know how much it means...Hugs to everyone, I hope you're having good pain days!

  • No wonder you are frustrated with the jobs you have been doing. You sound like someone "overqualified" for a clerical job! I suppose the "get an education" speech didn't do any good, huh? That would be cool if you could finish your masters. I always wished I had done that.
    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
  • Just means that you care! And care and support are what we're here for...I appreciate it though, I can't help it if I'm a genius! =))

    That's was a big joke!
  • I need to be challenged all the time to keep my brain active. I studied part time to get my degree and I would love to go back and do a masters. I'm from a science background and I feel happiest in a lab! So yes, I'm a closet geek :D

    Thanks Cindy for your kind words of encouragement. I'm not currently looking for a man, I've had enough of them for now! It totally sucks being alone all the time but I'd rather be by myself than have someone in my life who is going to treat me badly and not be there for me. So I'm focused on getting me better for now. With the help of my amazing Mum of course!
  • Hope things get better for u soon,
    God blessed me with a wife and 2 kids,i thought life coulddnt be better than i injured myself,in a few months every thing changed.I had to sell my buisness.I no longer made six figures a year,i was basically w/o a job and no one wanted to hire me.Thats when things really begin going downhill.The days turned into 2 years,wife of 12 years left,most of my freinds left too.so i thought it couldnt get worse but once again it did.One yr ago at 34 i had to move back with my parents,it isnt easy i know.Finnaly the positive i received custudy of one of my children who lives with me.I hope u realize that God never gives us more than we can handle,and im sure that your life will head into the positive very soon.Keep faith and remember theres always someone less fortunate than u are
  • I want to say that I do feel for both of you. I know what it is like to have a parent id all finding fault with everyting. My Mom that thinks I just about as low as you can get. My mom used to apologize to my first husband for not being the wife I should be. I think she should have been his mother. Don't think that just because someone is married they are happy. Sometimes you can feel more alone in a marriage than when you are single. I too am alone, but I am older, and my children are grown. I know that this may sound like i am preaching but, try to find out what you can learn through this. After my huband passed away (4 yrs). I thought surely my world had ended. I was so depressed, then my job moved and I had to take another position with my company that I hated I could go on and on about what happend after Jimmy died, but my point is that somewhere during all of this is that instead of asking why me and when will all of this end, I started asking what I am supposed to learn from all of this? It changed not only my prepective but also my attitude. I know that my life will be a new normal. The old normal is gone. I don't know what is ahead, I hate my job, I am alone. I have gained 50 lbs and I am in pain most of the time. Sounds bad, but I don't see it that way. I have a chance to re-invent my life. This is a new challange. I hate the weight gain but I have a chance to find different ways to lose it. I can't run, or walk very far yet but there are other ways. I know that this happened to make me let go of my childern and let them find there own way and not be so convient for them to fall back on. I have to take care of myself ( between my two marriages starting at 16 I was married for 30 yrs) I have never had only myself to take care of, and now is the time to do that and whatever else I want. I hope you both find peace and challanges, that is what makes life worth living. >:D< >:D< >:D<
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