first I want to say hi! this is my first post and I'm not sure if it in the right location
and it's going to be a rather long post...
okay so a little background on what happened first:
I'm 21 y/o male and 2 years ago or so I was involved in an accident while backpacking down the west coast, I was walking next to a train and (no reason to lie I know it's my fault I'm more than aware) I tried to attempt to train hop... I didn't put into account that I had a 50LB backpack on as well, so I ran with the train jumped for a bar and grabbed it and swung inwards (still hanging on) so I swung between two of the freight cars and my hands slipped and I basically got run over and owned by a train luckily my body didn't go into the actual track rails or I wouldn't be here today (I am incredibly lucky) but in result the top of my humerus bone was kind of ripped off (I can't lift my left arm till I have the piece of bone sticking up shaved down) and I also injured my back. my back is the one that's been making me suffer over the past 2 years, I got multiple compound fractures in my lower L2 L3 L4 parts of my lumbar spine and my spine is like straight where it should be curved... yeah so basically I have chronic pain everyday of my life etc.. I'm sure members of this board know the rest of that story. I'm a full time student/I want a job soon
so what spurred my joining of this board and this post was I stumbled across this post http://www.spine-health.com/forum/chronic-pain/letter-normals-a-person-chronic-pain and to my surprise by the end of reading it I was in tears because that letter put how I've been feeling into the words that I've been unable to articulate up to this point... also a facebook post that I made and just vented on
these are the copy and pasted facebook posts:
I'm sorry I didn't die two years ago, what a bummer. now I'm such a burden with chronic pain day in and day out. next time I'll try my hardest to not fail and get killed like I should have the first time.
Come on man, don't say that....
go take a bong rip
well with the way my doctor and mom are treating me I might as well have...
be positive my friend God had a reason to keep u alive
dude, straight up you're strong. Those little things that get you down won't last forever, don't let anyone or anything get to you.
shit's just depressing
I know man. Sometimes you just don't want to here it. If people wanna make a fuss let them, they'll be giving themselves a headache, and it's not your fault. Bong bong hit. Enjoy the things that make you happy
god has plans for all of us, & you didn't die yet for a reason. I feel like the chronic pain, is there to remind you to appreciate yourself & what you have even more. i understand it was a huge impact to you, but see it as an opportunity. a second chance, to make things better. obviously we strived through the worst of the worst, but not to go back latto. yes, there are tough times, but you just have to find a detour and make it through, things can't always be perfect as we want them to, and turn out how we want, but i learned that there's alternatives, that aren't as good, but in a way, just as good. you just have to figure it out, somethings better than nothing right? it could always be worst. you told me when i was down, that i just had to find myself and find something that makes me happy, i feel like you should do the same. ♥
that's not exactly what I'm upset about, and I'm not suggesting that I'm going to commit suicide or anything. it's the people don't understand my chronic pain and why it's not going away if ever. there's no way to treat my pain except strong pain killers and when my doctor is being a bitch about prescribing them because of bs reasons I find it extremely disrespectful. people don't understand I don't know what it's like to be a 21 y/o male without EDITED pain everyday of my life, I can't do so much of the things I used to enjoy without worrying about the pain consequences later on. I have to map my day out depending on my pain. it's aggravating and depressing when people don't understand or are ignorant and think they can even begin to understand the pain I've been through/ am in right now. I can't play the sport I loved for 14 years of my life anymore... after 15 minutes I'm in agonizing pain and the doctor won't give me my pain meds because of the "side effects" they can cause... well here I am now taking up to 6000mg of tylenol a day and 15 advils a day... they do nothing and I'm absolutely rotting my liver. I can't stand this shit it's bearing on me, I don't like to show my pain infront of people so they don't know how much it's ruining me. and it's not going to get better I realize that, so if I have to keep dealing with this bs from people and there is no alternative to "fixing" me so I can lead a normal life again... then honestly I might as well have died on those tracks that day. I'll never be normal again I can't help but to be depressed over it now and then. but still thank you friend E
I'm not asking for sympathy or anything but because of recent events... well it's been along time since I've got emotional as much as I have tonight over my back/shoulder, I can't just put life on pause forever because of my injury's... it's just frustrating and there's nothing I can do. being helpless is an uneasy feeling...
you do your best latto, & sometimes that's all that matters. it doesn't matter what your mom or doctor says, just ignore them, and do you. do what YOU want to do, what YOU're able to do. :/
me wanting to do and being able to do are on different sides of the world. and with no pain treatment they are on different planets. what my doctor says and does have a big impact on me... they say I have to do something to fix myself, I'vebeen to two physical therapy places and completed them, I do yoga, I do light exercising... what else is there? and why can't they give me a clear answer yet she holds my pain meds from me. one day I want a job... whatever continuing to think about it is just making me more depressed then I need be over this whole thing. of course my doctor/mom get to wake up tomorrow and go through the rest of the year without this pain but I gotta do it everyday so no use getting sad over something that's never going to change. goodnight and thanks friend E :]
hey Latto. Sorry to hear about this... With my two car accidents and my job working with people who are in chronic pain I have some very slight understanding of what you are going through. I have had a lot of success going to Jaime Gardner, who does a certain type of massage called Structural Integration. I also wonder if you might try going to a chiropractor? I know that is all very expensive, but might help. Might at least make you feel better for a little while even if it doesn't fix the pain forever.
yeah, I plan on trying a chiropractor soon because my mom keeps suggesting it, though I don't think it will help too much, I hope it does. but with my injury I don't see how they could do much more than my last physical therapy treatment where she worked on correcting my spine (and when she did I was put in terrible pain throughout the next few days) because it's (my spine) straight now where it should be curved. and nothing but an extreme surgery can fix the mutations that have been caused by all the tiny little cracks in the lower lumbar sections of my spine. what else is there for these "alternatives" they want me to do for pain? I'm even down to get a cortisone shot (I am absolutely scared shitless about that shot though) so after that.. what? acupuncture? eastern voodoo remedies? just tired of dealing with the "just deal with it" type people... I'm not the type of person to speak of my emotions/feelings out loud with people in general, so I'm also not one to bitch and moan all day about pain, I don't show it whatsoever most of the time. I hate to say that the constant pain is my norm now/ I'm used to it but I am. so just because I don't show pain in my face or voice it doesn't mean I'm not feeling it. What it comes down to is age discrimination, since I'm a 21 year old male (not going to bring race into this..) and I'm asking for powerful painkillers then it's assumed by people that I must be getting high off of them or selling them or whatever goes through peoples mind. I've dealt with enough in the past 2 years in silence aside from the pain... but I just don't want to be forced to feel pain everyday when it could be helped to an extent... if only the world worked in such naive thinking to assume there's a "cure" for everything. so again her reason for not prescribing pain meds is the "side effects" that they cause, she always brings up testosterone as the major issue that will decrease over prolonged use of pain killers. so now I drown the pain in alcohol, I swallow over the counter pain meds like they're candy such as Tylenol (acetaminophen) at very high doses 6000+ mg on a bad day.. that drug kills 450+ people a year by liver failure.. and atop of drinking alcohol? *of course I don't combine them* and marijuana (which is not practical for everyday use, I have shit to accomplish or want to accomplish in life and marijuana makes me so unmotivated). so I want her to explain to me what is more unhealthy? sigh I'm ranting via venting right now so I'm going to stop. I'll try the chiropractor soon... whatever
also, initially when I made the facebook post I was more of mocking and making fun of the situation but it turned serious.
so how do I go about dealing with my doctor? I need my pain meds to function in daily life... it sucks and I don't want to be on them, but I can barely sit in class the entire time (I struggle and just in pain the whole time) I'd rather not bring my books in my backpack but I'm required to and lockers are full.. etc shit sucks
my DR's whole thing is she's "weaning" me off the pain meds.. so I did stop them at the beginning of the year (I've been on oxycodone) so I was off of pain killers for 3-4 months and I just can't do it anymore, can't pretend that I'm not in pain or whatever they want me to do...
sorry for such a long post
Post Edited by Administrator Dave