Hi my friends,
I had a terrible day and I hesitate to tell you because maybe I'm just whimping out so to speak. I had the surgery on December 14, 2010 and ever since then alot has changed. I've gained about 16 pounds. My dace and scalp have like psoriasis, dry skin, redness, flaking skin. I am either in pain or sleepy from the pain meds, can't find a balance. My lower back, hip and both legs have significant pain, and that's worse considering i had very little right leg pain before. And now two fingers in my left hand are in chronic pain. I have gone backwards instead of forward. I was over weight to start with, and now 16 pounds more is just causing more issues, and I haven't been eating cheetos and drinking pop either.
I don't see any good times ahead, and the pain meds which I know I need to reduce my pain have a number of side effects that make things worse and make me useless.
Today I got so worked up I felt like ending the nightmare and then I thought I need to go to the psychiatric ward at the VA and just stay there. I don't know which option bothers me more. I am sorry for talking this way and letting all of you down. I also think my doctor wants to start cutting back the pain medications and while I know that should be good for me, I am terrified of that idea because of all the pain issues now. I don't just feel useless , I am useless, i can barely do anything like chores at home, much less anything I really might enjoy.
I have actually forgotten what it feels like to enjoy something in my life, it all seems lost to me. I am trying to reach out and find what I need, but I also feel like I can barely type this between the pain, tiredness, and loss of interest in anything.
I do have PTSD, anxiety, and major depression which I'm sure is feeding this. I hope you all don't think too badly of me, this isn't how I choose to feel, it's just how I feel. I just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel any more.