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The more you peel it back the more it stinks.
I'm not coping well.
Inside, I'm boiling. With pain...neuropathic disturbances I would challenge a taser against it makes me weak in the knees.
My GP is expecting her 2nd kid. She's leaving. She doesn't care if I cry when I have seen her. I had only what I'll call a nervous breakdown in October when I wasn't sleeping. I cried every day. (This is now, sadly, how I measure life quality). But above that my gait was wonky. She called it a flare. I went to emerge three times, 2 neurologists, 2 EMGs and 2 MRIs then a 4 day wait in emerge for the surgery. It was another level of my spine I know what a flare is. I had such little sleep or support.
Sleep is key. I get more now. Zopiclone. 7.5mg.
The pain is less than before surgery. My husband asked and I said it was better. People don't want to talk about it. It makes me more comfortable not saying, but it drives a wedge because I'm not my honest self. I'm in actual agony. If I didn't have children I'd die kind of pain. Just one level below writhing. Since the surgery let's say it's been easier for him to sleep in the yard for all I care it's awful. Before surgery he and I fought constantly. He pushed me about disability. He said I was nuts and may hurt the children...dont hurt the children.... I'm lucky I could stand.
I'd just spent the doctor's visit with him. Me writhing in sobbing hysteria. Those 2 looking at me like I'm a sideshow to the carnival. I do know I am losing my mind so I need someone to help.
I was a full time working mother of 2 who'd come home and garden on evenings and weekends. I love the gym and the outdoors. I used to love my husband too. I can't remember when I loved him. I can't remember a day without pain. It's like I'm disconnected from life by pain.
To be honest, avoidance is my go to right now. I need a big smack of therapy but even typing this it's hard to find real courage in finding my true self. I'm simply not believed or I'm judged. I think those 2 things are the same....I don't have the strength to fight people who can't see me.
I only see my kids. I know they need a warrior. They know. They see it all. They have compassion. I don't think my husband was allowed to have feelings, especially negative ones. Idk. I'm just bone weary. What do I know I just have a broken back and limp. I spend alot of.time on that and not with him. We didn't have much to go on before my injury.Raising kids and working full time sucked the fun out of life for me. I've been permanently exhausted since 2006. I consider every day I'm breathing to be a gift but a tired one.