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AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,578
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:24 AM in New Member Introductions
hello all,
Glad to have found this site. Nothing like chronic pain to keep one in a constant state of loneliness.

I've had chronic pain in my left sacral area (sacriilitis, scoliosis, pinched nerves, whatever....). Sadly, I'm one of those "vague" conditions that physicians have a difficult time diagnosising. First, I went the gyn route, and my doctor swore that my "enlarged" uterus was causing pain by pressing on a nerve--I had left frontal pain at this time as well--, so I broke my own heart by having a hysterectomy even though I had just undergone fertility treatments, and NOTHING. Next year, another gyn did a surgery for adhesions, and I awoke with no ovaries. There was a TINY spot of endometriosis that she thought was causing pain so severe that I turned down a trip to Paris, two trips to Bahamas, and could usually not even bear to sit through a movie.

I lost my husband, as well.

At that time 2001, I was still doing a lot of yoga. I don't think the pain is all in my head, but I do realize now that stress, depression, and anxiety make the pain worse. So divorce, moving 10 times due to financial issues, loss of employment, etc., didn't help. Gyn tossed me over to a pain mgt. doctor.

At first, the meds worked. They also seemed to deaden the emotional pain of being discarded like a broken toy because my body was, well, broken. (That's what my ex-husband used to say: "I broke you, so I am going to fix you." I guess he gave up. I don't know if his action is completely responsible, but he did throw me across the room once and I landed hard on the area that now causes severe pain, so the abuse might have aggravated the condition.) I know many think it's good to be rid of an abusive husband, but when one is dependent and in pain, it's hard.

Anyway, I kept up the yoga by using pain meds prior to doing yoga. Not very yoga but I couldn't do it otherwise.

To make this intro less long, I'll skip a few years. My med dosage increased due to tolerance. Now, of course, I do not get the relief that I used to. In fact, I find that pain medications--and I've tried everything from opioids to anti-depressants, anti-seizure, etc.--don't really work for long term.

What the pain meds (whether ADs or Opiates) DID DO was make the pain just tolerable enough so I would be able to EXIST, but not live. I have no life, unless you call playing video games living. My first "relationship" in 7 years ended due to my limitations. I have no money, nothing to give any man--or woman---but my heart, and that doesn't seem like enough these days....

It's been ELEVEN YEARS! I am now calling neurosurgeons and hospitals and everyone else I can think of as I've given myself ONE YEAR to either GET FIXED or GIVE UP.

If ANYONE knows of ANY type of Laser Surgery or TREATMENT for NERVE PAIN in the sacral/hip area, please PM me. I've tried every holistic therapy there is, and while some of them -- particularly acupuncture with a good doc -- helped as much or more than pain meds, I still had no quality of life. Just lying down in bed, stretching, lying down, waiting for sleep and repeat.

Cancer patients often seek an end to their lives when they cannot function. I am only getting worse and I cannot suffer anymore. I want to keep my dignity. So I'm giving myself a year. (Of course, if I find some hope and treatment, I will begin course and try, but if things go as they are, I cannot.) I can't even find a pain mgt. doctor anymore. My file is too complicated or the meds are too high (80 mg. oxycontin a day, blah, blah, blah....

I don't really care. It's a wake-up call. I Do NOT have a life. The meds, as I mentioned above, were just making the pain tolerable enough so that I would not go crazy.

Maybe it's because I'm 48. THe best years of my life have floated by in loneliness and pain.

I want someone to fix me. If not, I don't want to be a burden to my parents at my age. And I am frankly miserable. The pain is getting unbearable, the meds make me feel like a criminal, and having doctors turn me away is humiliating.

I'm so lonely because I cannot even sit through dinner with a friend, let alone drive anywhere. I'm sorry for venting. Not a great way to introduce myself.

But I am HOPING that I WILL get some help and I know that there must be others out there that feel somewhat like me. I can't be that alone.

I used to be a really cool chick. People tell me I'm beautiful. I still remember one woman saying "You're too beautiful to be in so much pain..." That sort of irked me. What's attractiveness have to do with pain? I used to paint, write (have 3 unfinished novels and one screenplay that I cannot finish because it's too hard to concentrate due to pain), I used to LOVE nature, I had wonderful spiritual experiences and meditated often. I taught yoga. I went to drumming circles and wanted to become a nun (no, nunneries are not hospitals and chronic pain made it impossible to become a nun). I have a Master's Degree in English, I wrote computer games at one time, I travelled around, I had a best friend who was a Playboy Playmate and I even went to one of Hugh Hefner's parties... I had a rich life up to age 38.

I guess it's time to retreat to my memories as my future looks bleak. In the past 7 years, I've done nothing, except cancel on friends because of pain.

How do I deal with this? I don't want to live like this anymore. I either want to FUNCTION or put myself to sleep. I'd put my cat to sleep if she were in 1/4 of the pain I'm in. (I think my Mom even is recognizing that I am going to take my own life if I don't find a cure for my pain and I truly believe that she understands why.)

I've tried to be KIND my whole life. Now I'm angry at God. I feel like Job.

I pray a lot. I'm rambling, I know. I'm crying, too. I really do NOT want to die. I WANT to live! But I am neither LIVING or DEAD right now due to constant pain.

I hope I find a doctor that will help me. I keep getting turned away or doctors shrug and say they're sorry, "wish I could help." It's NOT ENOUGH.

At the very least, I just want to be out of pain enough so I can focus on writing. Before I die I want to finish three projects. I'm a novelist (only published short stories and articles so far)and I have 3 novels and one screenplay, each needs about 3 months of work to be ready to submit. I want to leave something behind.

I feel so USELESS. And, yes, I know I'm pitiful. I don't know how to get out. My psych told me that the anti-depressants don't work because my depression is circumstantial, due to my physical pain, and not chemical. So what do I DO????

Oh well. I just wanted to say "hi" and look at this.... #:S


  • welcome to spine-health....
  • I am sitting here crying for you. I am so sorry that you have had such misery and emotional as well as physical pain. There is a doc that can help you, I am positive of this. You can not give up! Have you been considered for a rhizotomy (nerve burn) yet? Do you take nerve pain meds? I know that you say that you take opiates but they will not work for nerve pain. I am really heart broken just reading your story and I will write more when I can pull myself together. You will never be alone again since you found us. We do understand you and are really good at supporting each other.
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  • a gynecologist and pain management. Have you ever seen a spine specialist? I am still thinking and I will not give up on you! Promise.
  • :) hi and welcome to the forum! :H we are here to offer you support and answer what question we can. it is hard to put away old memories i know. it is possible to develop a life even with pain. :? you seem to be struggling so and perhaps it is that struggle that is hurting you. have you tried acceptance? >:D< it is so hard to think it will make a difference but accepting our pain as is and realizing it may not go away is a first step to setting up a lifestyle. even if that means living around the bed which is what i do and what you speak of. i can never be far from being able to lay down i get pain so bad from standing and sitting. but through the computor, snail mail, taking walks with my dog, laughing with my husband. =)) these are the small pleasures that fill my life. <:P the pain is always there and using conservative measures i have been able to get it under some control. please think back to your days of Yoga and using deep breathing and the peacefulness of meditation. the beauty of moving your body. perhaps you can exercise in a swimming pool. it really is pain free and so relaxing!! just know that you have made new friends and we are here for you. so no talk of going anywhere except to take a nice hot shower!!lol! take good care of yourself!!! i am only a pm away! last week Lewis, a neighbor with brain and Prostrate cancer, passed on. i had beeen taking care of him several times week. have you seen what death does to the human body? if you have i know death would be the last thing on your mind! it is heartbreaking and something so far away from life!! dear one, stay close to us and we will help you through this! Jenny :)
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