i filled an rx for oxycontin at walgreens 2 days ago. i never felt so humiliated. i'm still shaking. i've had no life in 10 years, since pain began. when the clerk took the script to the pharmacist, they began snickering. i cannot sit nor stand longer than 5 minutes without pain. i politely asked how long it would take. the pharmacist yelled at me to sit down. i sat for 2 minutes and then tried to ask again, but i never got the chance to explain that i wanted to pick up the meds the next day if it was going to be a half an hour.
i just went through a very traumatic break-up and was dumped off at my parents after moving to ca. i had told my 'fiance' that i had chronic pain and that moving was the worst thing for me. he said he would take care of me. well, the house was filled with black widows and filth and instead of resting like i needed, i was forced to fill holes in the walls, etc... i was bit on the knee the first week. then we were evacuated due to a fire. long story short, he was the kind of guy that wanted to be seen as nice, so instead of telling me that it wasn't working out due to my 'limitations'--he had mentioned a couple of times that he wanted someone that could sit and listen to music at bars for a few hours and he knew that i couldn't do that before i moved--so he did the worst thing he could do.
it probably sounds crazy. i am so ashamed, but i have contacted attorneys and now the anger at him has turned inward. when i asked him what he had decided to do about us since he was lying about his ex-wife all the time, he said he didn't think it would work due to my pain. that would have been okay with me, but it didn't stop there. instead, he got angry, like he was angry that i had pain, like it was my fault that i had disappointed him. he pushed me when he was leaving the room. i said 'how dare you' and tried to slap him. i guess i did exactly what he wanted, even though i missed, as he called 911 and lied ot the police, told them that i was on narcotics and neglected to tell them that he had been drinking. when they questioned us, his ten-year-old daughter was there, and i told the police that i didn't remember whether he had shoved me with two hands, etc. when the cop questioning me left, i overheard him telling the other cop that i had 'hit' him. he used the word hit again and again. i was in bed resting, mind you, when he came in to talk. i'm pretty thin 5'7 and 112 pounds and he's 6 ft and 200. i've never hit anyone. but i had survived a domestic abusive marriage--which i believe caused the chronic pain in the first place--and swore that no one would ever physically abuse me again. hence, i did react by saying 'how dare you' and trying to slap him, like katherine hepburn would.
well, they handcuffed me, since he told them i was on narcotics. i still have nightmares and have not gotten over the feeling of filth and criminal that spending 6 hours in jail left me. he posted bail and the next days were a haze. i think i went crazy. i already have post-trauma-stress disorder and all of a sudden my surviving domestic abuse turned into me being an abuser. i kept telling him to build a time machine so i could forget. i still can't stop obsessing about it.
the worst part was that i had two great doctors. a pain therapist and a pain doctor who actually spent a lot of time with me telling me that when someone is in a state of anxiety and panic, the chemicals in the body go nuts and no amt. of pain medicine will make the pain go away. it made sense. i didn't believe that my fiance would do it, but he told me to leave after i had just moved into the main house with him 5 days prior, after awakening with about 800 ants crawling all over me and in my bed. i had been living in the guesthouse because the ex-wife calling constantly was hard to deal with.
anyway, this is a long story, i know, and i'm getting to why the pharmacy thing was so distressing. i'm feeling very suicidal at this point. i'm sorry. my ex-fiance had written a letter to the DA telling most of the truth, that he didn't tell police that he had been drinking, that he wasn't hurt, that i had attempted to slap him inself-defense after he had pushed me, and that he called 911 because he wanted to teach me a lesson. he said that twice. i still don't know what the lesson was.
maybe he thought that his admission, which he wrote the day after would get him in trouble, but suddenly he told me that i had to leave. i was already suicidal from being in jail and falsely accused. he put a tow on his truck and put my car on it. i went into denial. i kept saying, you're not going to just drive me to my parents in nv. i was literally on my knees begging him for mercy, telling him that i needed time to think, that i didn't have a doctor in nv anymore as i had left. and i had thought that with the therapist and bio-feedback and the new doctors i could maybe have a semblance of a life.
my ex didn't say anything. the next morning, he started stuffing my stuff in the truck roughly until i started getting scared and helping so things wouldn't break. i kept begging for him to take me to a hospital so i could think, as i was still in shock from being falsely arrested. they had not rejected the charges as yet, and i wish i had been thinking more clearly as i would've known that he had confessed that he pushed me first and that i hadn't even slapped him, but only tried in response. but i was too scared and shocked. he told me that if i didn't go to nv, he would get me in more trouble. after him lying to the police once, i was really scared. the thought of being in jail without a temperpedic bed and all the other acoutrements i need for pain was too scary. so i got in the car and was in unbearable pain for 7 hours drive and was dumped at my 80 year old parents' home like unwanted trash.
ever since, i have been to 5 pain mgt. doctors and none of them want me. no one wants to help. i guess it was bad timing. my general practitioner, who i went to after the pain clinic that i had been a patient of -- on and off -- since 2002, left a message saying they would not treat me anymore and to see my general practitioner. i am on a large dose of pain meds and had been on the same amt. for over 2 years. 240 mg. of oxycontin, along with breakthrough meds.
the pain doctors i went to were in shock. i cannot get my old pain doctor to call me back and give me a reason for why they refused to see me anymore. and the trauma of what my ex-fiance did is still causing me horrible nightmares and anxiety which makes the pain worse.
two doctors didn't even bill me, one of which argued with me with the whole 'i have a family to support and can't afford to lose my license' thing. he told me to pretend that i'd never come in as he was 'damned if he treated me and damned if he didn't' he also shoved a newspaper article in my face about my general practitioner, who is being investigated for over-prescribing. this was the first time i had been prescribed narcotics from him, though.
but i am black-listed now. every page of my pain mgt. records says that this dr. is my primary care. i don't know where to go anymore. i feel like trash. and the pain just gets worse. i look in the mirror and i swear i've aged 10 years in the past 3 months. i can't believe that months ago i truly believed that i would soon be managing my pain and have a functional life instead of being bedridden daily. i can't even do the things i used to do like write or paint.
so the other day, i go to walgreens to fill a prescription from the doctor being investigated and was treated like i was a criminal. i can't take it anymore.
i am now terrorized at the thought of even seeing another pain mgt. doctor. since i can't drive longer than 10 minutes, my old mother needs to drive me to the clinics on the other side of town and she was even humiliated. i leave in tears every time.
i'm at my wits end. i've had no life due to pain for 11 years, lost my ability to have children and now i can't find a doctor. i even asked one, who refused to rx meds, if he could just do injections or whatever so the pain would get better. i realized that my old pain mgt. clinic wasn't interested in injections or other treatments after the first 3 steroid, which didn't work. i never saw the dr., just he physician's assistant. in march, i had asked to try to taper off the meds as i was down to lvl 4- 5 and i wanted to get off of them. i didn't do well, as the drop of 80 mg. caused the pain to rise immensely, but i was doing find on the medicine i was on and thought i could just do it slower, maybe 10 mg. a month or so.
i don't know what to do. i keep telling myself that i have to keep trying to get a doctor. i make all these appts. and then i don't go because i'm too afraid. i'm too afraid to go into a hospital. i think they would keep me in due to my desire to die, even though i am giving myself a year to find some help with the pain before i do that. i don't want to die. i want to live. i just don't have a life at all right now, and the way my ex-fiance treated me was so horribly traumatic that i cannot seem to crawl out of the pit of anxiety and panic and fear and self-loathing.
and now even the pharmacists are looking at me funny. i have an rx for 30 mg. oxycodone which i was going to use to see if i could self-taper as i am so afraid to tell doctors what i am on, even though i am legal and being prescribed and have been on the same for 2.5 years, and before that methadone and a slew of anti-depressants, etc., but i'm too afraid to go to a pharmacy now.
i think that my parents would be relieved if i die. i haven't seen any of my friends who are scattered all over the country because i can't travel and i don't want them to remember me like i am now. i used to love life so much. i don't know what to do.
i learned 5 months ago that my stress and depression affects my pain levels quite a bit. but how do you fix it if the pain is causing the depression. i went to a shrink and he told me that he couldn't help me either. he said it sounds like the pain is causing my depression and anxiety and it doesn't sound like a chemical imbalance.
what do i do now that doctors don't want me. i feel like trash. i even told them i hate being on meds. but i spend almost all day in bed, save for stretching exercises i force myself to do. 8 years ago, i was a yoga teacher. i want a life back. this isn't living.
and i feel like a criminal now, and the stigma of being on pain meds is even worse due to my ex-fiance lying to the police and making me sound like some sort of violent person, when i'm not. i don't even eat animals because i don't want to cause harm to anyone. i think he just didn't want people to think he was dumping me because i was in pain, since his friends knew that, so he had to make me look like a criminal. i know he was wrong and it was abusive, but i can't stop that little voice telling me that i'm just not enough anymore. i'm broken. and like a broken toy, no one wants me. not even doctors.
i have another appt. on the 7th of november with a pain doctor and probably should get another primary care physician, but i'm too afraid.
and i'm afraid that if another doctor tells me that he or she doesn't want me as a patient again that it will be too much to bear.
how much more can i take.
i wish that i wasn't on pain meds, but i have no idea what to do. i wish i would have known more in the begining. i guess i should have researched more, but after my divorce, and a few surgeries--lost my uterus and ovaries as the gyns thought nerve pain in sacral area was due to enlarged uterus--they sent me to pain mgt.
when i moved to nv, i went to a pain mgt. clinic. well, the doctor was greedy, i guess, but vision in restrospect is always 20/20. i was on 10 mg. 2x a day of vicodin and he put me on 30 mg. of methadone and told me it was a 'baby dose'. i now know that was an incredible leap. when i told him that i was sleeping all the time, he put me on 80 mg of oxycontin. every two years, it seemed, my tolerance would go up and eventually i got to 240 mg., which is a huge amt., i know, ,enough to scare all teh doctors away and enough to make me an unwanted patient.
if i could find a doctor to deal with the pain, i would happily go to a detox to get off the pain meds. but the sacral pain gets intolerable. i don't know what to do.
if anyone has any suggestions or knows of a doctor in the henderson area of nv, near las vegas, pm me please. a neurologist would be fine.
i'm giving myself a year. technology keeps improving and although the pain mgt. physician's assitant told me that if someone were to deaden the nerves where it hurts completely, that i would have phantom pain. how does he know for sure? i want to try anything and everything i can.
i just don't know how tofind a doctor anymore and am scared tto be turned away. i'm panicked now. i've never felt more unwanted.
the experience at walgreens' was the last straw. i filed a complaint but what's the use. i'm too afraid to even talk to them in person on the phone. i'm just too scared now.
i probably should put this somewhere else. i'm afraid that i will scare all you away too. i don't know where to go or who to turn to anymore.
thanks for reading.