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Two people in pain

HeidiLynnMHHeidiLynnM Posts: 445
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:25 AM in Matters of the Heart
Hi everyone :H :H .

I have been here for a little while, getting to know everyone, and learning. I am not sure if I have told everyone about my husband, and I. Well, my husband had a spinal fusion 10/07, and he is still in chronic pain :( . We thought for sure that the surgery would help him, but it didn't.

On to me, I got hurt at work 10/06, and have problems pretty bad now with my back also. I am always in pain, and he is always in pain. We aren't grouchy to each other but it is depressing :''( :''( .

We have three children, and I feel so bad that I don't do all of the things that mommy should do with them. I want to go ice skating, sliding, running, ect. with them and I can't. I hurt, and it breaks my heart (|: .

I am so afraid of what will happen when I do get surgery. I do all of the house work for the most part, I do the homework help and getting things together. Brian has such a hard time getting up in the morning. It takes him awhile to even get moving. I don't know how he is going to help take care of me and the kids.

I sometimes wish things were different. I feel like such a bad parent. I am always in pain, I don't feel good. I want them to remember a fun mom, not a mom in pain. I also want that for their daddy. It is so annoying when people say, WOW, both of you have back problems?!!! :T :T :T . I just want to scream when they say that.

I just want my old life back, I want to work. I never understood the pain that my husband felt until I started to get the same pain, except his is worse. I also feel bad about that. I guess I just needed to vent. It seems like everyone here is wonderful, and I feel so alone sometimes.

It is hard to have friends too. They don't see the pain that I am in. They don't realize that my husband is also in pain. I am only 29, he is 39. I often wonder what lies ahead for us. I just pray that things will get better. There are days that I just want to tell my kids that I am sorry, I am sorry that mommy and daddy don't feel good :''( :''( .

Thanks for reading, I just had to get that off my chest.


  • Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear that you both suffer. Vent away that's what is awesome about our board. You can vent and all of us just nod our heads rather than disappear like so many of our real life friends who just don't know what to do, so they do nothing.

    I can't imagine if my husband were hurting at all, let alone anywhere near what I am. (He did have his gallbladder removed in January, and had another flare several months ago, and I was in a world of 'hurt' when he was unable to take care of things as usual.) In our case, we have teenage boys and that is such a help. I truly don't know what I would do if I had younger children. I'm sure you just do the best you can do.

    I will add you guys to my prayer list that things get a little better each day...I guess that is everyone's dream.

    Gentle ((Hugs))

  • Yikes, I'm so sorry about your situation. You and your husband have to have an amazing bond to hold it together with both of you being in pain. Many times jusy having one spouse with problems is too much for a relationship.

    All you can do is your best. Your kids will eat, go to school, play and be normal. So the house won't be the cleanest for awhile, big deal. This is not (hopefully) a permanent situation. Your kids will not remember you for this, they'll remember you for your hearts and souls and your love for them.

    Come one here and vent. We've been in your shoes and some of us are still there! There is no shame in letting your feelings out to others who care.....and we do care.

    Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place.

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  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 13,525
    cannot do with your children, they will always remember the deep love and caring you give to them. I understand you feelings about not being able to be with them to participate in their activities. It is so amazing how resilient children can been and how much they can understand.
    I started having spinal problems when my son was only a few years old and my daughter was just born. So I can understand what you are feeling.
    Much of what you are feeling is your own view on what is going on. As I said, providing love, guidance and support means so much to children as it does to anyone
    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 
  • Welcome to our wonderful community. Wish it were under better circumstances, though.

    I am also a mother, 3 boys (current ages are 18, 16 and soon to be 12) who have always been involved in a sport of some kind (baseball, football, tennis, tae-kwon-do) and 2 are in the marching band at high school, the youngest is in the band at his middle school. Plus, the 16 year old has always been in Beta, with the conventions, etc.

    Like you, I also struggled with the issues of not being well enough to participate in their youthful activities. And the family vacations.... UGH! My husband would always have his "itinerary" which had to be followed very strictly (get up by 7 so we can leave for 8 to have breakfast, then off to which ever park - Busch Gardens, Universal Studios or Disney, or 6-Flags, Schlitterbaum...) and then spend the whole fricking entire day there, leaving when the park closed, grabbing supper and getting back to the condo. YIKES. During the early stages, my husband just did not understand the fuss. He kept telling me I needed more exercise. :< I was too out of shape. You name it.

    After I had my surgery (micro-diskectomy) the surgeon must have said something to him because after that, his attitude changed. He was more empathetic. Now a days, he fusses at me to stop doing so much (that's why we have kids he tells me).

    My youngest at one point asked me straight out if I was going to die. "Eventually, one day. But not anytime soon." I explained things to him as well as my 16 year old. The 18 year old is at that stage (for the past 11 years) where he is only worried about himself and what we are going to give him and do for him. But the 2 younger ones, they get it now. They ask if they can help and all but push me aside so they can either pick up the box of sodas in the store, or carry things for me. They still won't pick up after themselves, but will clean the kitchen or put away the clothes. Sometimes even fold them for me.

    My point is that you are a family. And the best part of being a family is everyone is in this together.

    You do what you can. ONLY what you can. I've come to know that my house will not always be spic and span. That's ok. It's DEFINITELY ok with the boys, because, well, boys will be boys. I've always felt pressured being the only female in the house - girl tasks and boy tasks were separate at first, but things are getting better.

    Just love each other. Carry each other. Be considerate and kind to each other. The rest will work itself out.

    We're here if ever you want to share or vent. And to me, that is the best part. Having SOMEONE SOMEWHERE who knows exactly what I am going through.

    Hugs to you Heidi.

  • I'm so sorry that both of you are hurting! Wow, do I feel for both of you. I don't have children, but I do remember my mom being hurt in a car accident and had to have a lumbar fusion when I was younger. We all just pitched in and helped the best we could, there was no resentment, and now that I'm older, it isn't one of the first things that comes to mind. It's the love and caring that I remember, not the pain that she was in.

    I don't know if that's helpful, but that's how I feel from being the child of a chronic pain mom. I agree that the love and support are the most important things you can give to ANY child. And if you need to talk, I'm more than happy to help.

    Gentle hugs,

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  • Thanks for all of the kind words >:D< >:D< >:D< . It helps to talk to other people that live in the same world. My kids are so used to mommy doing everything for them that they get annoyed when I ask them to do something, but they do it!!!!!!

    Yes, it is very hard to have two people in pain. I am 10 years younger than my hubby B) . I am scared of what we will become in 10 years! LOL. I do still get out, I go out a few times with my friends. I love to go to bingo :O) :O) . It just hurts to sit so long and the chairs kill me!!!!! Anyway, I am so glad that I can come here and vent. Thank you all so much >:D< >:D< >:D<
  • You know how I know that you're a great Mom? Because you are bothered by the fact there are things that you cannot do for your kids that you think are important. Believe me all they really need is your unconditional love. All the other stuff they will have forgotten all about when they are grown. I know because I have kids 22,18 and 17. Boys and a girl in the middle. They can recall some things like maybe the park that we went to every 4th of July to watch fireworks but their memories of events like that are rather vague now that they are grown. But the one thing my children have never doubted is that I love them. None of them ever end a phone conversation without saying "I love you". I promised on the day they were born that I would never let a day pass that I didn't tell them that I love them and I've kept that promise. Sweetheart that is ALL that really matters because it is the only thing that they need from you two. All the rest will be just a vague memory to them when they are grown. I will keep you both in my prayers. We are all here to support each other. Come yelling here if you need to or just for a hug. Either way we are here for each other.
  • hi heidi

    mum of 3 myself,its bothers me being physically restricted also with the kiddie stuff,but i love them so much,every now and then i do have to prep talk to them because things can get on top of you.the doc advised me to let them be more independant and learn to slow yourself down Yikes me slow down but i am super mum i cant and yes i struggled there.i hurt myself more struggling so yeah now i listen to my body more,and you know 7yrs on and the 3 kiddies prove there worths 10 fold,they remember our last summer hol's,last xmas ect,those things i would have stressed out at yet they have better memories when i hear their conversations so i know i am on track by pacing every day,planning things ahead and our little family meetings every now and again put us all on track again,it helps me listening to there feed back in our meetings,its always mum chill out a bit more,we all worry yes but kids are more resiliant and actual can help you correct whats stressing,worrying us adults,i know my bad days as do they and they can be more understanding than friends and family that i have weathered.

    you are such a good,caring mum and thats always going to be close to there hearts
  • I really needed to hear all of those nice words from you all. I am glad that I have you guys to talk to >:D< >:D< >:D< . It made me feel good to think that, hey, I am a good mom if I am worried!!!! I love those kids with all my heart. I don't always tell them, but they are my babies. I am having a hard time with getting them to help out more, that is because mommy always did everything!!!!!

    I always worry, I worry about everything :T :T .

    You guys are wonderful O:) O:)
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