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Lack of support and understanding from hubby

MingMMing Posts: 1,127
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:25 AM in Matters of the Heart
I am feeling very down today. I just sit here and evaluate how crappy things are. I don't have any support or understanding or compassion from husband for the problems I am having with my back. He just doesn't understand what I have going through. It's always been my job to do everything around the house including grocery shopping, running the kids to sports, appts etc and now I need his help. I even got to where I was doing most of the yard work too. This was in addition to working full time and going to school part time and he was lucky to work a full week with his business. Each day he seems to lack more and more motivation for life and doing anything for anyone that doesn't benefit him in someway. I asked him to drive me to the store the other day because I had taken an extra dose of pain meds and was in a lot of pain from my PM dr appt and he flat out said no so I went alone, got the groceries, carried them in the house and put them away...alone. That just made the pain worse, not to mention I am PO'd at this point which adds to the pain. Then he thinks I am lazy because I am laying in bed in pain. It is like this everyday.

I've considered leaving him but how I am supposed to do that when I can't hardly move, don't have a job and no where to go since this is my house and I can't get him to leave.

He now verbally abuses me by telling me how fat, lazy, useless etc I am so this just compounds to my depression and anxiety.

My daughter's grandma died on her dad's side and my husband is being a jerk to the whole family today instead of being loving and compansionate to her because she is sad. She is only 12 and really is taking it hard. He has such a hard time being loving, understanding, sympathetic, compassionate etc. I know his parents weren't very nice to him when he was younger and I think this has affected him however that's no excuse to treat me lousy. I feel like I got the short end of the stick because when I got married we were so much in love and I thought this man is going to take care of me. When it came down to the time for him to start taking care of me, he can't handle it. I am a very independent person so it's really hard for me to come out and ask for help and then to be told no when I do makes it even harder to reach out for help so I do everything myself which is only causing more pain and problems with my back.

Thanks for listening to me complain about my lousy day. I just needed to get this off my chest. I am so lucky to have found all of you as you have been so helpful, kind and understanding.


  • I'm sorry about your situation and shocked at your husband's apathy and behavior. I am also so sorry for your loss and it is heartbraking to hear about your daughter's grieving. I wish I could put into words the agony that you go thru each day dealing with so much and on top of that the verbal abuse. I understand you're in a tough bind, and feel like you can't leave him because of your disability. But it sounds to me that you have been doing it all by yourself anyway. You don't need this in your life. You are way better and deserve much better than what you're getting out of your spouse. How dare he say those things to you. Nobody asks to have chronic pain and it's downright cruel for him not to lift one finger to help. Can you separate and live with your parents? Like I said, you seem to be an independent, driven woman carrying the weight of the world and your pain on your shoulders, and your husband's not doing a @#$damn thing for you. I'm sorry, is just that I've seen a lot of that growing up and will never stand for it, and I will be your most vociferous advocate. PM me if you wish; we all care for you and are here 24/7 for you to vent your frustrations. Take care and don't listen to any of that derogatory attacks because it's BS and you are 100x's better than him. People will put you down because they are worthless and want to drag you down with them. Always remember that.
  • I am sending you tons of hugs and love your way today. I just don't know what to say about your situation other than I am so sorry that you are having to deal with so much all at once, and having NO support from the man who is supposed to love and support you "in sickness and in health" is unimaginable and he should be ashamed of himself.

    But YOU HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH!!! You are deserving of all of the good this world has to offer and you are doing all you can to get by. I think you are one strong lady, as we all are, but even the strongest of us need love, affection and support. You will ALWAYS have what you need in that department from your family right here.

    Peace love and hugs to you,

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  • Thanks for your support. I really look forward each day to login and chat with everyone.

    The hardest for me to accept is what's been addressed above. In sickness and in health and he should be helping me through this as this is the time I need him the most. I just want him to hug me and tell me it's going to be ok, we'll get through this together. Instead he doesn't even want to listen to me talk about my problems. I can understand it is aggravating to hear someone constantly complaining about being in pain so that's why I try to keep to myself.

    It really does make me feel better knowing you guys are so supportive. Before I came here, I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone who understood.

    My parent's live next door but I wouldn't stay with them. My dad is a heavy smooker and that bothers me since I quit 2 years ago.
  • I fill for you, I have no support my phone has not rang all week from anyone to check and see how I am doing Then I see what your going through and I dont know what is worse. Every body here is great but sometimes a hug and somebody saying its going to be ok would be nice. I hope your husband starts to understand and support you. My thoughts and prayers are with you...
  • >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D<
    That's it. You both needed them so I'm glad you're here so I can send them.
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  • I understand what you mean. I try and thank my husband for driving me for cooking for me. Try to leave the room when he gets like that. I understand what you're going through. It's scary. Stay safe. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I used to have a boyfriend just like your husband and i kicked that jerk to the curb about a year and a half ago. I put up with him for eight years and he's lucky he can still chase women after i finished with him! :jawdrop:

    I also moved to another state and left all my belongings behind. I am so happy now, sure i have a few minor problems but leaving made a world of difference. I pray that your pain and all your other problems stop very soon. Here's hugs from me to you, >:D< >:D< >:D<

    Take good care of yourself and God bless!

    Evelyn :H
    Had PLIF in 2008 and a Laminectomy. One level fusion, L4-L5.
  • I do understand what you are feeling because i have been there as well. Here's wishing you good health and a pain free life. >:D< Many of the people in this forum are very understanding and will be here for you anytime you feel like talking. We all know what you are feeling and care about your suffering. Here's wishing you a speedy recovery and no more pain! I will keep you in my prayers.

    Evelyn :H
    Had PLIF in 2008 and a Laminectomy. One level fusion, L4-L5.
  • You guys really are the best. I can truly feel your hugs and know that you well wishes are geniune. I hide out in my room most of the time sitting on my bed with my laptop on my lap watching tv snuggling with my kitties.

    I am sorry to hear you don't have a good support system either and I am glad that you are here. Everyone here is so great and supportive and understanding.

    I just got a job with an insurance company and I can't wait to start. I can't give them a start date yet because I am still on disability but I don't want them to know that. I know that once I start feeling better, get back to work and making my own money again I can gain the confidence and independence that I lost while I've been laid up.
  • I am so sorry to hear of the abuse that you endure every day. Please try and make a change soon. If not for yourself than for your children. I have an idea that your husband is very insecure. Lots of times people will feel better about themselves by belittling other people. He also may feel that he needs to do this in order to keep you. (make you feel that you can't do any better). I know that you probably could not get him into counseling but maybe if you seperated even temporarily he may start to appreciate you more and maybe even agree to counseling. Life is so short. I would hate for you to spend the rest of your life being treated like this. Please know that anytime I can help I am only a PM away.
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