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Boyfriend and surgery

nursedina001nnursedina001 Posts: 234
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:25 AM in Back Surgery and Neck Surgery
Ok... Here is my problem:

I am having two level spinal fusion on 12/19. My mom is coming from Florida to take care of me.

My boyfriend's birthday is the 28th of December and he wants to have his brother and some friends come up to visit him, I suggested that I would not be in the mood 9 days after surgery for company and he seems to think that I will be fine and I am making a bigger deal of this than I need to.

Am I bending this out of proportion that I would not be up to having company 9 days after a two level fusion?

He seems to think I will be up doing things and sees no reason why I am having my mother come up to stay with us to help out.

How can I help him to understand that this is serious surgery?




  • Can your doctor speak with you (with him present)to explain what your recovery is like? Possibly give him any literature that explains what recuperation is like? It is really important for him to understand how much help you will need! Good luck.
  • Have your Doc tell him. Show him the data and what is involed. He might just want you to be "better" and thinks it magically happens. It is a long road.

    Good luck with the the surgery!!!

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  • Are his brother and friends staying overnight? I don't think that's right unless you live in a big house and you can relax in your bedroom. I really would consider this person in your life. I would even get my own place. I couldn't handle that. But that's my opinion. I don't know if talking to a Dr. would help. You're a Nurse and he doesn't understand. May be they all could get a motel room?Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Hi Dina,

    I had a textbook perfect, successful three-level fusion with no post-op pain in May, and 9 days later I was not even home yet (3 days in the hospital, 7 days in rehab). When I got home after 10 days, I was only ready for short visits. For one thing, I could only sit 20-25 minutes at one time then I had to get up, plus the living room seats were not that comfortable for me. And I think I did much better than a lot of people who posted here who were still in a lot of pain and on heavy medications after 9 days. So tell your BF, that realistically you may not be ready for other than brief visits, or maybe for none at all. Ask him to respect your recovery and tell him if you will feel up to it, he will be the first one to know. He has to understand that it is a serious surgery and some people require a long recovery. Even under the best of circumstances there will be a lot of restrictions, so he should respect your wishes. Have a serious talk with him, ask him to log in on this site and read some of the postings if he does not believe you. Whatever you do, don't let anybody coerce you of doing anything that you don't think you are ready to face yet.

    Good luck with your surgery and with making people understanding your situation and give you the proper support.


  • They are not staying overnight. He was going to have them up for the day because it is his birthday. I told him that I didn't think it would be a good idea and he said we can play it by ear.

    He is having a hard time understanding the seriousness of surgery. His mom had a few back surgeries a few years ago and went home alone with no help so he thinks that I am making a bigger deal of this than needs to be done.

    I am very frustrated and don;t know what to do. thanks for the support

    -- :D
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  • My 20 year old daugter has decided she is going to marry her boyfriend 9 days afer my fusion on the 22nd.
    When I told her I wish she would wait so I could attend she said they could put me in a wheelchair.
  • Hi,

    First of all, your boyfriend really needs to understand what your recovery is going to be like. This is major surgery. I could not even turn myself over or wipe my own @$$ in the hospital. He is going to be an important part of your recovery during and after your mother leaves. If he wants to see his friends while they are in town and for his birthday then perhaps they could meet for coffee or beers or whatever somewhere outside of the house. That way the conversation won't be all about you as well. People can act resentful at times when the attention should be on them and is not. I don't think you will be up for it that soon. At least not playing hostess. Maybe if there is room for you to be comfy and them to visit. My thoughts anyway.

    One Love,

  • Or has he come with you to any of your doctor's appointments? I've brought my boyfriend to my last two, and he is coming tomorrow for my last MRI review, and I am lucky to say, he totally gets it (he also helped me thru the last surgery).

    Anyhow, as others have said, that may be the best way (or show him this thread - maybe some of the above posts will help illustrate!)
    Jan 2009 L5-S1 ALIF
    May 2017 ALIF L4-L5 with PLF rods added L4-L5-S1
  • in hospital 9 days after my surgery and just having visitors for an hour or so was as much as I could handle.
    Your boyfriend needs to brought back to reality. Maybe he should read this thread.
    Stephanie had a good suggestion that maybe they could go out so you didn't have to play hostess or more importantly have to clean up before and after them.

    A friend said to me the other day " why are you waiting for your back to fuse? Isn't that what the Dr did during your operation?" She mistakenly thought that having fusion surgery would be it and I would be right to go ahead and do what I wanted after. So maybe your boyfriend needs to understand that the surgery is just the beginning and the fusion takes months to grow before it is stable.

    Hope things work our for you.
    Blessings Sara O:)
  • everyone here knows what I would say, being that I'm a back patient also. So I just walked out my husband and said "Say my surgery was scheduled 9 days before your birthday, and your friends wanted to come over for the day and hang out, what would you say". He smiles and says "I'd say no", and I said "becaaaaaause?", and he said "because you'd be recovering.". So problem solved. :) Your BF is TOTALLY out of line. :O

    Even if you do have a big enough house where you could sneak off, you're going to need his help. Tell him absolutely not, no no no! }:) }:)

    Take him to your appointment and tell the doctor what he is proposing, guarantee the doc will make him feel like a jerk for even considering it.

    You're BF probably does not understand what this surgery is, or how you will be feeling. So I would not be mad, but like Angel said, he needs a dose of reality.

    Good luck with all of this, and let us know how it goes.

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