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Sinking Into my "Dark Place" today

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,578
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:26 AM in Matters of the Heart
Had a horrible day yesterday. Mike and I had only the 2nd fight we have ever had in the past 2 years we have been together. I feel like the underside of pond scum today. I am questioning my ability to be with anyone. I feel more like damaged goods today than I have in a very long time. I was ready to leave. I was ready to just get into my car and look for a nice overpass to run off of. I know these things are horrible to think, but the thoughts are there. Thank heavens the kids are home on a snow day because I just don't think i want to be alone today.

I have a call into my therapist..... but I really don't want to go, you know. And I know that is THE time I need to. I just feel toxic, to those around me. Who needs that in their lives?

Clinging on to the knot at the end of my rope today.

Sorry to complain

Amy L)


  • Hi Amy,

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Feel free to PM me if you would like. I am hear to listen. I understand how you feel, however, remember he would not be with you if he didn't want to be. It can seem like you are a burden when you are hurting all the time. It's very hard to depend on others to help you out but be lucky you have someone to depend on and to hold while you are sad. I hope you feel better and if you can't get to your therapist, do you have a friend you could call and cry on their shoulder. Here's hug for you >:D< >:D<

    I hope you crawl out of your dark place and into the light soon.

    Take Care,
  • i think that we have all had those days when we feel useless, toxic, and that in general those around us would do better without the hassle we bring to their lives.

    but thankfully, that feeling does pass....

    hang in there, talk to your therapist, look at your beautiful children, and know that they love you, and will be lost and heartbroken without you.

    you have had the strength to battle the crippling pain, the awful, judgemental doctors, the needles, drugs therapies and surgeries....


    hang in there, and know that we are there with you...



    >:D< O:) >:D<
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  • I hope you feel better soon,you take care...
  • My lovely,woops our lovely wonderful caring and giving Amy, you enetitled to feel down every now and then, ok? its ok to have the dark sometimes, because for some its always there, just under the surface,waiting and watching,wanting to come out and grab you when you least want or need it.
    Your so much more than you know,to us here, to Mr. Mike, to the kids,remember, your an inspiration to some of us,a lot of us, so dont be afraid of the dark, coz the light always follows. I have my demons knocking at the door too, I am not ready to face the mirror, at my failed body, my failed life,no life, no job , no girl to call on, etc, but..
    thats ok ..
    All I can do is the best I can everyday, I am my own worst enemy. I am too critical of my self, I am too hard on my self esteem, hard, hard, hard.
    I hope your easy on yourself, dont be a ranchie!
    You deserve the best in life, love as hard as you can, dance, on the inside when you cant dance on the floor.

    Your a very worthwhile gal who deserves much more than whats been delt. your strong and good and sensitive,
    sensitive...thats a bad thing sometimes you know, some people are too kind for this world, the hammerblows of life hit you harder than others, the highs higher, the lows bottomless,its not your fault being a good person,its hard to be strong sometimes, but you can do it(yes I am tempted to say like the waterboy...)
    I wish I could hug the pain away
    wish I could erase yesterday
    So all I can do is hold you up best I can,
    when you cant walk anymore
    you crawl
    when you cant crawl anymore
    you find someone to carry you.
    we love you here at the little spiney village on the web!
    Please dont be afraid of the darkness,it will pass and you will be strong again
    always remember that you have value and worth, to yourself and others.
    Amy, if your toxic,Mr.Mike wouldnt love you, the kids wouldnt love you.
    You have a worth above Diamonds and Sapphires
    You are worth far above all the stars in the skys, or any riches undiscovered within the earth.
    You are valued and valuable!
    never forget this
    your unique and lovely in every way!, there will be peace inside
    there will be love throughout
    there will be hope to look up to like the sun!!!
    dont give up hope just yet
    thats the best part!
    There is nothing that faith wont overcome
    There is nothing that hope will not give
    There is nothing that love cannot fix.
    Where there is faith,
    there is hope,
    Where there is hope,
    there is love
    Where there is love,
    there is strength,
    Where there is strength
    there is peace
    please be kind to yourself as John would say
    I hope there is peace in your life!
    Please dont be afraid of the dark beast within
    as I said earlier, the beast never sleeps, it waits to pounce and beat you, with a part of yourself where your weakest.
    hold that head up
    you have every right to all the happyness in the world
    when you find it hold it tight to your breast and let it warm you.
    there will be peace, love and hope again,and again!
    thats the best part of life! you get more!
    rest that weary, lovely soul of yours,and when your ready, get up and take the spiney fu position
    you know?
    or do I have to remind ye?????????
    chin down
    hands up
    start swinging
    your a fierce adversary to the wee beasty
    rest and dont be sorry for the emotions, coz we understand,and wont hold it over you. none of us here are angels,nor demons
    love yourself
    we love you
    Mr Mike loves you
    the kids love you
    there will be light!
    William (sometimes ranchhand!)
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • Well, I've been a member for three months and this is the first time that I actually cried when reading a post. So, pardon the typos, as my tears are still welling up. My heart is full of caring and hugs for you.

    Amy, hang in there. You are such a wonderful lady and I know that pain, surgeries, recoveries - they can put a lot of pressure on relationships. I don't fight with my hubby much at all either, but we've had our issues during all of this.

    I wish I had the magic string to lift you back into the light, but I don't. Just know that you have friends that care, people who love you, and there are even people out there that hurt for you and you don't even know.

    I'm sending you a very big prayer and an even bigger hug. (((((hug)))))

    Take care of yourself, please, and let us know how you are.

    Wish there was more I could do...

    Someone who cares,
    >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D<
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  • Amy

    You won't believe this, what I am about to say. I have thought of ways to "end it all". I have my plans. And most - well, no one would even know my death was my intent. I wouldn't want my kids to know their mommy was in such a horribly dark place she couldn't pull herself out. You see, I am the glue that holds my family together. If I were to slip up and not come through, I don't know if my boys would be able to cope.

    Funny thing is that all of my ideas are so simple and easy. Gosh. It's funny really how splendidly simple they are. What holds me back? This stupid thing I have that is called tenacity. I refuse to let any one or any thing get t he better of me. Mainly though, it's my kids.

    I too am tired of putting up with this bull $hi% every single day. It's an internal struggle with me. Most times, no one knows how I am feeling physically, emotionally or otherwise. They don't know the thoughts that go through my mind.

    But like you, I'm tougher than that. We may not be the cream of the crop, but we both have alot to offer those around us.

    Dark hole? Yes. There would be a dark hole in this world if you would not be here. One that would never be able to be filled. This world is better off with us. Believe me. I know I've touched the lives of many people. That was before I found this site. And since. Complete and total strangers.

    I know some of them were exactly where you are now. And I know that some of them stayed here a bit longer because of me. Something I said; something I did. Like you and the elderly veteran the other day. He may have felt the same way you do now, and your kind gesture may have been the one thing that changed his mind.

    We, each of us, are precious in our own right. We are all here for a reason. When we've served our purpose, we will no longer be needed.

    I don't think we've quite served our purpose yet, hon.

    You hang on that small knot in your rope. I'll be right back with a ladder so you can climb on down. Then, wipe the snot off your face and give Mike a hug and a kiss because you love him and you know deep down how much he loves you. "Sorry" isn't even needed. Unless you need a segue or something. The best hugs are the ones that come without preamble or strings.

    You, however are much stronger than I. YOU have reached out to professionals for help. That took guts and strength. I admire you for that.

    Take care Amy. We love you. We care. We'll be waiting for you to come out. PM me if you like.


  • Yeah, depression sucks. Used to feel suicidal. Not anymore. Know why?

    Because there's still some good left in this world, and it's worth fighting for.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 11,347
    Amy, you know you have been through the ups and downs that spinal patients go through. So, lets all hope together and whatever it takes, bring that comfort level back to you so you are not in a dark alley
    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • You can't get down on yourself. Please hug yourself and say I am a good wife, I'm a good Mother. Find some time for yourself and do something you enjoy and that self love will return and the darkness will leave. I wish you a better day. You deserve it. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • .... that so many people cared so much. I am writing this thru tears this morning, but tears because I feel loved and worth happiness.

    God bless you all, for being such a constant and unconditional safety net. I love you all so much. I will work harder on loving myself. I promise this to you all.

    Thank you a million times over.

    All my love,

    Amy >:D<
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