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trouble with family, kids

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,578
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:26 AM in Depression and Coping
From reading everyone's posts, I'm not the only who has had, or is having trouble with family. I know my husband understands, but I see pain in his eyes when he looks at me sometimes. It makes me feel like I've broken some unspoken agreement. I'm not the woman he married and the first one to say that would be me. I can't do all the things I use to do, but it makes me feel less than, or not worthy of his love.
When this happened to me, almost 5 years now, my daugther lived out of state. And although, she was here when I had my surgery, in the conversations that followed, she kept telling me I would get better. "Just give it some time, mom." 2 years later, she went with me for an EMG and still, "Just give it some time, mom. You'll get better."
I don't know whether her inability to accept what happened was based on her inability to accept that her mom was broken, or that she didn't believe me. Either way, it hurt like hell that my own daughter felt the way she did. 4 years into it, she finally got it. But it took her watching me try to do things in pain. 4 years later and my daugther was finally compassionate.
My sons are both grown and they still don't get it. They're always telling me I can build the muscle in my leg if I just go to the gym.
Well, the muscle they are referring to is attached to the L3 nerve that's damaged, in other words, the muscle in that part of my leg is paralyzed, won't work and the gym won't fix it.
It hurts :< when your own children don't understand and certainly doesn't help that feeling of less than.
Has anyone else had a similar experience?


  • It is a grim reminder to read your post. I think everyone has different tollerences for pain and experiences so know one can know what every one else experiences. I have felt alone at times and not wanted to 'complain' about the discomforts I feel. I listen to other peole talk about their ills so it allows me to empathise and understand but you never know about different things unless you experience them your self and even then its different.

    The best thing you can try is change the way you feel and think in your own mind because it does not know the difference betewwn real and fake, and wake up every morning with positive affermations like "I love my self and allow others to love me too", "My children understand me and love me, and I understand and love my children". I always look in the mirror when I start an affermation process. Happy new year best wishes to you.

    Pain is a bi*ch but it definately increases with increasing negative emotional stress. :T
  • It is happening to you just as it is in my family. My sisters still deny my mother (who must live with me) has AZ. They just think she is forgetful or worse, just dumb! It's hearthbreaking to see them try to reason with her-they will learn-it may take them 4 years too.

    Give your boys more information that may help them understand and mostly-forgive them if they don't get it. You have to remember they think you are indestructible-they think this way out of love for you. I know that is what my sisters feel-only love for their parent.

    I'm sorry for your situation and maybe it's been going on too long-a family talk at your GP's office may help everyone understand the nature of your physical limitations, but you have no spiritual limitations and can still be a wife and mother.

    Good luck and I hope someone with better advice than me comes along soon to help you through this hard passage.
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  • As hard as it was, I can honestly say I am thankful that during both of my surgeries I didn't have a spouse. It was just my 2 girls and me. And with them being young, I think they could understand alot better than most adults can. If they seen me just laying in bed or on the couch, they would be quiet and i'd hear whispers "shhh mommy doesn't feel good". My parents and siblings haven't been the easiest to deal with though, but I feel part of that is my own fault. I have always been the "strong" one. Ya know the type..."I can do it, don't need anyones help". That leaves me in the delusion that if I can't do it myself then it doesn't need done lol. So they always saw me as capable of handling everything on my own...including the time immediately after my surgeries. For my first surgery my sister stayed with me for 1 week then I was on my own. My second surgery I was on my own from the time my sister dropped me off from being discharged from the hospital. In a way i'm thankful for it. I didn't have anyone to "disappoint". Although none of us should EVER think of ourselves as a disappointment. Most of the time we don't do this to ourselves (and who in their right mind would????). And the whole "for better or worse" needs to be remembered by both spouses. Stop and think about if your spouse were in your shoes. And ask them to put themselves in yours. I know if it were me, and my spouse was going thru what I am, I'd do everything I could to help.
  • I can only say to try to keep your head in there. It gets hard sometimes. My husband called me a drughead about 7 years ago in front of my 9yr old and 13yr old kids. After that and still, neither will even take advil or tylenol because he had a stigma against pain management! He has since realized he is not always right, but my children are very confused still. The worst part--he knows because all 12 specialists (neurologists, neurosurgeons, pain mgmt injection specialists,etc) I have gone to have told him over and over but he still believes a person can tolerate anything without medication.

    Enough already--I have ordered a book called psychological abuse effects which I hope will help me to cope with my husband. Getting rid of my back probs needs to be my focus.

    By the way, I have always worked (20 yrs RPh, about 6 yrs while I was in school to support us). He hasn't. So our problems seem similar.

    Check amazon for that book. Nobody needs to try to deal with more than they have to when they have chronic pain.

    Good Luck!!
  • Listening to your posts takes me to a conversation I had with myself many times the first couple of years, and something my parents taught me in death. You're enough. Whether or not people believe what happened to me isn't the point, the point is that no matter what they believe or think at the time, love isn't based on what people do. It's based on who they are. Watching both my parents die as they lost their ability to do things (they both died of cancer) it didn't matter. Everyone, friends, family, long lost relatives gathered round them to spend time with them. They didn't have to do anything, but be who they are.
    That's what I've been doing, just being who I am, and regardless of what I can and cannot do, I'm a pretty cool person to know. Probably not the most fun on a sledding riding hill. (It's snowing like crazy right now) but even when I get stuck on the couch with ice on my leg, I have a lot to offer.
    DENIAL, good word. I think that''s what my daughter did, and what my sons do. Mom is invincible, and will always be the person who does everything. (They don't pay too much attention to detail LOL @) ) and I don't think they want to know. It would change who they are too much. I did set that example. Raised all three of them by myself for 12 years, bought my own home, ran my own business for over 30 years. That's why I feel like I broke some unspoken agreement with my husband. We've been together for 10 years, but only married for 5, so all this happened very soon after we were married. He beat cancer the first year, I broke my back the second.
    Anyway, thanks for listening. There is much wisdom in what you all have to say!
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  • Hi - I understand how it feels when others are waiting for you to "heal" or "get better." I think until we have something major like our spine things happen, most people just assume that everything is "get sick, get better." Doctors have all the fixes. If they go online, they see the "90% of back pain patients get better" and don't necessarily want to lump their loved ones in the other 10%. If we have a positive attitude etc. then everything will get better. It's hard to accept that medicine has its limits and some body parts don't fix themselves no matter how long you wait. And some potential drugs and treatments carry big risks or side effects - so we aren't going to look like that happy patient success story online or or TV if we try them. It's been frustrating for me, but I think my family is starting to get that I won't be doing all the stuff I used to do. It's taken a little explaining to some on how discs, nerves, and facet joints work, though.
  • My other thought is that now I've gone through this, I realize much better what other family members have gone through with their health (e.g., why grandma stopped gardening or why uncle so and so never had energy due to the chronic condition that hit him early in life). And it's made me more sympathetic to coworkers with other chronic problems now that I can relate to the struggles they go through to make it to work and deal with all the stress there. I guess it's unfortunate that we have to experience it to really understand and empathize.

    A friend of mine told me how a diabetes group educated a local politician about diabetes one day by having 2 people trail him and making him go through the daily routine of a diabetic (for example, he was about to go into a big meeting, and they stopped him and said no till he pretended to take his insulin). I wonder how people would take it if they had to try living the life of a back person for a day.
  • This post made me stop and think. It made me grateful for those that are understanding in my life and made me remember that those that are not my not have any idea what it is like to have back problems or any health issues that made them stop everything for a time.
    Turtle - I somewhat understand what you are going through with your Mom, I just lost my grandmother Nov 25 from the same disease. It is so hard to watch them drift away. She did not live with me, but I did live very close and helped with her daily care until she had to move to a wonderful home for AZ patients.
    Again Thanks!!! Sometimes we all need to slow down and think about what we mean to the people that we love and how they feel when we are unable to go and do.

  • If I hadn't looked at your signature, I would've thought I wrote that post. My husband calls me a druggy in front of my kids too. He calls me lazy as well as many other names. He doesn't understand why I don't start working (he hasn't worked in weeks and he's perfectly healthy). I had to stop working and going to school because of my chronic pain. I am glad that you recommended that book and I will be planning to check it out. Please feel free to PM me at anytime. It really is frustrating at times. I have come to the conclusion that I can only change me and I can control my own outcomes. I do not get upset anymore and just let it go in one ear and out of the other. I still work on self improvement and instilling positive values in my childrens' lives.

    Happy New Year to All!!!
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