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ever have scarry conversations with yourself

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,578
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:26 AM in Depression and Coping
Just wondering how many people have had conversations such as, "Just shoot me," or "Maybe I would be better off if I had my leg amputated," or "They are kinder to animals?"
I've been in some pretty dark places in recovery, if you can call failed back surgery recovery. Not sure what category it falls under. For awhile I couldn't decide whether having my leg was worth it.
A very spiritual massage therapist was working on me about 2 yrs. after my surgery. She had an idea of what happened to me, but when she asked, "Are you angry with your leg?" It kind of freaked me out. I couldn't say, NO, so I said, "Yes, I am. It hurts all the time and keeps me from doing a lot of things i used to do and want to do."
She said, "What does your leg have to do with all that. It sounds to me like pain is keeping you from doing things. You should be compassionate to your leg it's done a lot for you and for many years did whatever you asked of it, and whatever healing might be possible won't happen in all that negative energy."
I wish there would have been more healing in my leg, but what she said got me thinking and was more than the likely the start of some much needed emotional healing. :)

Have any of you every had scarry conversations with yourselves? #:S



  • I've thought certain things like that when I'm having alot of pain. We have to nurture ourselves and I think back or leg pain has anything to do with lack of loving one part. We love our wholeselves but pain can play a number on us. Pain control is important as well and if we're out of pain we have less and less of those thoughts. It's normal to have thoughts like that and not dwell on them. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I've had so many conversations with myself, it's a good thing that there are no hidden cameras in the house because I would be locked into a looney bin. The most commen phrase out of me? "They would shoot a horse for less than this"! Oh, and of course there's "That Fu$#@ing doctor who did this to me in the first place, I wish I could kill her!". She really screwed my back up, I wouldn't be in this type of pain but for her. Talk about some serious malpractice. She got away with it though because by the time I found out what it was that she had done so wrong it was too late to file a lawsuit. So I also got stuck with all of the medical costs and she get's away with my money and nothing else. Can you hear the anger in this? But yes, it's perfectly normal to have these thought's, I believe that we all do. I really liked the story about your therapist, she must have been very inspirational to go to.
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  • I thought about a lawsuit as well. My only problem was that the docs who did second and third opinions all said it looked like a good fusion. So, I couldn't get anything, or anyone to say the surgery caused the nerve damage. Before surgery I had right leg flank pain running down the outside of my leg.
    After the surgery my right foot wouldn't move (It's still very weak but after hours of PT I can make it land on the heal instead of ball of my foot, it aches alll the time) AND my left didn't work at all. Did you hear that! My left leg didn't work at all! :''( It took six months of PT to learn to walk again and all the docs said, "LOOKS LIKE A GOOD FUSION," not to mention the pain I am in 24/7 because of damaged nerves. :|
    The hard thing about malpractice: INTENT, did the doc do something wrong and can you prove it?
    Anyway, no lawsuit. I had to come to terms with crap happens and it happened to me.
    I'm sorry to hear that it happened to you as well. If you don't mind my asking, what exactly happened to you?
  • all the time!
    i thought by now that i would have recovered ..no chance..like the post on learning to live with whats left .its not easy .some times i just dont bother i will sit in my recliner and block the world out!!
  • are sometimes the only ones you can have.

    I've learned today, to my cost, that if you share suicidal thoughts with friends, some can't handle it, and then disappear in a cloud of dust.

    Making you feel even more lonely and bereft.
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  • With friends like that, who needs enemies, right? Good friends rise to the top when difficulties arise. I have been blessed with 2 really wonderful friends who are always with me no matter what. Lost my best friend (hubby) 10 years ago...he was always my best cheerleader and always on my side (even when I might have been wrong about something). Be thankful that they left...gives you the chance to develop new and better friendships. Blessings to you, Janey! And hugs! >:D< >:D<
  • ...worry about having arguments with yourself and loose them all the time. Then you need help.

    So far I have noticed that the ones who talk the most about suicide are attention getters. They aren't the ones who will go through with it most of the time. We've seen it on here many times. The ones who don't tell you are the ones you read about most often in the paper. They just do it.
  • attention seeking or a genuine plea for help?
  • Ask yourself this.....could there be an antidepressant medication that could help me cope better? Ben wouldn't take and antidepressant.......have I made my point?
    I"m not trivializing your symptoms or thoughts by any means, in fact you people are my heroes. Elavil has helped me tremedously with pain, depression, and sleep. That's my two cents for what it's worth:-)
  • you have us!!! pm anybody, we're there!! we may not know what to say but we can certainly relate.
    your friend in pain and hope,
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