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Permently Disabled

cyndi4everccyndi4ever Posts: 153
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:26 AM in Matters of the Heart
I was Told I was Disabled on Monday by the Dr. I am having a hard time excepting this. I know that I am. Its just
hard to get it though my head and accept it.
I have worked hard hard jobs all my life. Being in all acpects of food service from catering for thousands of people,to cooking for hundreds and doing pots and pans. Working long hours usually without breaks. I guess I made my bigest mistake when after my first surgery I took a job 1 year later being the food service manager in a nursing home. This was the hardest job I have ever had cooking 4 days a week 2-3 meals a day, serving all this food and doing all the pots and pans, (Yes I was the boss,) doing all the paper work and getting ready for state surveys. I woked 50-60 hours a week in a hot hot kitchen in the summer. Some of my employees were quite limited in what they could do and had special needs. There was never time for a break or I would get behind. I went above and beyond what I did for the residens with special baking and little parties and well just things that would make them smile. I sit here and think would I have had to have surgery if I had not worked like this for 2 years. Hmmmm I dont really knowm my guess is No. This is how I worked at all my jobs, hard and going above and beyone.
I was rewarded with awards at alot of my jobs which made it seem worth it. I guess where I am going with this is. I will never be able to do this again in my life. It makes me sad and unsure of what the future holds.
When the doctor told me this on monday, I cried. Then I felt like a piece of my heart was ripped out. I could't talk about it in person to anybody or else I would lose control and cry. Now what do I do with my life.
I made good money for the last two years and I now make nothing. I have applied for SSD, but that is alot less than I am used to making. Dont get me wrong I will be so happy when I finally get accepted for SSD. I pray this happens but its usually unlikely to get accepted first time around.
I will need to learn to live life somewhat differently than I have in the past. Maybe that is a good thing because I never had time or the energy to actually enjoy life.
I believe that when one door opens another opens.
I have made the most wonderful friens on this site that have cared and prayed for me all the time. This site has been a blessing to me and I thank all the moderators for making it a wonderful place to come to and talk, get advice, inspirations and somtimes even get a chuckle out of some of the posts. I dont really know why I am writing all this I guess i just needed to.
I will live my life one day at a time and never stop believing that the good lord.



  • I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. Please don't take this as a death sentence and try to turn it into something positive. It's not going to help you by reminiscing on the what if's. Maybe you can't go above and beyond physically but you still can mentally. You've helped a lot of us here and can continue to do so. Are there places you can volunteer your compassionate heart that doesn't require being physical? You have a great heart and care so much about other people. There has to be something that you can do that still makes your life feel important and worthwhile and fullfilling?

    I will continue to keep you in my prayers.
  • I'm really sorry to hear that. I know it feels like a crushing blow and you are forced to relive your life. I'm sorry about the loss of employment, you did above and beyond what was necessary to make your clients' lives more pleasant. I know you will be rewarded for your hard work and dedication; you have such a big heart and you have always put the needs of people ahead of yours. I'm here for you if you feel like talking; I'm on SSDI too and am so grateful to have it. I know that no private insurance would come near me. Like many have said before, you will have to reinvent yourself. Even if you are disabled, you are the same person inside. It is a hard pill to swallow and you go through the stages of grief because you can't function the way you used to. I hope you have family and friends that will support you all the time. Don't give up hope, maybe one day they will come up with technological advances that can help us. Until then, hang in there. Take care
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  • Hon, I'm so sorry!! I fear this is my case as well, but I'm still happily in denial while I sit in my recliner 23 hours a day.

    I just believe there is a purpose for us, that we just don't fathom yet. Because of our new situations, there is going to be something that we are meant to do, that only sidelining us in this way could God accomplish it. (I don't know about you, but I am one stubborn girl! lol)

    ( ( HUGS) )

  • Hi Cyndi,

    Cyber hugs first!

    Accepting this scenario is very hard.
    I read a report by my own doctor and cried on seeing the words "disabled" but as my partner said..."You are, just look at how you struggle"

    Look at the Owestry Disability Index - This helped me appreciate exactly how much I did struggle with simple things.

    Please try and think of this as a new stage in your life where you need to just find new ways of doing things.

    I used to love gardening. Still dream of doing it @) but partner gave me a water colour set and said "paint it, don't dig it!"

    Had to re think my whole life. Like Cheri says, we been blessed with this situation for a reason. Try and think of onething good that has come out of it.
    For me, it is taking life slower. I used to do it so fast, too fast and now I appreciate each and every day. If it is a hellish day, then I hope on tomorrow.

    There is an arguement for denial and the success of ppl inner strength. I am not sure the answer, as long as your glass is always half full!

    Take good care!

  • i havnt worked since 1996,i am permently disabled too,i try to stay busy as much as i am able to do,it is hard to accept that you will never be able to work again,i have a dog,and he keeps me busy,do you a hobby?or any other interests to keep you busy and you mind occupied?I have come to terms with my disabilty and just take it one day at a time...
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  • Hi Cindi:

    I'm very sorry to hear you were told you are disabled. That is a hard hard message to take in. Take things slowly. I think it is a good thing to just live one day at a time. We have enough burdens without adding to them.

    Hugs! We are here for you!

    Ken GreyEagle

    p.s. My daughter is permanently disabled due to being diagnosed with MS about 4 yrs ago. She is on SSDI. She watches and spend time with her two sons,5 and 2 yrs old. They all live with us. She took on the hobby of gardening. She has made our property look beautiful.
  • Cyndi4ever,
    Your wonderful life podcast, will be full of the gifts and experience you passed on to others and even when you know what is coming the reality of those words go in slow motion as your world changes on its axis. Many here are looking for recognition of the condition that they have and the hope that things will improved and when you are told initially, you perceive all that has gone before you and your future is determined, and for a time that is normal and what you expect any normal person to think.

    You now have the reality of where you are going, in that notion that something could always be done was diminished in those few words, your tears are reflective of a loss and time will help you heal, you will emerge once more as the same person who you are inside, as you adjust to the reality of the new you.

    I as you, chased that notion of a cure and having been told this is my new life for me it was something of a relief not to be chasing that illusive cure that only I though was possible, my professor told me I was permanently disabled at this is my new life, and it is a shock.

    I have now grown into a new role unseen in my old persona and reflective of my inner effort and tenacity and time will dry those tears, and the future come into focus, this will take time and you need to be kind to yourself and adapt with imposed truth as never before, you will get through. Anyone who can manage and endure constant pain has the skill and endurance to survive just for the seeing, as the new you flowers.

    Nobody can take away those memories of what you achieved and how you have got through even with the pain, and we understand the effort required. Those doors will open and they will be many and varied, as yet unseen and unimaginable, this downtime is for reflection of what you would like to do and even in this post you are looking to the future within 100 words and I commend you for that, that’s that drive again, never goes eh !

    With three infants I also lost my job in 91 and continue to venture my own journey of pain, it has brought me to unimaginable experiences, in My disabled boy (good news) it is about perception and getting through, you have strong foundations and have adapted and survived every other imposed changed and with the right support and guidance will continue to do so, in reflection this will be a blip, a high one I know and the thoughts of us all with continue to help and support you as best we can.

    Well done, we are never alone, your name says it all……

    John x =D>

  • What a huge diagnosis. You have a good outlook, you will find other things you can do and do them one hundred percent. God will always be with you and you now have time to choose what your next years will be about. Sometimes slowing down is not a bad thing, you will enjoy a more quality life. You will see all the little things that you missed in the fast paced world.
    Many of us don't know what kind if diagnosis we will receive. We don't know whether we will go back to work or if we can start over looking at the world a little differently. Now you know to start looking at life from a different perspective.
    Keep up the positive attitude and keep helping us as we walk through this journey of back issues. Take care.
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