Does anyone else feel like they spend all day every day just trying to keep going, and it takes so much effort! I didnt even realize how hard that was for the people i care about. I flipped out at my (now ex) boyfriend a few weeks ago and he ignored me completely for 3 weeks before saying last night...
"Kayleigh i don't know if you realize but your guard or defense or whatever it is, is impossible to get through...i almost gave up talking to you so many times cause i had zero idea of what you were feeling or thinking....when i hung out with you i never felt like you trusted me at all, ever...you like turned off, and shut yourself off from me.
Ever since i hurt my back ive been very tightly wound as a person, and i dont think anyone ever realizes it until i snap. i try so hard to keep everything under control. i am in pain every second of every day, and it takes one very bad day and something going very wrong, for me to explode, and its never in a channel thats productive. its hard to try and describe that to someone, and also hard for someone else to understand how much it affects my life on a day to day basis. so many of my smiles are plastered on, which makes it that much harder to let someone in, even when i truly want to. it takes a lot for me to lose that control and when i finally do and let my guard down what emerges is the very worst form of me, and it drives me absolutely crazy.
That guard is there for a reason, i hate when people treat me differently and i dont like being constantly reminded of my limitations. A positive attitude makes it easier to cope day to day, but after 4 years of forced cheerfulness i have a hard time figuring out my feeling, never mind explaining them to someone else. I really need some help from anyone who knows what im talking about, please please please please.