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wrapped so tightly...really need the advice

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,578
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:27 AM in Depression and Coping
Does anyone else feel like they spend all day every day just trying to keep going, and it takes so much effort! I didnt even realize how hard that was for the people i care about. I flipped out at my (now ex) boyfriend a few weeks ago and he ignored me completely for 3 weeks before saying last night...

"Kayleigh i don't know if you realize but your guard or defense or whatever it is, is impossible to get through...i almost gave up talking to you so many times cause i had zero idea of what you were feeling or thinking....when i hung out with you i never felt like you trusted me at all, ever...you like turned off, and shut yourself off from me.

Ever since i hurt my back ive been very tightly wound as a person, and i dont think anyone ever realizes it until i snap. i try so hard to keep everything under control. i am in pain every second of every day, and it takes one very bad day and something going very wrong, for me to explode, and its never in a channel thats productive. its hard to try and describe that to someone, and also hard for someone else to understand how much it affects my life on a day to day basis. so many of my smiles are plastered on, which makes it that much harder to let someone in, even when i truly want to. it takes a lot for me to lose that control and when i finally do and let my guard down what emerges is the very worst form of me, and it drives me absolutely crazy.

That guard is there for a reason, i hate when people treat me differently and i dont like being constantly reminded of my limitations. A positive attitude makes it easier to cope day to day, but after 4 years of forced cheerfulness i have a hard time figuring out my feeling, never mind explaining them to someone else. I really need some help from anyone who knows what im talking about, please please please please.



  • I know exactly where you are coming from. I feel what's the sense of telling people around me when my back hurts cuz it hurts all the time and they are sick of hearing it. I am 31 and already have crease lines in my forehead from being in so much pain and stressed from it. I too blow up and it is usually at the wrong person, for the wrong reason at the wrong time. Hang in there and all of us spineys will get through this together >:D<

    I don't think I would be able to cope as well as I do if I didn't have SH to vent or turn to when I am at my lowest points. It seems there is no judgement here and a lot of open arms and people who understand. What a great community we have in SH :X
  • I fill for you and what you are going through, I fill we all have been there and probably still are every day. No one could imagine how much this takes a toll on your life. I am a single parent with not any type of support so I am sorry about your boyfreind. It would be nice tohave a physical hug now and than. The group here is great so please keep in touch and let us know how your dong.
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  • We know, we are or have been there. I suspect most of us have been behind that shield or gaurd from time to time.
    After a while most people get tired of hearing our stories.
    So when they ask how we are we say, "OK" well thats obviously a lie most of the time. I'd like to tell you how to not do that all the time, but I don't know how!
    I know when I try to tell a person an honest answer as to how I am doing I never know how those closest to me will act! It creates distrust when you have to wonder if they realy care anymore! My son once said, " Oh, your shoulder is not that bad. It's just not as good as you'd like it to be". Now, tell my how do I get past that?
    Is this what has been happening? Do we have a way around past it? To feel whole and open and honest? I think that is what is needed?
  • My opinion, there is no need to plaster on the smile, to pretend to be feeling what you aren't. It takes so much more out of you to pretend, and then to be honest. It's not fair to you to pretend.

    For myself (I have quite a bad limp because of the pain so everyone knows if I am having a bad day) I try to keep the response short and simple. "Nope, not having a good day today", or "Just gotta keep going one day at a time". If it is someone I don't know who makes a comment like "looks like you're hurting today" I just say yes and thanks for the concern.

    In a relationship, and how to deal, I have no advice. My boyfriend of 2 years left me shortly after I got hurt.

    vuno, I respect you a lot as a single parent suffering from back pain. I am a single parent of 2 boys, and the back pain adds a lot of challenges.
  • I found that after I got hurt I was full of anger and resentment and NOT a pleasant person to be around when I blew. I know that I have a right to be angry but being that way just wasn't me.

    One day someone posted some funny quotes on here by Larry the Cable guy (you never know where you'll find wisdom LOL). One of them was went something like " Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm". That sentence made more sense to me than any advise I'd heard and I made a beeline to my doctor and started on an antidepressant and therapy.

    I am much more in control of my emotions these days and act out more appropriately when things go wrong. I'm still angry but it's not consuming me the way it used to.

    I'm not saying that you're depressed but we all have a different way of life that not many people understand and it colors everything we do. It's hard to try to be "normal" and put on the fake smile every day and that will mess with anyone's mind.

    Just some food for thought. Keep letting it out here, we understand what you're dealing with and you can't cut through our collective skins. It's an awesome place to give and take.

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  • wrambler i get the "oh its not that bad" line a lot too, and its hard to react to. how do you explain to someone what its like to live in pain every day? My doctors advised me to start jogging to build up the muscles in my back and stomach. well let me tell you it was tough and it took me 2 months to build up to a 5k i ran with a roommate. I was so proud of myself! It hurt and it wasnt fun,and i was sooo slow but I did it! Then I went back to the doctors and he said that the fractures in my back have widened,maybe from the running, and previously he said that that it wasnt possible! I went from a recommended repair to a fusion. My sister responded with "your backs not that bad" even stating that my trouble sleeping wasnt real and i should just take some tylenol pm...hmmmm

  • It is mostly my youngest son. I tend to repeat the same phrase back to him for several weeks every time he complains about ANYTHING! If he says he is hungry I will say something to the extent of "Oh, you're not really hungry, you're just not as full as you'd like to be" This seems to slowly be getting the message home.
    I love how they tell us to do more. Then when we tell them it hurts more they say "Don't do that".
    I am simply amazed you were told to run!
  • I've been out of work on disability for a year. When family call or email I say I'm the same or to my Mom I say it's not so bad Mom I take pills but I think I'm getting better. I don't want to get my Mom or brothers down. I think they know how I feel as well as hubby since he does everything mostly around the house.I'm impressed you jogged so far K maybe walking is good for now right? Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I have suffered from panic anxiety disorder and major depression for nealy 13 years now. I take meds to help control these things and they have truly been a God send. Although since my injury at work some 27 months ago both have gotten worse.
    The one thing I learned when I was diagnosed was that I am not "Superwoman". I do have limits and I had to learn to let others know that - whether they like it or not. It has been the same way with this injury. A couple of months after I crushed my arm and we were getting nowhere my mom made a comment to me - something to the effect of "I dont know what I am going to do with you. You never do anything the easy way" My response to her was "well it is your fault not mine". She asked how she was responible for this and I simply said, "you always taught us growing up that if we were going to do something do it right the first time!" LOL - all she could say to that was "that is not exactly what I meant". But that one simple reply let her know how real all of this was. There have been many disappointments for me over the last 27 months and it is difficult to remain positive but with some help from some very understanding friends I have made it through. It helps that one of my friends has been put through the mill with WC so he understands what I am going thru and he too has been a God send for me. My best advice is "Dont be ashamed of your injury or your limitations. Go to the doctor and get some anti-depressants and some counseling. Just because you see a counselor does NOT mean you are crazy. And most importantly DONT worry about what others think - they dont know what you are going thru and until they have walked a mile in your shoes tell them to go jump in the lake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
  • WOW This is helping me!

    I am a person who goes around making everyone laugh. I am such a bubbly person and so fun to be with, but like you, I blow up so fast before I can even think about blowing up. I step back and go who in the heck is that person! LOL It is true and it does scare me because I begin to feel lost through the pain and through the frustration it brings.By my 11th surgery my friends seemed to have disappeared and I did not know what happened because I knew I did not do anything to them that I am aware of, and by the 12th surgery I have been going through most of it by myself with my God.

    So you are not alone my precious friend.

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