Seems like it was just yesterday when everything was going great. Then I had an accident at work. My leg started dragging behind me as I walked. Pain, this pain was something so hard to block with my mind. I've grit my teeth so hard to put up with it, that I've grounded down my teeth flat. The operation #1, at first i started crying as I woke up coming out of surgery saying to the nurses that I don't have that pain. This was promising. Not to learn to walk again and a 90 days in bed while I healed. Found that kissing my wife made me want to urinate. Brushing my teeth did the same. As I healed and learn to walk the pain seem to increase over time. Pain pills! lots of pain pills. Antidepressant's too because my manhood was slowly slipping a way. My wife had her need while I was still in bed healing so she thought it was OK to see other people to fulfill her urges. That sickness and health didn't mean to much to her. When she caught he father cheating on her mother as a child, it was ingrained into her that that was acceptable. Standing for any period of time has been my delema. When the doctor looked into what I was still having pain he said it was forming scare tissue and I needed another operation. Still wondering if it could have been done with a endoscope and not the massive hole carved into my back damaging all those tendons. I had to except what was going on and hoped that I'd get better. Well it didn't but for only a short period of time but it still had the limitations and pain medications. I liked dancing and picked that back up for a few years but then the pain started getting to intense again. Stronger pills and more pills. The last bone doctor said to fix the problem I'd need major back reconstruction surgery which would take two days to complete, going in through the front and back. Then there's all the hard wear they put in your back which would leave me perfectly stiff. For now he said we will just treat you with medication. The antidepressants have been doubled a couple weeks back and feeling better in my spirits. Still those thought do cross my mind where it would be better to end things. I was down to about 1 to 1 1/2 hours of standing until the cortisone shot in my back this week, which really helped out. The Kadian time release morphine seems to help a little bit too. It takes about 2 hours in the morning after waking up to stabbing pains of laying on the heating pad before I can stand to make a cup of coffee. Then it's back to the heating pad for several more hours to get my back and hips warmed up enough for another cup of coffee. Then I'll turn my computer on. I'm limited to a 1/2 hour to a couple hours of sitting before I need to take a break and lay back down on the heating pad. I looked at the last MRI next to the latest one I got last week an things just look worse every time I see them. Lifting things is a real trick and I try to use mechanical advantage. Living on SSI has been very hard and limits the doctors I can see or travel. I'm so lucky to be here in paradise where I don't want to leave. Driving takes it's toll on my back so I'm limited to a ten miles round trip and don't do that very often. Life is so different from being able to hop on the Harley and travel like I once did. The bikes are all gone and that love of my life is gone. Anyone that can keep a marriage going while going through this where things just keep getting worse. Money is a factor for depression too. I used to buy and sell computers and would have a new one every few weeks. Now my computers so old that I can't even run the newer programs. I put up with the older computer and the software I have. Doing work outside like taking care of the place takes so long to do anything. What would take a half day now takes days to weeks. I have to surrender to my predicament and know it's not doing to get any better. I'm not even trying to get involved with anyone because I don't want to put then through what I put my wife through. It's so hard for anyone to understand what you are going to and your pain levels. My big happiness right now is photographing the wildlife here along with the trees and flowers. That's something simple and something I can afford. There's always those thoughts in the back of your mind that you know you can't do anything about. New Computer, hope the car will keep running, want of a better cameras, add things to my telescope. At least seeing and interacting with the wildlife is a joy. Whether it's the deer, the skunks, the raccoons or turkeys some how they recognize that I'm damaged and cut me a lot of slack. Then there's the presents you try to have with others where it doesn't look like your disabled. I finally got the disability plate for the car because my ego stopped me from getting that. Now it's the back brace and knee braces just to walk and try not to limp. Hide at home where no one sees me to see what a mess I'm in. Sure as I read another post, those thoughts cross your mind all the time but the sane part is you keep them as thoughts. Very hard to keep my mellow zen like personality going at times. Crying, I stopped doing that years ago, eyes ran out of tears.
Out At Bob'shttp://outatbobs.spaces.live.comhttp://picasaweb.google.com/Outatbobshttp://www.flickr.com/photos/outatbobs/
Nature pictures taken here which keeps my mind in the plus zone.