Hello everyone -
I am just feeling really tired of constantly feeling tired and hurting and needing to ask for help. More than anything, I hate asking for help. My husband left this morning for six plus months in Afghanistan - and I had surgery last Wednesday for the morphine pump implant. You could say I am a bit angry that he is gone. I know he had to go, but at the same time I resent him for leaving me.
Does anyone else ever get weary of trying to make other people comprehend just exactly what it is we are going through? Is it possible for someone who has never experience this level of constant pain or been through so many medical procedures to really understand what is going on? I have been out of work for the last four weeks due to my back, and have been on FMLA. As a stroke of good luck (one could say) right after I went out my boss injured her back and had to be off work for a week. She called me to apologize for all the times she thought bad of me for when I had mentioned my back issues or had called out for the day because of them. She said she had truly never realized on any level what I must go through on a daily basis and she apologized for being so biased and ignorant. It made me feel good actually to hear her say this. I know that others offer to help me and say they are sorry I hurt so much, but I, like I am sure some of you have, have overheard their conversations about "just how bad can it be?"
I am tired of going to various medical providers and being immediately stereotyped as a drug seeker because my medical issue is back pain. I HATE THAT. I inevitably get asked if I am only there seeking drugs - especially if I have to visit the ER. I can go asking only to get an X-ray after taking a fall to make sure I have not hurt myself or my spine and REFUSE any drugs, my chart is still notated as "possible drug seeking". Why??????? Can't the medical world stop being so biased against us and simply treat us? Maybe there would be fewer of us with severe cases if they actually treated us early as patients instead of as druggies.
Overall, I am just so tired of hurting. I can't remember what it is like to not hurt when going about everyday life. I know my family and friends care and will help, but i wish they could have that level of comprehension that will be forever beyond their reach (unless they develop back issues, which I do not wish upon them).
I stumbled across this site by accident, and it is nice to see a place where I can read and see where others actually "get it". Thank you for allowing me to vent and do not think poorly of me for doing so. I guess I needed to do so to people who would truly understand where I was coming from, and not to people who would just nod sympathetically and say "I'm sorry" but not understand what I was talking about!!!