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Childish,immature,selfish,spoiled brat for a husband(and he's 52)

sagehenssagehen Posts: 221
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:32 AM in Matters of the Heart
I tell you,I have just about had it...no I have had it.If it wasn't for my 6 year old daughter and the inability to provide for myself,I think I would,could, just call it quits.We have been emotionally divorced for many years,but,at a time when I was seriously considering divorce,we recieved a phone call from a relative of my husbands,his niece was 7 months pregnant and was going to give the baby to some friends.(friends with 4 kids living on welfare)So you can probably guess the rest of the story.
So now...as I have,over the last few years,had so many spine and pain issues,and am no longer "super-Taun" he is a total jerk.My new primary Dr has suggested I have my husband come in and talk with him,so he can explain some of the problems I'm having,along with the treatments needed.My husband won't go.My last surgery,I insisted he be there,he kind of groaned and squirmed,and said "why do I have to be there?"....uhhhhh! I could scream.He just rolls his eyes if I make any comment on how I am feeling.So,I don't say much. And I'm not a whiner in the first place.But what really is disturbing,is that he minimizes my situation to my daughter.He does this by making light of how mom feels,he's disrespectful to me and says things to her like"mom's an old lady"he even told her "you don't need a mommy,just a daddy".When confronted about this kind of C@@p,he says"what,it's just a joke".
I live for the days and nights when he is working.Even though I do need some help sometimes,I'd rather be alone than deal with his response to asking for help.Which is usually"what,you can do it",or like that of a kid when you tell them to take the trash out and they argue about it to the point that you finally say"I'll do it myself!" I can ask him to do something and he will put more energy into arguing and debating,than it would take to actually do it.
He doesn't know how to balance a checkbook,pay a bill,hell,read a bill.I am on overload physically,emotionally and every other ally.
What set me off this time,is last night I was in such pain and agony(result of overdoing it yesterday,had a yardsale)and just wanted,needed to lie down.He was on days off,I wanted to just lay on the couch for awhile,not have to do anything.So....he went to bed at 6:30! Needless to say,I didn't get to rest.But I did manage to get my daughter to bed by about 8:30,and me too. What is this all about,I don't know....I'm just sick of being married to somebody that puts on such a "great guy" show in front of everybody,(he has countless emotional affairs)then makes life so difficult at home.He will argue about everything,and my 6 year old does the same thing....it is exhausting.
I just want to quit.And I just might,if I get my disability.
Thanks for listening....I need another muscle relaxer.


  • RangerRRanger on da rangePosts: 805
    I am so sorry to hear what you are dealing with. For whatever it is worth you need to talk to a counselor with your husband which I'm sure would be difficult to get him to go. It is ok to kid about your discomfort once or twice but for him to continue on is downright abusive. No one knows what you are going through unless they have been there and that means more than once.
    You sound to be a very strong person, keep your head up and move forward.
    There is a wealth of support here, be sure to let us continue to help you.
    Take care and my thoughts are with you,
  • Thanks,you know even having people on here give me encouragement is something hard to adjust to.I cannot believe I have let myself become such a nonperson.You're right ,I am a strong person,and I hooked up with somebody that saw that in me too.But, being the queen of dysfunction,I didn't get it,I mistook being taken advantage of for being needed. In addition to being codependant and a Senior in highschool,I should not have been making decisions like getting married,but I was also headstrong,thought I was in love,and desparate to get away from sexual abuse from my stepdad.
    I began learning how to do things differently several years ago. That's when my relationships started to change.My expecting them to not to be one-sided turned alot of people off.As long as I could take care of myself,bring in a big paycheck,take care of the house,yard, finances etc... things ran pretty smooth.When I needed to not work,have surgery,adopt a baby,and was not able to take care of everything,things got nasty. And continue be and in fact are getting unbareable.Like I said ,a spoiled child throwing a fit because everything is not done for him,like it used to be. I am going to a counselor,starting again in July,in the meantime I just come here to rant and rave.My friends know the situation,and we try to laugh about it.But sometimes it gets to me,like today.So thanks for the reply,it means a whole lot. Sagehen
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  • Hi Sagehen,

    I've been were you are at (sigh!). What you are experiencing is emotional abuse. Yep, the snarky comments, which they proclaim are "just a joke", is thinly veiled cruelty. These people have major issues.

    In my case, there was substance abuse, (on his part; I don't drink or drug and never did), and lots of it! Is there any of this going on in your situation? The behavior sounds the same. Everything is about THEM.

    Two days before our second child was born, I broke my ankle (lucky me!). His attitude was as if "how dare I need help!" When we brought the baby home from the hospital, we needed things from the store; he refused to go! So, I dragged myself, cast and all, out to the store. When I came back, I asked him to help me bring the things in from the car, in the pouring rain. He layed there on the couch (surrounded by many empty bottles) and looked at me and said, " I don't want to put my shoes on and go out in the rain". And, "besides, you (me) need the exercise to loose that baby weight." Nice guy, huh?

    Anywho, it was even further downhill from there. I kicked him out almost six years ago and you know what? My life and that of my kids improved by leaps and bounds. I've made a pretty good living for myself and my kids. My kids are happy and healthy and honor students too! I refused to raise them in such an awful environment. This was the best decision I have ever made in my life, and I have never looked back.

    I didn't mean to write a novel here, but as "Dear Abby" says, ask yourself if you would be better off with, or without, this person. For me, that was real easy to answer.

    I'm hear to listen.


  • It seems to me that your husband refuses to be an adult and definately comes off as self centered and egotistic. He doesn't want to grow up to assume the responsibilities of being a man.

    I don't know what to tell you other than I understand how tough of a situation you're in. It's so wrong of him to bad mouth and demean you in front of your daughter. I think it's a wonderful thing you did, taking her in. It takes a special, caring person to do that. She certainly deserves a better father figure. By the way, I'm sure you are an incredible MOM =D>

    I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this on top of the pain you have every day. I know that you are a strong, independent, resourceful woman who can overcome any obstacle. Once you win that disability, you will have more to fall back on and I hope it makes things easier for you.

    Right now you need to take care of YOU- limit exposure to stress as reasonably possible. As you know, stress leads to more pain. Can you stay with family or friends sometimes? I'm sure they are more supportive than the old man at home. I sure hope that he has a change of heart and also change his selfish ways. You can't change a person...they have to admit they wrong first and then want to make changes. It's up to you how long you want to put up with the situation.

    I really do hope that things work out between the both of you, and that he will go to your appts and counseling. Hang in there sweetie >:D<
  • Hey thanks Meydey,
    you're right about the stress...you know .I am thankful for alot of things...but I'm also human.It just gets old and ever so tiresome.
    Thanks for the good mom...I am a good mom. Sagehen
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  • A lot of times people have mental disturbances that are so disruptive in our lives that we reflect their ineptness onto ourselves. Even though we may KNOW someone else is the problem, the part of ourselves that struggle to understand and then fix issues far overrides what we are meant to see. My fiance is the same as well...it took me some time but I have discovered he has a coupling of mental problems. He is narcissistic with a VERY irritating and annoying personality called: passive - aggressive personality. If you get a chance to look at those, once you get angry (which you will, like never before), you will be able to decide what is best for you. I am also Ill and unable to care for myself and I am also in height for social security. I have one child from a previous marriage and another on the way from this man. The problem is, I figured out way after I got pregnant that he was incapable of anything normal. I'm struggling through it. Good Luck and God Bless!
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