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Self Pity- WARNING: this is a very long rant FYI

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,321
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:36 AM in Matters of the Heart

Please forgive the following...I need a way to vent because I have no one I can talk to at this time of the day...I have had an exceptionally bad week...Besides, I'm crying and wailing like a 3 yr old I'm having a total "hate my life moment". I got out of work at 12:15am, sent home early because it was dead. I have not been to bed yet because I wanted to be able to spend a few minutes with my boyfriend while he was getting ready for National Guard duty...he gets up, uses toilet, flushes toilet, gets in the shower while I am trying to talk to him. I walk into the bathroom, floor is soaking wet...Yay overflowing toilet...magazines, bills a new package of toilet paper laying all over the bathroom floor soaking up toilet water...yay aren't I lucky? I take it upon myself to fix the problem because you do not want to be late in the Army...I bend over to pick everything off the floor. OW! Then, I have to go outside to get the 5 gallon shop vac from off the porch so I can suck up the water...Problem is, night before last, our old water bed died and leaked and had to be drained which took 6 and 1/2 hours between the siphon and the shop vac, regardless, I went to retrieve shop vac from porch and it is still full of water from the bed. 18 months ago, it would've hurt yes, but I still would have been able to pick it up to dump it out...not anymore! So, I have to use a pitcher to bale (sorry about spelling, I really don't care at this time) so finally, I get enough water out that I can lift it up and dump the rest of the water out...I take it to the bathroom and start sucking up the water...ow ow ow ow...when I finish, It takes me a good 2 minutes to stand straight up again, and it is agony...I'm trying so hard to hold back the tears because my boyfriend whom I love so much will end up being late and get in trouble because he will want to comfort me, help me, tell me everything will be ok, so on. (This is such a HUGE part of why I love him, because as gawd awful and corny as it sounds, I do feel better lots of the times when he does comfort me) I can't let him do that so, I fight back those damn tears, and go to the kitchen to grab an icepack, open freezer, no icepack..."HONEY, IS YOUR COOLER IN THE HOUSE OR DID YOU LEAVE IT IN YOUR CAR?" I'm sure you can guess the answer....So, as of that exact moment, he is already running late and wants to go out to his car and bring the icepack back into me, this causes a minor argument because I have to convince him that trying to stop me from going out to get it myself would involve too much time that he doesn't have. He knows how stubborn I am, and for once actually gives in quickly...so i go out at the same time as him, and he says he's got, I tell him I'll get it, and once again realizes this is an argument he'll be happier if he just gives up. Good thing because I grab cooler, no ice pack, bend over again...(really ow!") tell him I love him, have a good day, drive safe, yada yada, yada. I turn around and start walking back towards the apartment and the damn breaks....tears gushing out of my face and horrible noises...this is not the end of a romantic comedy without a funny ending kind of cry, this is hysterics, snot running down my face, hyper ventilating, moaning bad cry...but at least I held it together so he could hopefully not be late for his 1st formation. He didn't see it, I'm sure as he was driving off, some of the neighbors probably assumed he had either beaten the crap out of me or asked for a divorce...Now I am typing this, as I let a xanax dissolve under my tongue and wonder if It's really bad if I take an extra opana??? I am calming down, but I hurt so bad...I've become so depressed that it scares me a little. I'm not suicidal and hope it doesn't progress to that. I have been there before. I think I'm ready (for surgery) I've been dead set against it since the very first time I heard that horrifying word come out of a Dr's mouth while talking about/to me. But now I think I'm ready. I'm so done with the pain. I'm done with waking myself up crying loudly in my sleep, I'm done with having to lay in bed and take a pain pill and wait for it to start working before I even try to get out of the bed. I'm done with being a miserable, cranky emotional, withdrawn bitch to the people I care so much about. I'm done with never wanting to do anything on my days off. I'm done with rarely having quality time with the love of my life. I'm done with being scared about how bad the pain will be that day. I'm done with obsessing over my pain pills and always knowing they will never take away all the pain, and having to fight with myself because I know If I take an extra, I will run out before I can get them refilled...I'm just done being a 32 year old woman that feels like I'm locked in the body of a 90 year old...I'm done...if letting a surgeon cut me open and stick bone grafts and/or plastic and screws and rods into me and having to be on short term disability for 6 weeks to 3 months and go stir crazy from being cooped up in the house with little to no human contact other than my boyfriend can take ANY of the pain away even if it's only a 5-10% reduction, I'm ready! I can't keep going the way I am now. I don't know how to make it all happen though. Everything we own of any value is in a pawn shop, we are struggling so hard to pay the bills every month, I don't know how we'll make it when the short term disability only pays 60% of my current income while we are already barely surviving on my full income as well as my boyfriends??? How do we do this and not lose everything? Could someone please tell me why I pay for under insured motorist coverage just to have my insurance company jerking me around since 7/26/08? They haven't even made an offer of any of the $$$. They are trying to get out of paying because my back was previously injured...even though my condition was stable and i was only taking naproxen, flexerill & Lortabs and my MRI still showed a well maintained disc-height-space. The MRI that was done 2 months after the car accident shows a small black line where there used to be a pretty thick bright white chunk of tissue with a big bulge...Dr says the disc is gone...yes, the epidural/nerve block injection did help relive my sciatica symptoms, but didn't do a damn thing for my back pain. So, Dr says pain is coming from my bones being inflamed from grinding against each other because there is no disc there cushioning the bones anymore. No wonder I'm in so much pain? No wonder My Dr has me on Opana and oxycodone now. No wonder I had to consult with a surgeon, No wonder the at fault driver's insurance gave me the entire amount of liability insurance that he had...Nice...and to think I was Naive enough to believe that my car insurance company would take care of me and pay a legitimate claim! I've already accumulated $20K (ballpark) of medical expenses since the accident, and we only got $15k from the other driver (state minimums for liability insurance on a vehicle are a joke!)Anyway, I have not personally seen 1 red cent, my lawyer supposedly hasn't either, but they took the $15k check and have been " disbursing it to my medical providers???? I need my insurance company to do the decent thing and pay out...I'm not being greedy. I just need enough $ to pay the dr's whatever my health insurance won't (which may be a considerable amount especially with a surgery) I need to be able to get our belongings back out of the pawn shops, pay off a couple of HUGE past due bills and have a little $ left in the bank to help pay the bills while I am recovering from surgery!!!! If anyone read this, I'm sorry. I needed to get that off my chest badly...I am out of tears for the time being, but I've noticed of late, they sure do refill themselves pretty damn quick...I need to get my fattening butt off of this pity pot, However, that seems to be 1 thing I am NOT done with...

I would greatly appreciate any words of wisdom, any re-assuring words Really anything, if you all want to call me a pathetic whining selfish dumb b&#@h too, thats fine. I'd probably agree with every word...Or if anyone else wants to go off about their own baggage, I welcome it too...After all, misery LOVES company, right
Thanks all


  • I'm not going to be company to your misery, as that can sometimes make things worse, but I will say I read your post, and understand where you're coming from. Better days will be ahead, I'm sure!! It's okay to let it out, that's what we're here for!!! I do hope that your xanax acts quickly, and you feel a little better. Have you talked to your doc about anti-depressants? It will help with your depression and anxiety, too. I do hope that your day gets better. Take some slow, deep breaths, have a hot bath, relax, get dressed in your comfiest jammies and have a nap if you can, then restart your day afresh. Leave the shopvac and everything else for when your honey to take care of when he gets home, and let him hold you and comfort you then. Just a few short hours!!! I hope your day does get better, and if you ever need to vent more, have at it, we're here.
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • Now that was hard to read on a mini dell! Man I hope you are feeling a bit better today. Trust me things will get better. Some days sure are longer than others. You really need to talke something for stress. I would also be calling that insurance company and attorney's office to find out the deal!

    Try not to take so much on and get him to help as much as possible. I understand the toliet overflowing but there are things that can wait. Just try to relax and keep on the doctors as well to find the cure to give you some relief.

    Good luck Heather.
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  • Not in your shoes at the moment but I have been. Nothing I say will magically make things better but please be a little kinder to yourself. Not surprising you got to the "ugly-crying" stage when so much happened at once. You must be pretty strong to keep yourself together till after your honey left the house. It is good that you let it all out here and know that spiney's will understand and may have some advice you can use. Sorry not to have any answers but the biggest gentle hug is sent your way and hope for a better day and some improvement of your circumstances- Hugs n' Loves - Paula
  • and i think each and everyone of us has been there at one point. I hope you do feel better today and im sorry about your insurance not helping. I have ofter wondered why we pay for it also when they do nothing for us when we need them to. Mine isnt from a car accident but i do know all of us who have insurance any type car, medical, home we all have had to deal with one or maybe all of them and they definately dont make it easy.

    Have you sat down with your boyfriend and figured the bills and the 60% std benefit. I do this with my husband when something comes up and we need to get things taken care of. anyway just hoping your better and i know what the tears are like i have had them flowing for the last two weeks. good luck and keep us posted
  • I sure can relate to how you feel. It does suck the big one - no doubt about that. Funny, the part about how you know if you take an extra pain pill you'll be out early - I can so relate to that. I hear people say, well save up for a rainy day. They are all rainy and they all suck! I like one nice sunny pretty much pain-free day occasionally. Hell we all deserve that..
    Take care, hope you feel better.. Marion
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  • Hi

    Maybe you were crying so much because your boyfriend has just gone away. That is every reason to break down in floods of tears and while painful, surely perfectly normal. If he helps you a lot it would be like a double grief too, no boyfriend around to help you and also, sounds like you know you will miss him like crazy. Most women would be in floods if their boyfriend was going away. If am wrong about him going away and he just went to work for the day am sorry but perhaps that triggers you as well, the thought of coping by yourself all day.

    Sounds like only 2 months since you had a car accident which made you worse.

    Pain is demoralising and depressing. You seem to be someone who doesnt want to be a burden on your partner while at the same time desparately needing practical emotional help and support during the day as well. It's a tug of war. I hope you feel better soon, sounds lame but do sympathise.
  • ps dont be so hard on yourself.

    You didnt burden anybody all this crying you did on your own.
  • I'm sorry to hear all this is happening right now to you. Do get a second opionion Neuro or OrthoSurgeon before you consider surgery. I know about floods also, I had the 60 gallon hot water tank blow in my basement with my Mother's only belongings there while she was in Florida on the floor getting wet and had to lift some off the floor and the insurance company never showed up at first. Do call your Insurance company as the floor underneath and the walls can get ruined from mold if not dried or if necessary replaced by them. I'm living on long term disability and things have been tight also. Have you tried an extended relief medication to help you through the night so it's not so awful to get out of bed? Take care and hang in there. We're here to validate and support you. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • take you where the grace of God will not protect you! I am praying for you today that you can get through all of this. Keep your head up.

  • It's OK to vent here, most people here can understand similar feelings.

    I'm glad you have an understanding boyfriend, support is so important.

    You seem to be completely overwhelmed right now, a totally justified feeling in your situation. Having surgery can sometimes make you feel a little depressed even in the best circumstances. You seem like a woman who is used to taking care of yourself and thinking of others, but for a while you will have to accept that you can't do as much until you heal.

    If you are not already seeing some sort of counselor, you might consider it. Many employers offer a limited number of FREE visits to an Employee Assistance Program(EAP) run by counselors and completely confidential. Also, if you are not on an anti-depressant, you might discuss with your doctor if that might be appropriate. It won't change your circumstances, but might help change the way you feel about it and help you utilize your coping mechanisms better. They can take around 4 weeks to kick in, so if you and your doctor think it might help, it might be best to start sooner than later. I know a prescription is another cost, but many are very inexpensive. I'm not endorsing Wal-mart, but it is one of many pharmacies that have an inexpensive prescription program. Many anti-depressants are only $4 per month there.

    I hope you are feeling better after your meltdown! For myself, I know sometimes it just helps me to talk or write it down. Please know that folks are always here to listen and please post an update for us.

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