Hi everyone. Some may know me, others may not! My name is Nancy and I have been riding this chronic pain roller coaster for 5 years now, since I was rear-ended in 2004. I have 3 discs in my neck that need to be removed- they are actually turning black and severe osteoarthritis- neuro said my neck looks like an 80 year olds! So I desperately need surgery but that isn't going to happen any time soon. I also cannot keep employment due to my injuries- they fire me because of doctors appointments, inability to lift, or because I am a "liability". My neck is so unstable that if I hit my head the wrong way I could wind up paralyzed!
I had so much going on recently- me losing my PM doctor which turned out to be a blessing as I now have much better pain management thanks to my wonderful pcp who seems to get pain more than 90% of pain management doctors out there! He was able to see how rapidly I had deteriorated...and even though I have much better pain control, I am still unable to work full time or spend a lot of time doing much of anything honestly for more than a few hours! Even going to the movies will cause a great deal of pain, sad isn't it LOL!
I have no money, no computer, no nothing really. Like many I was denied by social security and since the insurance company is appealing an 11-1 verdict I am stuck borrowing money from my stepfather which is subject to his whims. I had to sign a note through my lawyer to get him to loan me the money so that I might be able to live with a roommate- my only other option is living in my car. He also lends me the money to get my meds, but not for food or other things. My lawyer does not help at all. I feel so stuck and I am so tired!! I have no family support, my mother who had to have an L5-S1 fusion and could never work after because it caused too much pain thinks I can work at Lowe's!!! Um, and neck pain causes lower back pain, hello!! And to top it off, I was working for my stepfather and he has let me go- of course he hasn't even bothered to tell me that yet! I am exhausted and mentally beat down...
My only saving grace is my wonderful boyfriend! He was a nurse so he is one of the few who get how serious my injury is! I met him in a mental hospital last year when I wanted to kill myself because I was in so much pain and didn't want to live anymore if the pain was never going to improve. He was a nurse there, LOL and we got to talking and we were from the same town, I knew his cousin, etc. He found me on Facebook a year later and asked me out (we went to the same high school as well so it wasn't too hard to find me). Now we have been dating a while and he is looking at engagement rings and wants to marry me in the next couple of years! He is loving and supportive, I could not ask for a better boyfriend! He even goes with me to all of my doctors appointments! But I am afraid he is eventually going to see me as a burden and want to leave for someone who is not injured or disabled because sometimes that is all I see myself as. I know he loves me and I love him with all of my heart! I am just being dumb aren't I?
I hope this makes sense, sorry if it doesn't, I am typing through tears right now...I never knew love like this could exist or happen to me...I am terrified of losing it!! I hope you all are having small pain days and good days- sending prayers and love.