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been a long time and I am sorry

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,208
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:39 AM in Matters of the Heart
Hi everyone. Some may know me, others may not! My name is Nancy and I have been riding this chronic pain roller coaster for 5 years now, since I was rear-ended in 2004. I have 3 discs in my neck that need to be removed- they are actually turning black and severe osteoarthritis- neuro said my neck looks like an 80 year olds! So I desperately need surgery but that isn't going to happen any time soon. I also cannot keep employment due to my injuries- they fire me because of doctors appointments, inability to lift, or because I am a "liability". My neck is so unstable that if I hit my head the wrong way I could wind up paralyzed!

I had so much going on recently- me losing my PM doctor which turned out to be a blessing as I now have much better pain management thanks to my wonderful pcp who seems to get pain more than 90% of pain management doctors out there! He was able to see how rapidly I had deteriorated...and even though I have much better pain control, I am still unable to work full time or spend a lot of time doing much of anything honestly for more than a few hours! Even going to the movies will cause a great deal of pain, sad isn't it LOL!

I have no money, no computer, no nothing really. Like many I was denied by social security and since the insurance company is appealing an 11-1 verdict I am stuck borrowing money from my stepfather which is subject to his whims. I had to sign a note through my lawyer to get him to loan me the money so that I might be able to live with a roommate- my only other option is living in my car. He also lends me the money to get my meds, but not for food or other things. My lawyer does not help at all. I feel so stuck and I am so tired!! I have no family support, my mother who had to have an L5-S1 fusion and could never work after because it caused too much pain thinks I can work at Lowe's!!! Um, and neck pain causes lower back pain, hello!! And to top it off, I was working for my stepfather and he has let me go- of course he hasn't even bothered to tell me that yet! I am exhausted and mentally beat down...

My only saving grace is my wonderful boyfriend! He was a nurse so he is one of the few who get how serious my injury is! I met him in a mental hospital last year when I wanted to kill myself because I was in so much pain and didn't want to live anymore if the pain was never going to improve. He was a nurse there, LOL and we got to talking and we were from the same town, I knew his cousin, etc. He found me on Facebook a year later and asked me out (we went to the same high school as well so it wasn't too hard to find me). Now we have been dating a while and he is looking at engagement rings and wants to marry me in the next couple of years! He is loving and supportive, I could not ask for a better boyfriend! He even goes with me to all of my doctors appointments! But I am afraid he is eventually going to see me as a burden and want to leave for someone who is not injured or disabled because sometimes that is all I see myself as. I know he loves me and I love him with all of my heart! I am just being dumb aren't I?

I hope this makes sense, sorry if it doesn't, I am typing through tears right now...I never knew love like this could exist or happen to me...I am terrified of losing it!! I hope you all are having small pain days and good days- sending prayers and love.


  • like ya said long time no see but not forgotten! keep swinging even when ya think ya cant coz soemtimes you get a couple in! Good for you on a wonderful other half and dont be so hard on yaself K? sometimes its misconstrued as something the other half feels they did, or.. they may fell frustrated at tryin and trying to help and cant, make them feel that you value the effort. keep the chinnny up gal!
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 13,562
    to see you online again Nancy. It is also very good to read that you have someone in your life know that is good for you and watches over you. I know you have had some difficulties with this in that past.
    I hope that you get along the best you can and can become as pain free as possible.
    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 
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  • Hi Nancy,

    I'm so sorry to hear you're in so much pain. How great for you to have found someone who loves you as much as your boyfriend does. Don't worry too much about losing him. Firstly, he obviously adores you just as you are and although you see yourself as you do, he can clearly see through that to your personality, which will always be the same. Secondly, he wasn't obliged to ask you out; he did it through choice. In other words, I doubt he'd ever leave you!

    I often look at my changed appearance, because being almost bedridden has led to a weight increase, but I know that no-one can ever change the 'me' inside ie my personality, and that's what your boyfriend adores - you and your personality.

    Trust what he says; he wouldn't have wanted to go out with you in the first place if he didn't like you, so it's obvious that he loves the real you.

    I'm glad you've finally found so much happiness in your life.

  • It's good to see you back. I'm sorry for all you've been going through, but what a wonderful thing that's happened with your boyfriend.

    The reality is that your boyfriend is a nurse and understands what you're going through. If he thought that he might one day want someone who doesn't have back problems he never would've asked you to marry him. He met you in your darkest hour and knows how special you are, whether you have spine problems or not.

    Congratulations on having a wonderful man in your life that sees you for the wonderful woman you are. Sounds like a match made in heaven.

  • well!!!!........... judging by what you are saying i dont think your boyfriend is going anywhere!!!!
    im glad to see you back on the forum and im so sorry for your pain.
    dont let those tears get you down .......we all have those days!!!!think it goes hand in hand with a chronic illness :''( :''( :''( :''( :''( :''( :''(

    chat soon

    LOVE P
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  • Thank you all for your comments!! They are all true- he fusses at me for only seeing myself as my injury rather than the whole me- who I think he sees more clearly than most everyone else! I adore him and he keeps me sane when it feels like my world is crashing down around my ears- he has even paid for my medicine when I couldn't afford it because he can't stand to watch me suffer! And he really can't afford to do so either! So you guys are right as usual, I need to stop being so hard on myself!! It just gets so frustrating, losing jobs and not really being able to work while the insurance company continues to jerk me around!

    Love and prayers to all of you and thank you so much for listening!!
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