Hey guys i dont know why i'm burdening you with this but i feel like i have to get my problems off my chest!. Here's my situation so bear with me please!.
Bascically im going through a load of problems at the moment. Long story short..my brother passed away suddenly when i was in college less than 2 years ago, family wasnt coping and still battling to cope you could say, i have my up's and down's but have been so protective of my family ever since to even have time to mourn. I dont even go to his grave cus i cant bear it..makes me feel guilty. Just the thought of seeing his body at the morgue when identifying his body always replays in my mind.
In my final year in college and it has been VERY stressful and for a number of reasons. Some of my lecturers are very bad and there's no point complaining cus nothing changes. I have zero motivation due to depression (i think? how do you know your depressed,i feel terrible?), lack of concentration,too much anxiety about my families well being (cant imagine another one dying,its too hard),no confidence in myself,lost my faith in god,dont know what career path i want anymore..list goes on.
On top of that..as if it couldnt get worse i also have to have an operation to remove a part of my rod in my back because it popped out (its very uncomfortable). This will be my 4th op (had scoliosis) and im so fustrated!. I have exams next week and the last thing i want hanging over me is another operation.
Ever since my brother passing away i just have been lying to myself that ill be alrite. I have put on alot of weight (you wouldnt tell but i know i have), been eating crap,drinking alcohol alot (not crazy though but dosnt help).I hardly sleep cus of my aniexty and i have a slight insomnia problem.
My attitude has been poor, dont like meeting or talking to people cus im always bitter. Ill talk to people but if i can ill avoid it.Im too negative and too tired to strike up conversations. Im so tired the whole time,fatigue is so high. I just feel like S**t basically. My back slightly hurts too alot but not as bad as some of yours do people so i wont make that an issue.
I feel a little lonely,havent had a girlfriend in a while..just havent connected with new women ever since my brother's passing,I have so many problems i couldnt have a girlfriend but it would be nice to connect again with someone cus my friends all around me have girlfriends and it fills me with envy sometimes.
Just feel lost in life and i have exams next week i havent really studied for..ive tried to study so hard but when i have no motivation or desire and im not focused its just too hard!..i get mad that i cant study and it even furthers me into a deeper slump for feeling stupid and unproductive.
I really dont know what to do..i feel like im going to have a nervous breakdown or something!. Any advice would be grateful!. Thanks for listening,i know i wrote alot so i appreciate it alot!..just needed to get it all off my chest!.