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Grunting, groaning, crying, sniffling, noises of pain, owwwing, husband is getting tired of it.

blackberrybunnybblackberrybunny Posts: 157
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:42 AM in Matters of the Heart
Hello all.
Bless my mother's heart. Years ago, she started having her own degenerative disc disease problems in her thoracic region. I never realized what kind of pain she was in, but I've had my thoracic area burn before, but that is not my problem--mine is lumbar. Point is, she was in terrible pain and I used to (mentally) roll my eyes and just get soooooooo tired of hearing her grunt or groan or make some kind of noise when she hurt. Like when we'd get in and out of the car. Or at home. How she's holler when she'd lie down. I hated it, not only because she was hurting, but because it got on my nerves.
Karma got me.


Because now I am 41, and if you any of read my other posts, you'd know I have annular tears in L4-L5 and L5-S1 and I need a multi level spinal fusion to fix it. NOW I am the ONE making the noises.

Now I am the one grunting and groaning and literally crying when I have to sit down, when mom and I shop all day, getting in and out of the car, I literally cry from the pain. I fear my husband is getting tired of it. I've been trying so hard to keep the noises in, but not when I'm alone (!), but keeping the noises in still can't hide the sniffling that comes from the tears squeezing out of my eyes. It's worse than grunting, the crying, right?

What do you do to deal with this? What do you do when you fear your spouse is getting sick of it? I hate it when he get gout and gruns and oooohs and ahhhhs, and here I am, at a pain scale of 6 - 7 most days, and he has to see me walk all bent over and funny. It's taken away from my ability to walk sexy like a woman should. It has stolen my womanhood from me. Now it is stealing my husband's sanity.

What can I do? I'm already crying--the other night he hinted at how it's a burden to his heart to hear me all the time msking these pain noises.

What can I do, what can I do, I lament?
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13

Comments

  • Is your Mom out of pain now? If so that would be good. It could be heredity that's got you rather than karma with the DDD. When is your surgery? Hopefully that will help though it's not guaranteed. but right now maybe you're doing too much. I can't shop or do much housekeeping without bringing on a ton of pain. and moaning... I had to go back to my Dr. many times to get some pain relief meds that help and injections. It's so hard for your loved ones to see you suffer so and I understand.
    Maybe just venting it out here or talking to your Dr. may help. I try to go out for a walk almost everyday to get some exercise and give my husband a break. It's really hard to deal with this and we can only hope there will be something in the near future to help like surgery or new advancements in research.
    Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I'll be honest, I just rarely do it. I really can't stand it when others do. My kids especially will notice I'm sighing a lot, but I don't do the moaning groaning thing.

    But I'll tell you what struck me in your message. You're doing too much. Adjusting your level of activity is going to be one of the things that keeps your pain level under control.

    As for husbands, well, gotta love 'em. Give him some time to get used to this. I think rather than making pain noises, it might help to discuss your new activity limitations with him. This is something the two of you need to develop a system to deal with, since it looks like some level of disability is permanent.

    Personally, I make mine do the laundry ;)
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  • Hello,
    R Sternbach the eminent Pm doctor, suggests that in behavioural terms we should ignore the negative and focus only on the positive. As you say, it sometimes seems that you have no control or are unaware that you are doing this, in emphasising or making this noise what do you hope to gain.

    It is always difficult for our loved ones when they are unable to help with the pain in what they feel should be a supportive role towards us. In recognising inappropriate behaviour it perpetuates that response on each occasion, even you are questioning what purpose it does serve.

    Although these may seem to develop subconsciously we could have more control than we think and it is up to us to determine how useful they are.

    The construct of pain behaviour

    “Although pain is a personal and subjective
    experience, the fact that someone is experiencing
    pain is often apparent to others. People who have
    pain may vocalize their distress by moaning, crying
    or complaining, or may exhibit pain-related body
    postures or facial expressions. These verbal and
    nonverbal behaviors have been called pain
    behaviors because they serve to communicate
    the fact that pain is being experienced (Fordyce,
    1976).” (Keefe, Williams & Smith, 2001, p. 170,



    To be fair we are in pain and in attempting to hide these cues from others we do well, it is a balance of disclosure and not allowing these traits to dominate how others deal with us and seek proper expression of that daily challenge many here face.

    Pain behaviour is a fascinating topic and well researched on the Net.

    Take care John


  • John, great point. It isn't that I don't want others to know I have pain- I do communicate, because there are limits to what I can do and if I don't tell people why, they figure I just don't feel like doing them.

    But if I am doing something that causes me so much pain, I figure it's my job to step back and ask... "do I HAVE to be doing this thing? Can I delegate it? Does it add to my life?" If I can delegate it, I delegate it. If I don't NEED to do it, I don't do it.

    But of course, that often means saying "You know what, I can't manage that. Could you do it for me?" And that, I think, is much harder to do emotionally than just doing it yourself and dealing with the pain.
  • A lot of what you guys are saying sounds very Zen.

    But how do you STOP making the sounds? How do you not cry out in pain when you sit down on the couch and it hurts to bad it makes you cry? How do you hold it in? Sometimes, mom and I can be out at a restaurant and I'll get such a sharp out of the blue stabbing pain it makes me yelp. How do you guys control it?
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  • Blackberrybunny,

    Greetings! As you can see by my sig, most of my spine hates me! I have learned "what actions" for the most part make me hurt, or using your words, grunt, groan, yelp etc. I've practiced a few different ways to say sit and get up, bend over, stand up etc. I also hold my breath sometimes when I know "its gonna hurt" a bit. That seems to help - but yeah, the urrrrr, aaahhhgg OUCH does occasionally come out.

    Nothing you can really do if you get a surprise "zinger", and most people will only casually notice an "ouch, grrr, wow" in say a restaurant. I have on occasion did a small chuckle after a zing makes me say "ouch" in public. Most folks will think you hit your elbow or something and forget about it!

    My hubby over the years knows I take a bit more time getting up, or getting things done - he even helps. As another member before me posted (excellent observation by the way), part of what might be going on with you, you are doing TOO much! Let your body be your guide if you can. "Normals" do to much they are sore for a day or so, "US"...heh, could be a week! See if cutting back a bit helps? Take care. Gentle supportive *hug*

    Brenda
    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Before my surgery, uncontrollable grunts n'groans of pain would escape and like you my posture was like quasi modo-not pretty! I seemed to spend more time apologising for my behaviour. As all the other posts have suggested perhaps you are trying to do too much and perhaps your doc. could help with more appropriate medication. When I asked my husband how he could put up with such a "wreck" he said he wasn't angry with me, just frustrated that he couldn't help with my pain or mobility. Now I have learnt that it's OK to admit my pain is "killing me" or that certain movements are beyond my abilities.I hope you are able to find something to help reduce your pain. Gentle Hugs n' Loves - Paula
  • Hi Puala and Brenda, thanks so much for your replies.

    One thing you both said stands out--that I'm doing too much. I must chuckle to myself, you see, as I am disabled. I have been legally blind since I was born so I have never been able to drive. My husband and I live wayyyy out in the country, no stores, nowhere to even walk to, no neighbors. So you see, the reason I laugh is because I am home all day, alone, while he is at work, and believe me, I don't do much. Because there isn't MUCH to do!! LOL

    I do the usual things a housewife does--(Oh, and I have never had any kids, nor brothers or sisters, so it's just me and my sweetheart)--- I do a couple of loads of laundry a week. I mop the vacuum once a week. Our house is very verys small, its the smallest mobile home they make. One bedroom, one tiny bathroom. Not much to clean. So you see, I don't do a lot. And I feel guilty for not being a good housekeeper this past year.

    We have fives acees of wilderness here, like I said, we are in the boonies, and my husband has carved out 7 beautiful nature trails over the years for us to enjoy. I take my dog, Rudolf, on good daysm, for a walk on them. We have our own state park in our backyardm, or at least, it's easy to pretend we do.

    I'm only 41. I'm supposed to be at the height of my life, right? And instead, I injure myself. So I don't do a lot, you guys!? I spend a great deal of my time on my computer, because what else is there for a person to do who has no neighbors and cannot drive themselves anywhere? Yard work? Forget it! I can't do it anymore.... I have one outside dog, Rudolf, and a few kitties.

    In fact, my cat just hd her kittens yesterday! When we came home all fat and fluffy from an early Easter dinner at mom's, our cat had suddcenly thinned up, and I found her kittens right away, a place I guessed she'd use for her nesting box. SO now I've got 4 cute kittens to enjoy.

    Thanks for listening. I'll try holding my breath a lot more---I have noticed myself doing this when I know it's gonna hurt., But it won't keep the tears from squeezing out. Today feels like it's going to be a pretty good day. Happy Easter, everybody!
  • I don't think you should be mopping, vacuuming, or doing laundry at all! Those things are SO hard on your back. The walking, that's good for you.

    Believe me, I understand how hard it is to say "you mean even these little things are off limits for me?" But really, you have to take care of that back of yours.

    But you wrote about shopping with your mom all day. These are the kinds of things I have just eliminated from my life. I would be in so much pain after something like that, and after 2 years of dealing with this injury I've learned to just say no.

    I do not do laundry at all- can't even do a couple of loads without major aggravation. I don't unload the dishwasher. I don't go around the house and pick things up. I don't lift anything more than 25 lbs. I don't drive longer than an hour, or do anything that requires sitting more than about an hour at a time. These are MY limitations, but you're going to have to develop some strict limits of your own going into this.
  • Oh, regarding not making noises- I don't know, I think it's something ingrained in me. The only two times I've ever allowed myself to make pain noises were when I was in labor with my son, and when I was in the emergency room after my accident strapped to a back board for 2 hours with no pain meds.

    But as I said, I just don't DO things that hurt that much. The most painful things I do right now are mucking my horse's stalls (I don't do this by myself, but have to sometimes), doing computer work, and going out to eat at a restaurant with bad chairs. And the first two things, I can stop before it gets that bad.

    This is the rest of your life. You'll find that a life without pain is much better, even if it doesn't include some of those things in it.

    But, as an aside, I have been known to lay prone on bleachers in public when it got too bad. Other people be damned ;)
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