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why this and why now

henryjhhenryj Posts: 3
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:43 AM in Matters of the Heart
Many of you already know me as Hank, I'm a long time member who hasn't been on here in awhile. My question is why is it that when my back problems started getting serious my now ex-fieance is real distant. She accuses me of lieing about my back and says I don't talk enough. I've tried explaing the stress of this and she wants her space and is now moving out. I am scared to death that we are totally through which is only making matters worse with stress. I hate to say this but it is sending me into a terriable tail spin. Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.


  • I am sorry to read you are having this problem. It is so hard on our spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends. They just don't truly understand unless they have gone threw it or are going threw it. My man has one herniation at L5-S1 small and more muscle problems then anything. He just doesn't get why I am in so much pain with 5 herniations between small to large. He sees me in pain and tries to help but then forgets when he gets pissed off.

    What I did last year was made him come with me to my first neurosurgeon appointment so he would hear how bad I really was just at my L5-S1. He had a real eye opener. It did help with some of his attitude. He does forget still when mad but then he realizes I have more issues and is sorry. So maybe you should try doing that if she will go with you still. Take her to your doctor and let them explain what is happening with you. Some just need to hear it from another to realize how bad we are sometimes. If that doesn't work then I am sorry but maybe she isn't the one. You have enough problems without dealing with more stress from someone who doesn't really care about you right. Trust me I do know this because since our mva it has put lots of stress on our relationship that only started less then 3 months before it.

    I wish you all the luck and will keep my fingers crossed that she will try.

  • Hank,

    There comes a time when you just have to let someone go. I am all too familiar with your situation. My ex said "you don't seem to have very high pain tolerance." I wanted to smack the crap out of him. The fact that I am still walking and breathing is testament to my pain tolerance. Needless to say this man is no longer part of my life.

    You need someone to support you, not accuse you of lying about pain. Candy had a good idea of having her go to the Dr with you. If she is not willing, then you have your answer. It is truly better to be alone than with someone that has no respect for you or your situatuation.

    Best Wishes,
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  • I'm sorry your girlfriend has moved out. I had to take my husband to my Pain Management Dr. to explain things to him and found that helped. Hopefully she would understand more afterwards. But being accused of lying is not a good thing to say. Relationships may or may not last when one person is disabled. I hope if she's the right one for you she would understand. I hope you concentrate on you right now and if it's meant to be it will happen. Wishing you all the best. Take care and prayers for you. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Thanks everyone for your words of encourgement. I guess only time will tell.
  • Hey, are you the Hank who used to hang out in chat at nights? Do you work on airplanes and went back to 16 hour days when you were fresh out of surgery? I think this is you, if so hellllloooooooo!!!!!

    Sorry about the girlfriend. I don't have any answers as to why, but I do believe that things happen to us for a reason and the way we handle our different challenges molds us into the people we are.

    Pull back on the throttle and stop that tail spin. Tell her you love her, and see if you can get some good communication going. She may be frustrated at not being able to help you and this is her way of dealing with it.
    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
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  • Yep its the same Hank. Still working on planes just hard to do right now with all that is going on in my mind. I'm trying not to get to down about things but I honestly thought she was the ”one”. Lesson learned I guess.
  • Sadly I have found that some of the people close to you disappear when you are in pain. This happened 2 years ago to me, I hurt my back and my boyfriend left.

    The positive that i have found is that I have found my real friends, both from before and after mt injury.

    I am not in a relationship, and I am not sure if i want to be. The positive out of my injury is that I spend more time on my art, and training my dogs.

    So I guess my point is (sorry I took so long to get there) is that while this may feel horrible, there is another side that can be brighter if you want it to be. I have also found that my understanding of happiness has changed, and for the better. I am more understanding of others, and my paitence has grown.

    Best of luck with what you are going thru.
  • Hank,
    Change is never easy and trying to look for specific reasons is wasted energy, pain is not easy to live with and how others adapt can help or hinder us. It takes special people to help and support us knowing that they are doing the best that they can.

    Some people do not have the capacity to understand us and that is never easy, take care, things will improve as you say over time.

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