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Minimizing or Not admitting??

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13

Comments

  • I wish my hubby was a bit more perceptive like yours is, Avi, but he isn't, never has been, never will be. He does pick up the slack, though. He does so much around here. He just can't see when I'm hurting more or less and I think that's just as hard on him as it is on me. It's a sense he doesn't have. Or maybe I don't give the signals, I don't know.

    He's a great hubby, though. I love him loads, and couldn't do this without him. And honestly, I'd much rather be stoic than be the one who moans and groans at every twitch. Those people drive me bananas!

  • It's hubby with the bad back. And sometimes he just does such stupid things that annoy me to no end. If he knows it is not good for him, if he knows he will hurt badly after it, if he knows that I will do it happily, then why does he go ahead and do it? Waits until I am in town and then roto-tills the garden!

    His problem is that 'real' men do not have people doing stuff for them. They should be the doers! I tell him well, for a bit anyway, he just can't be the go-to guy anymore. I'm really glad that the operation is on Thursday because I kind of think that he will be content to be babied for a while. At least I hope so because it is really hard to be the one looking on and unable to unable to ease their pain.
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  • I think that's just as hard on him as it is on me.
    I think this is probably more to the root of his 'lack of response' HB. Men I have found (not all of course, but most?) get really frustrated when someone they care for is hurting, and they can't fix it. With what I am guessing from looking at your MRI Avatar, you HAVE to hurt big-time! That in itself can be hard. Maybe he doesn't know you want him to see 'ouch' moments? From what I've seen of your posts, you come off as a strong woman, and maybe he sees that, and doesn't want to be over protective? It does sound good to see you DO love him and care for him. :)

    Brenda

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Howdy Beaver!! :)

    I think where your hubby does things he knows he will "pay for later" is trying to still be him! It's really hard to step down from doing things that "most" expect us to be able to do. And with our issues, many times it doesn't "show" to Joe person, and as such to everyone else not knowing - we look normal!

    My hubby pulled his lower back a month ago using a jack hammer at work. His first comments to me where "I know my back will be okay soon. How you deal with this, and the other spine issues daily, I just don't know how you do it!" He then later said that he "sort of was glad he pulled his back", as it put a more realistic understanding in him about me! Many times when my hubby is sick or hurting, he cocoons himself in the computer room and pouts! He makes a great nurse, but a lousy patient! (G)

    Beaver, hopefully your hubbies surgery goes well, and he lets you baby him for a while. I actually enjoy when I get to baby mine! Please let us know how it goes. Support *HUGGY* for the Hubby!!

    Brenda
    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,746
    Your not odd. Your lucky! I know 'cause I have one of those too! Isn't it great to be married to your best friend?
    Jim :)))
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
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  • j.howie said:
    Your not odd. Your lucky! I know 'cause I have one of those too! Isn't it great to be married to your best friend?
    Jim :)))
    Howdy Jim,

    Why yes it is!! Our first 6 months together were just 2 friends doing things they enjoy! Then don't cha know it, I made an honest man out of him, and he made an honest woman out of me! *wink* So Yes Sir it is!!! :)

    Brenda
    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,746
    This whole thread. Do you realise we, this small circle of spineys, are the minority. Do you all know just how lucky we are? And just how many wish they were in this elite group of people. It's not easy. Like Charry, my relationship almost fell apart 3 times. A few more than her. But we worked at it and made a lifetime commitment.
    I do wish that those of you who do not have this yet. =(( Will! :X with some luck and some work, have the same. Everyone deserves to have this.
    In July I have my 34th anniversary :)
    Good luck,Jim
    Click my name to see my Medical history
    You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
    Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!
  • Wow Jim,

    :) Congrats!!!! :)

    I just read your post like 3 times, and you know what? You're center punch right! I feel really sad when a member has a non-supportive spouse or family. Being sad makes our pain worse, not to mention our day to day lives.

    I always knew I found "my guy", and this crap I've errr we've been dealing with put a lot of our love and support to the test - but a good test! On each of my surgeries, he was there until that "Surgical patients and personnel only" door was to open. He then would be there when I awoke! Can't get better than that! Oh, and after each surgery, on the way home we have a 'date'... Stop off somewhere for a comfy place to eat and spool down. Dang... I knew there was *something* good out of surgery! (G)

    Jim, you nailed it, center punch, right on the mark! Glad to be part of this club!!! :)

    Brenda

    Oh, and we still have a date night once a week! :)

    A keeper for sure!!!! >:D<
    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Brenda,
    In our Pm we were assisted in managing that little inner voice that places expectation on ourselves to do more or faster, or for longer and rationalise that request before implement any action based on those thoughts. Although we have all exceeded capacity at some time to do that knowingly initiates that rhythmic cycle of frenetic activity and immobility as a consequence. The best possible compromise would be to work within our function and below where that threshold is that only we know when to stop.

    It is always a balance within ourselves in acknowledging our limitations while trying to perform similar activity in our healthily persona, not divulging our condition constantly does give us the opportunity to have a rest from ourselves and although we should disclose our condition sufficiently for others to be aware and supportive. My wife tells me when I should rest and does now know all those visible cues when the pain is increasing in attempting to hide those has only made them more apparent to those in the know.

    At home I can be myself and do feel the need to hide those traits of discomfort in any work or social gathering, not disclosing does have the advantage that you are not then define as a person in need of help and can request selective assistance where and when appropriate. That is a long way from denial in not accepting or acknowledging that we can no longer do the things we once did.

    Pain is a team event and our supporter care and nurture us in the hope of helping I have developed standard list of displacement in not acknowledging some of the things I cannot do with the immediacy of old, pushing thorough is only sometimes helpful and in some way counter-productive in that it has no basis of our physical reality and more what we think or expect we should be able to do.

    Constant attention stifles growth and forward momentum, out future is ahead of us in what we can achieve, acknowledging loss and capacity should be finite and a definitive phase, once that tipping point is reached we see what we can do and should acknowledge how hard we have worked to get here with the right support and encouragement.

    John
  • Greetings John,

    It sounds like your wife is similar to my hubby in "seeing" what is really going on with us. So good to hear of another wonderful spouse! :)

    I love a lot of your points as truer words couldn't have been written! "Pain is a team event", powerful but true paradigm. I too don't divulge my condition in public or social settings. I am at said party to relax, not take the focus on everyone's fun, or add to their gossip libraries! Of course the opposite has been known to happen, that being of anti-magnetic. If people know you are hurting, they drift away - also not fun, so better to smile and answer, "I'm fine, thanks for asking."

    In your closing of the future being what we can achieve, I can align that with living comfortably with our ever changing 'new normal' for us. Works well for me. Thanks again John, love your take on these spiney issues! *hug* I hope your having a good day. :)

    Brenda
    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
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