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Minimizing or Not admitting??



  • this thread. Just today, hubby agreed to take me to two of my favorite stores - Marshalls and Tuesday Morning. I rarely drive and when I go to these stores, there ends up being things I can't reach so he mostly happily takes me. lol We do a give and take kinda thing.

    Lately, he's been carrying my purse which I hate, but I've done way too much and am recovering from major traveling. I was trying to find a purse, maybe a backpack type, that I could wear to help him out and he finally said, "CHERI, I'm fine!!! I really don't mine carrying your purse!" and he smiled his wonderful smile.

    He is just like your husband, Brenda. And it only took 2 times with him walking in the house and me seeing THAT look in eyes, that sad look that he knew I had done something else that day I should NOT have done. I realized then that I wasn't just hurting myself, I was hurting him and hurting us. Every time I pushed myself to further pain, it meant that much longer before I was his "Normal happy" wife again.

    I, too, don't say boo. He can tell by how I walk, the tone of my voice, he watches me breathe and if I'm holding my breath too much he knows I'm in elevated pain.

    There is so much he "puts up with" in public, between carrying my purse, having a wife with a walker (on bad days in stores without carts), having a handicap sticker....and he truly doesn't mind. That is love, it really is.

    I do ALL I can do to make his life as great as I can and that isn't much in the way of housework like it used to be, but I have ways. And so many pain patients can't or won't with their spouses, and I just wonder....what then?? What if we lost our ability to be intimate and do other things for each other? Is that the glue that holds us together right now?

    I hope I never find out - I am very thrilled to still have that nerve function after losing so much else in the vicinity.

    Hubs likes to joke - who else wouldn't want a wife with a remote control? lol (My spinal cord stimulator).

    Thanks for the thread,

  • :) Thanks for sharing your hubby! *hug* I've never carried a purse due to my job (retired), but when we do shop, he tends to take all the 'stuff' we are buying and carries them if we don't have a cart. He gets fussy at me when he sees (by like my 3rd counter lean/rest) I am hitting my limit, and refuse to get in one of those motorized carts - pride sux's!! (G)

    My new thing of late has been straight leg stretches when they hurt. For me, L2/3 nerves are affected with Neuropathy, and I have found if I place my hands on my thighs and stretch out straight when sitting, it gives a little relief. He's now caught onto that! I don't think after that talk in the pool with him Cheri, I am 'hiding' anything after all!

    I know for me, and probably for you as well, He is my best friend, lover and confidant, so when intimacy was off the 'things we can do list', he was fine with it. Thanks to the pool (giggle) it is happily back on it! I think mine is a keeper after all - not that I doubted it!

    It's funny when I think about it and my putting this thread in, we constantly talk of our pain 'hurting' our families. I think the opposite can be said as well. My hubby and I are tighter than ever, where as some unions can't hold up to all the issues of daily life of pain, pills, less activities, support etc. I think that made sense?

    Marriage is: love, friendship, trust, support, and belief in my thinking. :)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
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  • charry said:

    We were on the brink of divorce but then I read somewhere that you loved your spouse at one time and they said if you stick with the person and give it five years providing there's no physical abuse and work out the situation you're going through most likely the feelings will come back and you'll be happier than ever. So that's how he's so in tune to me because we didn't give up. I'm thankful we got through it and he seems to understand me as I said in my earlier post. Charry
    You are the 1st person I have ever seen anywhere quote that information! I read it too and found it quite interesting. They said that people in non abusive marriages that seemed to be failing were at the same point of happiness after 5 years, does not matter if you divorce or work it out! So, I too have just waited it out through the highs and lows. That's life, no one ever promised us a perfect marriage.

    Was another mental health guru guy that simply stated that no matter what the situation, again as long as it is not abusive, You can CHOOSE TO LOVE YOU MATE! You simply tell yourself "I still love him/her". Eventually you will find it is true. We normally find our mate for that reason, to choose to love them after a fault, shouting match etc, is really not that big of a stretch, just do it!

    As for the topic of this thread, yes I do try to "hide" my pain and limitations from family. After 4 years it just kind of got old. me saying the same things over and over. My wife does not really get it, she does just a little bit as her knee is bothering her and I asked her often how it is. One day while talking I told her to imagine it does not get better. What then? That is what I go through with my shoulder, treatment, but no FIX.
    One son is very quick to say he is sorry if I mention being in pain. The other once told me I had "used up" all my sympathy! For several weeks after that, every time he complained about anything I repeated his words back to him. He got the message.
    We don't always have to understand a persons pain. But we can at least be kind to them.

    Most people that know us well can see when things aren't going well. I've had people stop me coming into work and ask me what is wrong. Just another day at the office. Pain is usually the answer.
  • Wrambler said:

    < Snip >
    As for the topic of this thread, yes I do try to "hide" my pain and limitations from family. After 4 years it just kind of got old.

    The other once told me I had "used up" all my sympathy! For several weeks after that, every time he complained about anything I repeated his words back to him. He got the message.
    The "OMG" was for the response from your other son! Wow! I do however love how you fixed him! (G) My hubby is always good with me, but sometimes *I* feel like he doesn't always get it - dishwasher loading comes to mind. lol! When he pulled his back last month and complained of it to me, I snorted (I know, bad of me) back, "Well at least you'll feel better soon, no sympathy here." I think he thought about that, as he came back later and exclaimed that he doesn't know "how I deal with it day after day, as his short trip on the spiney road is just that, short. And wow it hurts!" :)

    I was thinking of this thread last night Wrambler, and even though the hubby and I talked at length in the pool, I am more conscious on how I reacting around him, and ya know what? I am *still* hiding to some degree! Grrrr... Have a great day!! :)

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
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