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My pain increases, but seems insignificant

j.howiejj.howie Brentwood, Ca., USAPosts: 1,732
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:47 AM in Depression and Coping
I just got back from my moms in the valley. Me and my siblings trade time doing 24-7 care taking of our mother. She has terminal cancer. And it was my turn for 4 days. Obviously my chronic pain takes a back seat to her loosing life. It seems to really magnify my pain to watch her die a little bit more each day. I've only lost my way of life. She is loosing her life. And to be there, to me is like going to visit a loved one on their last day before they die. And having to deal with the sadness of the loss. But it is like a DVD is stuck on that seen, and plays it again and again. And the depression from that causes more pain. And because I want to do things for her. I constantly exacerbate the pain by doing physical things that I have no business doing. And being to oldest boy I'm the "go to guy" who has to run everything. When most of the time I can barley run my own life. I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's a badge I wear with honor. I just sometimes I wonder how I'm going to "fake it" into the next day. Sorry for the whining but it has followed me home. And I just can't seem to get any down time.
Click my name to see my Medical history
You get what you get, not what you deserve......I stole that from Susan (rip)
Today is yours to embrace........ for tomorrow, who knows what might be starring you in the face!


  • Jim. My heart goes out to you and your family. It is very hard to watch a loved one pass. My dad came home to die as well from cancer when I was a teenager. It was so hard to see him fading a little every day, especially when he rarely had a truly lucid moment.
    All i can say is that you really do need to make some time for yourself when you get home from your mom's. You need that time to rest both physically and emotionally. Maybe have a chat with your family, and ask if you could have a day, where you can just rest and not do anything, or at least anything too strenuous. You have to take care of you first, before you can take care of anyone else, or else you can end up not being able to do either. Take care, my friend, my thoughts are with you.
    APROUD CANADIANveteranButNOTa doctor, my thoughts are my own
  • My thoughts are with you at such a difficult time. It is so wonderful that you and your siblings are taking such good care of your Mom, she raised you right. These sad and trying times are so rough on our bodies. Please don't overdo things so you hurt more. Kelly's right, you need to have some decompression time after caring for your Mom.

    Just wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you. Also, don't apologize for whining! Whine and vent all you want, its good to let it out.

    Take care,

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  • Jim as always you hit it right on the head...badge of honor. You will do what needs doing because it is the right thing. Just remember that you aren't alone..we are all with you and understand that uniquely spiney pain. I find that stress is a huge trigger for me.

    Feel free to whine. Whatever helps.
  • I have no great words of wisdom to offer you during these most difficult days. I can not imagine what you are going through.
    As Lisa said, your mom raise you and your siblings right, all you can do is be there for her and each other, and show her what greatness she brought in to this world and how she nurtured a strong, loving and compassionate family. As a mom, I know how proud I would be to have accomplished such a wonderful thing, a strong united family.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers.
  • sunny1966ssunny1966 VIRGINIAPosts: 1,385
    I certainly feel for you my friend. I vividly remember the days and nights of taking care of my mom and then my dad while they fought the losing battle with cancer.

    I know that you will be doing everything you can for your mom and putting your own pain and needs last. I know that you will suffer more physical pain for the things you're doing now but I also know that you will gain much more mental peace in the long run. You will have the memories of times spent with her and will know that you did everything possible for her. That is worth everything when there's nothing left for you to do.

    If you ever need someone to talk to about anything at all you know I'm here for you.

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  • Hi Jim,

    What a wonderful son you are. You not only wear your responsibility as a badge of honor, you do it with dignity and class. You don't need to be told that it's okay to "whine" here, you already know that. What you may not know is that whatever is happening to you, your posts are uplifting to read. What I'm trying to say is that your character shows through and uplifts us, the readers. If we could relieve you of some of your pain (both psychological and physical) we would do it in a heartbeat. What I can do is pray for you during this particularly difficult time. My husband and I cared for his father in his final years and know how hard this is. Keep courage, you're going to make it.

    2009 Foraminotomy C6-72010 PLIF L4-S1Multi RFA's, cervical inj, lumbar injLaminectomy L3-4 and fusion w/internal fixation T10-L4 July 17Fusion C2-C5 yet to be scheduled
  • just how wearing, both emotionally and physically, nursing a terminal parent can be. My sibs and I nursed both mom and dad in their last year as they did not want to die in a hospital. One thing we did well in those times was to learn to laugh and cry almost simultaneously. This is a time when you need to both lean and be leaned upon so please do not be afraid to show emotions but also, do not be afraid to reminisce with your sibs and share the happy times. It was so hard when we were going through it but it also was a rewarding and bonding experience. God bless you for what you are doing.
  • Jim,

    Huge *HUGZ* to you! So proud to read further confirmation of your character as a man, and of course a lovely ladies *son*. As was already said, you are an inspiration for sure. Your mom did a great job in how she raised you, as it is clearly showing as now she needs help, and there you are without complaint! I can feel the dedication and love from your words. *HUGZ*

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • So sorry for what you are going through and my prayers are with your mother. What a blessing for her to have such great kids!

    With that said, please take care of yourself. Is it possible, heavy chores can wait until another sibling comes along..while you nuture and do easy stuff. Love and time is more important that cleaning anyway.

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