One year ago today... I logged on to a little forum... Spine Health!!!
I just wanted to THANK all of my SH friends for being there for me over the past year. I just realized I have been a member for 1 year today! I wish I could say funny how time flies… but it hasn’t. It has been one of the roughest; NO it has been THE roughest year in my life.
I sit here and think how much I have endured, pain, testing, drugs, fusion, more testing and procedures and I still can not believe this is my life. I never signed up for this, I never wanted this. Don’t get me wrong, I know NONE of us choose this life, but it’s always someone else not you, not me, you know what I mean???
Although I have suffered from chronic back pain since 2003 and was told I HAD to have surgery since 2005, I was able to keep it at bay with alternative treatments and for the most part it worked. I had epidurals that had provided me wonderful relief sometimes I would even forget about my pain, I got used to it and if I wasn’t having an episode, I was “normal”, I worked and played and enjoyed life. It was sooo good, I wish I could go back to those days. I know I can not and I also know my journey is far from over.
I guess there is a kind of bliss is coming to terms with your limitations and disability. I still can not fully comprehend that my surgery did NOT “fix” me and in all actuality has made me worse. I mourn my prior self and my life and career. I know I am blessed to have a husband to care for me and two healthy children, but I am so sad (pity party time… sorry) that my once high energy, type A, outgoing, life of the party self may never come back.
Don’t get me wrong, I have NOT given up hope, I have just decided I WILL NOT play the “date game” any more… you know the game, ok I should be better by Nov 1, Dec 1, ok how about Jan 15, for sure by April 1…. I guess I am not a steak and when I’m ready, I will be ready. I have driven my self crazy trying to FIX myself on other peoples time lines, NOT working for me. I am a fighter and will continue to fight to get me (or as much as me as I can) back.
As for my job, thank God, I have not yet been let go and thankfully I had short term disability and I also have long term disability. It is not even half of what I earned working, but again, I thank God daily for those policies. I know so many don’t have this luxury and for that I am grateful.
I keep thinking WOW 7 months, I haven’t worked in over 7 months. I have slowly removed myself from most of my friends, they don’t get it, they can’t understand what happened to me, (I can barely understand) who this new person in my skin is????… I never felt so lonely in my life, if it wasn’t for this forum, I don’t know how I would have gotten through this darkest time of life. It is an odd feeling that you can so quickly become non existent to others, like co-workers especially, people I spent 50 hours a week with for 6 years… It’s like I was never there…..
Nobody really wants to hear how I feel, nor do I have the desire or energy to tell them, so I guess part of my non existent status stems from me, being honest here. Only you guys KNOW, only you guys GET IT, get ME. Even my husband, I hide things from him all the time (about my pains) I mean he sees, he knows, I just don’t go into all the details all the time. When I think about all the crazy pains I feel in all the different places, I think to myself, my lord, girl, imagine what others would think if you said this sh!t out loud. Thank goodness I have a CP mental health counselor!
Ok, my post is all f the place, like my pains…. So I will wrap it up and just once again THANK YOU for being here for me, supporting me, providing a shoulder, a laugh and all the OMG I am not the only one, I am NOT alone moments!
Thank you from the bottom of my spiney heart!